I Left The Abuse

by BlueClover
(California)

I finally had enough of the Verbal and Emotional Abuse after being married for seven years and having two kids. Ladies, don't wait until you have a scar on your face to prove you have had enough. Emotional & verbal abuse leaves deeper scars that no wound could ever show.

I thought I married a very intelligent and good looking man. For the most part, he played the perfect part to everyone’s eyes. Unfortunately, this "wonderful' man had deep wounds that were never healed (broken home, unstable parents, drug addiction). My husband could have had Borderline Personality Disorder or Bi Polar, I am not sure. I can’t diagnose the man, but I know in my heart he needed help.

His moods were HOT and Cold. When he was under stress, I knew I was going to have a bad day. I took a lot of verbal bantering; I often thought I married a 7 year old. I was constantly accused of cheating on him. There was never any proof because it never happened. It got to a point that I was being spied on. He followed me through the IPhone Apps, he knew what songs I was downloading and what I was doing on my computer, plus, I completely lost all control of finances. I was lucky to even have 20 bucks in my pocket.

I can make every excuse for this man, but the truth is… a man who cannot control himself and his emotions is not our problem. It is theirs and the sooner you realize this, the sooner you can get out. Trust your gut and your deep instincts, if it feels wrong IT IS WRONG.

He will make you feel shame and guilt for trying to leave. He may verbally banter and abuse you for taking a stand. He may even make you feel like you are the crazy one that needs help. Don’t take it, leave. He will NEVER change, let me repeat, he will NEVER change.

I left 3 times. THREE TIMES, and each time he promised to change. Each time he promised to get therapy, another time we tried God, he refused any help. Each time I came back, he promised he would never raise his voice or hurt me again.

As much as I would like to take credit that I left on my own, THANK THE LORD my parents intervened with this horrific relationship, and I will advise to anyone going through emotional and verbal abuse by a partner, TELL SOMEONE. Silence is the greatest enemy in all of this. The more people you tell the easier it will be for you to get help and leave. Speaking out will also cause your abuser to feel some shame and grow a conscious that what he is doing is wrong. My heart goes out to anyone ever going through this horrific period in their life. Please don’t be someone who says they have been with their abuser for 20 or 30 years. Your soul is talking to you, listen to it.

Comments for I Left The Abuse

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Blue Clover
by: Whitney

I read your post and your situation is very similar to mine. Shortly after I met my soon to be ex-husband, I knew something wasn't right. He was wonderful, loving and kind when we were alone, but would oftentimes become aggressive and angry when we were out in public. I especially noticed this when we went out to eat. He would stop talking to me and wouldn't even look at me until the server would wait on us. What I discovered later was that he was waiting to see if the server was "disrespecting" him by not waiting on us fast enough or checking on us frequently enough. This was a pattern.

He was extremely paranoid and was always "watching" everyone (including me) to see if he was being ignored or disrespected. He did come from a childhood of abuse (his father) and anxiety (his mother), but he wouldn't get help as an adult. He turned to drugs as a teen and did drugs and abused alcohol well into his early 40's.

I met him when he was 56 and he had stopped drinking and using drugs years before. He did tell me this shortly after we met, and I was proud of him that he beat his addictions. He did say that he really liked weed; he said it was the only thing that made him feel calm and relaxed. He couldn't smoke because they drug tested at his work, but he told me once he retired he'd like to smoke "once in a blue moon". I told him I didn't like weed use at all, but would accept it if since he would just do it once in a while.

He convinced me to help him financially by putting a large sum of money in his pension account (he had lost some of his pension because he was fired from a previous job due to drug use). He told me funding that pension would help us both because we would get married and I would get his pension if he passed away before me.

He started smoking weed shortly after he retired and it wasn't once in a blue moon, it was every single evening. He would wake up the next morning feeling very anxious and aggressive. I confronted him, and so did his son (his son had witnessed his dad's drug use first hand). He promised us both that he would never smoke again. 6 months later I came home from shopping, pulled into our garage and smelled weed. I asked him about it and he acted like I was crazy! I continued to question him and then viewed video on our Ring camera and saw him smoking. It wasn't until then that he finally confessed. He had even jumped in our pool afterwards to get rid of the smell. He was obviously self-medicating.

I found out from his son and his ex-wife that he had a history of violence as well, but I had only witnessed "glimpses" of that anger. He did have road rage (I was terrified to drive with him) and he also abused our dog (usually when I wasn't home). I began to feel like I had no clue who he really was. I had fallen in love with the man he pretended to be. I filed for divorce after just 4 years of marriage but reconciled with him 3 times because he kept promising to get help. I finally worked up the courage to ask him to leave for good earlier this year, and filed my final divorce paperwork. I greatly miss the "good guy" he could be, and have to constantly remind myself that he is a troubled soul who will not seek help to get better.
Emotional Ammunition
by: NR

My husband uses my vulnerabilities against me and throws in my face that my father abandoned me as a baby. He KNOWS very well that is difficult for me. That's the kicker here, he knows full well what hurts me and boy does he use it. When we were first married, me and my kids moved into his house. HUGE MISTAKE. Anyone out there who's thinking about doing this - DON'T!!! Purchase a home together so you have some security. My husband used this against me. Threatened to throw me out multiple times. Threw it in my face that it's HIS house. I'm still there, however, the house is now legally jointly owned. I have some security now and if we divorce, at least I get something to start over with.
Currently going through this
by: Taylor M

I'm currently going through this situation of verbal and emotional abuse. My husband does it in front of my child and I'm scared it's affecting (my son is only 2 and a 1/2 years old). Like you said, he makes me feel crazy and like I'm the one in the wrong. But he calls me so many names and he’s said so many bad things that he can't take back now, and I feel threatened and scared. Part of me doesn't want to leave him because we are married. But I don't know what to do in this situation because I still love him. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm in a really low place right now and it makes me feel better that I'm not the only one.
My Heart Goes Out to You!
by: Tracey D

My heart goes out to you after reading this! I am sorry for the mistreatment in every part of your life. If there is one thing I have come to learn, it is that life is not fair, not fair at all nor will it ever be. You are still very young, have a lot of years ahead of you.

I am now on my own and have not ever been on my own since I was 19, I am 59 now. I am adjusting to being alone but it is very hard. I too have no friends because I dedicated my life to my work and my family. How I am able to cope now is I listen to a lot of YouTube videos, etc. I also attend church and am a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ, which I have had experiences throughout my life with him. If there is one thing I know for sure, it is that Jesus loves each and every one of us so, so much and if you can focus on that, ask him to come into your life, ask him to take over your life and to help you, he will. We seek love here on earth from another human being to complete us. I can tell you this, there is no human being here on earth that will love you as much as Jesus.

Any relationship you will have here on earth will have its problems but it comes down to how much do you love yourself? How much are you willing to put up with? I put up with the abuse for years until I found out he was hooking up with men. That was the icing on the cake for me and had to leave. AT this point in my life, I have no idea where my life is headed but I tell Jesus he is now in charge of my life and to please take it over. I ask him to please take both of my hands and never let go. I do not know who you are but I will pray for you! Good luck to you and take care of yourself and your babies!!!
He has ruined my life, but I still adore him.
by: Shelby

I met my boyfriend when I was 14 and he was 18. That following year, we had our daughter and three days after I gave birth we moved in together. When I was pregnant, I caught him texting a girl but all but one message had been deleted. I had never once went through his things at this time. He was actually bragging about how he is faithful (unlike other guys) and showing me his phone despite me saying I trusted him and to drop it, not realizing he forgot one.

I have never been the same. I have borderline personality disorder, meaning I have one person I involuntary revolve all of my emotions and life around and it is 100% out of my control. It also means that I am physically incapable of controlling emotions, have a life expectancy of 68, and will either die by s**cide or live my entire life with daily, persistent thoughts. I was abused all my childhood and not long before meeting my husband I actually lost the only family I had, my mother, after she was murdered by other family.

I met him and he made me feel loved for the first time in my life and I immediately clung to him. After the first incident, I found a secret email address with him trying to solicit prostitutes, hook up with men, and telling people he was single with no children despite being with me and us having kids. Then his alcoholism began. Mild physical abuse went on for many years, and severe verbal abuse still going on. I'm 20. I get told I'm ugly and worthless almost constantly, and no longer have any friends and rarely have any contact with the outside world. Not sure what to do. Hope he doesn't find this. I just need to rant because I literally have no one.
Divorced after 39 years
by: Tracey D

I was married at 19, we divorced 4 years into the marriage, when my son was 6 months old. He cheated a few times, did not pay much attention to me. I was a stay at home mom at first. At that time I had no job, had to go on welfare, etc. A year later we reconciled and we remarried and had stayed together up until a year ago.

My divorce became final last April. I really loved this man but he had a problem with drugs and women. After I left him a year and a half ago, I learned of more infidelity on his part that I had not known before. What ultimately led me to leave him was I found him on line, Craigslist hooking up with men! I absolutely could not believe what I was seeing at that time! I was mortified to say the least. I dropped 6 lbs. in two days, went to talk to my pastor and went to talk to a therapist.

After finding him on line, I did not know what was happening, I was trying to make sense in all of this so, I stayed with him for another year before leaving in hopes he would talk, tell me what was happening. He avoided a lot of my questions. We would fight constantly during this time, I drank a lot also. We had had a huge fight one day, it was so bad, physical as well. I was so exhausted the next morning from not getting any sleep, crying most of the night and I had to work the next day. When I was getting coffee, my husband turns and looks at me and says, "You’re going to be looking like that more often". I am not sure what happened to me at that moment, but I blew!

I had always walked on eggshells around him as to try and not start a fight, but at that very moment I did not care! My mouth began and it did not end for several hours while I was packing my suitcase to leave. I told him he was lucky to have had me and that I was leaving him. I called my Boss, told her what was happening and drove from Arizona to California where my family is. In the year I stayed with him, after finding out he was hooking up with men, I began to track his every move. I was in California for 5 days when I discovered he was on line trying to hook up with what looked like a Transvestite. I immediately let him know I knew what he was doing and I was up all night harassing him via text.

At this point, he wants me back, is in therapy and has been identified as a sex addict. I do talk to him, we are civil with one another but I occasionally will lash out at him after having a few drinks, as I am still in disbelief over this whole ordeal. We have a son together, he is now 36 years old. My money is tight, I bought a small condo in California and I am hoping it is a temporary thing for me, not knowing what temporary is. Funny, He was given $200,000 by his father to buy a house. I guess in this world you are rewarded for the things you do wrong? I loved being married, I hope to be married again but I do have trust issues. I still love my husband and I hope he gets fixed through therapy and mostly through Gods healing. Thanks for reading.
In this situation now!!!
by: Cecilla

I currently am in this situation, but he isn't my husband and we don’t have kids together. My daughter from a previous relationship has gotten used to this narcissist of a man I fell in love with. I have no one for support, my family doesn’t want me anymore, and I cut off all ties with ex-friends. I feel like I have to be here in a way or maybe I'm just confused. But I want out of this. It’s just that my daughter is going to be mad at me tor taking the man that stepped up to be a father figure to her. Please help!
Stellar post - this woman is my hero!
by: BKD

READ THIS ONE! So much truth in it.
I hate my narcissistic sociopath ex
by: Loving abused ex-wife

I never hated anyone as much as I do this lying abusive herpes-ridden abuser.
There are so many repeating patterns here
by: BKD

With all social 'progress' we as a species should reap and benefit from by now and all the academic study garnered over domestic abuse, it deeply frightens and saddens me that it is still so prevalent, across race, income, and education level. Please do not espouse religion as the answer. So many of us took our battered souls to pastors, Imams, Rabbis, etc. and were admonished back to our abusers. Society must stop excusing abusers, and parents must stop training them up with cover for their behavior. A hiring manager should care that in a background check that stellar salesman candidate was cited for domestic abuse. Everyone looks away, while the weakened, beat-down look painfully to each other for solace and support. I am crying and raging while I pen this!
Remember this post - Stuck with an alcoholic abuser for 37 years!
by: BKD

Don't wait and allow your personhood to be destroyed.

That was me. I am still in this marriage, still working in Data Analytics, still enduring emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse. He's 'retired' early. Why didn't I leave? Because, I love my home and all that I've fought to build for myself. I came up from near poverty, and I don't want to live in an apartment while he drives his $100,000.00 Corvette on my dime. He's bought a bunch of guns since my last post, so I am rethinking the safe way to escape. He's incapable of outright physical attack - but I certainly imagine he could make an accident happen. Pray for me!
Left my abusive husband
by: Denise

I left my abusive husband after 5 months of marriage. He beat me 2 weeks after our wedding and I didn't expect that from someone who claims to love me. He started abusing me verbally and emotionally continuously. I kept walking on eggshells wondering where or what did I do wrong. I was so miserable that when I had enough, I walked away. Leaving with these people is hell on earth. An abuser hardly changes and they enjoy seeing you suffer. Narcissist thrive on triggering you for a response when they are upset. They are just plain evil people that need God to help their souls. I thank the almighty for giving me strength to leave him.
At least listen to Dr. Phil
by: VM

I didn't realize that most of the abusers are narcissists. They will lie right to your face, they will say everything is your fault, they will take your self-worth, they will not take any responsibility for their actions, and they will and do hurt you including with abuse. I listened to an audio by Dr. Phil and although it is about narcissists, you find them as boyfriends, husbands, relatives, others at work, and other places. Please listen to the audio below by Dr. Phil.

https://podcast.app/toxic-personalities-in-the-real-world-narcissistic-personality-disorder-e150604371/?utm_source=and&utm_medium=share
35 years later
by: Tanya

I left a week before our 35 wedding anniversary. He had verbally and mentally abused me for 35 1/2 years, had multiple affairs. I married when I was 17. My mom was abusive, so I always thought it was me. God hated me, so I was dealt this life to make the best of it. After 3 kids and 8 grandbabies I finally got out. I feel like I'm drowning. My kids hate me because it took so long. They talk to me like he has for years. I feel helpless and hopeless. I used to love God and put all my faith in him. I just knew there was a reason he let me live this life. I finally realized God didn't, I did. I took my vows and convinced myself I couldn't leave. I stood before God and said for better or worse in sickness and I'm health. I knew he was sick to say and do the things he did.

My point is, don't make the same mistakes I did. It's not normal to be mistreated; not by your husband, your kids or anyone. Stand up for yourself, because if you don't nobody else will and your kids will hate you if you wait 35 years.
Call now
by: VM

The abuser doesn't change and it will continue to happen. He keeps you in line by getting you committed to a psych ward so he would be believed over you. First go to https://www.thehotline.org to learn about abuse and how to get out. Talk to them about finding someone/a place near you to speak with to help with therapy, a place to live, and divorce proceedings. He will not get better the longer you are with him and the worse your disabilities get. He will be kind to you to get you to return, and knows once you return, he has you to kick around when he wants to. Good luck. There is nothing worse than staying one day longer in your situation.
Don't be like me
by: Tina

I've seen this for close to 50 years. 5 years of dating him, but I did not want to marry. Now we’ve been married 45 years. After 3 years of marriage I was going to leave. Every time he guilted me, saying "you do this every year when I don't have any work". He was a house painter. So often sitting in the sofa watching TV and eating junk.

I tried everything while dating to help him get a good job. I’ve come to realize he just doesn’t want a good job. He had me. After we married we became Christians. Me of course first. I always took the high road on everything. Wimpy never did. He once threw me in front of him when a dog ran out to attack us. That was his natural instinct. I was never protected. The van was forever breaking down when I was out alone and it was always my ordeal to see to about. Physical abuse pretty much stopped after we married. And my Christian faith told me I couldn't leave.

I helped him with his failed business attempts. I was his bookkeeper but yet we had nothing. He took full control of all money. After 16 years with him, my excellent health began to fail. I had a better job. The physical abuse began 13 years after my mom died. I insisted on having counseling. Took him eight months to get in. He went once or twice then quit. Also after he attacked me, I made the mistake of us meeting with our minister. One little talk that was worthless. Before, on the phone, the preacher was more concerned that dear hubby might get arrested... Anyway, the physical abuse stopped for a while but started again 8 years ago when my dad died. But as always, we looked like the perfect couple to the outside.

Shortly after my dad's funeral, he got a girlfriend. A bipolar drunk who worked for him. Of course I didn't know she was his gf, wives seldom do. Anyway, I began standing up for myself and could not stand it. His control was no longer as effective. Long story short.... He told lies to everyone and got me thrown in a psych Ward for 3 days. Omg I was mad. Once I got out, like a dumbbell, I confronted him. He said he didn't realize what would happen. He just wanted to get a rest. 3 weeks straight.

Then for the first time in years, we went out for our anniversary. I was driving as always. I made a wrong turn. He punched me with his fist really hard. Long story short, oh we had dinner and I ordered everything!!! Later he got mad again. Took the car and left. He had my purse too, so I had nothing. No phone, no money. Again he kept spinning tales everywhere causing folks to think I was crazy. Anyway I tried to leave again and again he got me thrown in a psych Ward. This time for 2 weeks.

Now the car had been totaled just before this, so he worked out of his girlfriend’s car. Still, I didn't know she was his gf or what they were doing when not working. They were frocking in the sunshine and bar hopping while I was locked up. Anyway enough about her.

I was pretty much held captive in my home for 9 months. I finally learned… Don't try to leave or you will get thrown in the nut ward. My job required a stand now I didn't have one. We’re now both getting SS so he didn't need to keep working anymore. For over 3 years I tried to get back to work, but something always happened. Then 3 years ago an old injury flared. It slowly grew worse. Now I'm also completely disabled. He now stays here, most of the time to help me. We were separated, but now it is like we are married again. He has a huge sense of entitlement, saying "look what I do here". He is still often mean to me but I don't think he will violently touch me again. Although he had grown quite smug before.

Police never believed me. Hell nobody did. He even won a hearing after punching me. But finally troopers removed him after he head butted me in bed because he got mad about my being upset when I finally learned she was his girlfriend. He was with her and would not return when I was in hospital with an emergency bowel blockage facing surgery. Even 5 days after the surgery and my first day in chair. All hooked up to things.

Sitting here writing this can't believe how long I've stayed. But incorrect noble understanding will do that you. Also, we finally had a nice home neither of us want to lose. Anyway here I am kind of trapped again. No family will help… only one friend and she's far away. He put crazy girl in her head too. Now I'm not sure what she thinks. And I get that. Anyway hope to find a surgeon that can help me now. I want to whip my home back into shape. Again earn income. I want so much I guess. I also need a decent car. Stop living off my IRA... And oh yes a tropical vacation, my dream. And oh my, yes to write. Yes to have dreams. I know I've made major blunders in how I've written this. Oh well. Anyway if your being abused in any way. Don't be like me. Get Out!!!!!!!!
Here is a resource to use
by: VM

Ladies: Please check out https://www.thehotline.org to get advice, counseling, and whatever else you need. Bless all of you.
I need resources help my Daughter-in-law & my 2 little grandchildren get away from my abusive son
by: Grandne

Can someone please point in the right direction on how to support my daughter-in-law & grandchildren be in a safe place.
Yes, unfortunately I am one of the "stayed for 30 years" with an abusive man
by: Seeing the light

I started drinking, sneaking it because he only wants me to drink when he wants me to drink, and one day he blew up at me because I brought a 6 pack of beer into the house. 8 years later, as a very high-functioning alcoholic, I was found out by my boss's girlfriend. I am struggling to stay sober. Being sober (18 days, then 12 days, past few times 5 days at a time) has made me clear-headed enough to see I drink to numb the feelings he makes me feel.

I get accused of cheating. I get accused of ignoring him. I get accused of not having anything in common with him when he pushes to bring a third party into the bedroom.

He blames everybody else for everything. He has alienated his whole family and lots of friends - I was the only one who stayed, only because I had my friend vodka.

I get yelled at and threatened with physical violence at 8am in the morning. I get woken up in the middle of the night to yelling and slamming doors.

I have been pushed, shoved to the ground, covered in bruises that I lied to people about. This morning at 8 am was the last time he yelled at me, slammed his fist into the wall to intimidate me and yelled at me to leave "his" house that I pay for. I'm not going back.

He is already saying we're through this fight now, please come back. The pets need you. This happens every time and being sober, I can see I do not want to live this way and I don't think any human being should have to or want to live this way.

I told him I am not coming back. Now I am "doing this to him", he has done nothing wrong. What he doesn't know yet is that I have broken the silence and told my sister. I worry he may kill me. If I went back, I would drink myself to death.
Who may concern
by: Sonia

I’m married and I’ve sacrificed everything for my marriage. I live with his mom and if he doesn't gets his way, he’ll say I’m a piece of sh*t. I’ve stayed home with my kids and I paid my bills and have taken care of my kid’s needs, bought their clothes, and put food in the table. But he will say I’m a part-time mom after I did everything. I’m the one who takes care of my kids. He is never in the picture, but he always say his mom cooks (which I’m not married to her, thankfully). His mom gets ugly with me and defends him. I don’t have family in Florida, only in Houston TX. It’s hard to explain but I need help.
Comments
by: Selma

I married my husband twice. He’s always cheating on me and telling me I'm old, that no man is gonna want me. He tells me I can never do nothing without him. I'm still in that house trying to move out. I can't take no more. I need some therapy 😩 I'm depressed 😔.
He was too weak to experience true shame
by: HJ

My former abuser only shamed me. He was never the root of blame, guilt or wrongdoings. Excuses, blame directed at others, but usually those closest to him, but he was never at fault. He not only refused to accept those things, but demanded reward for being everything he wasn't. He would stonewall me, and go for days giving me the silent treatment. Beatings, sexual assault and demeaning me in public was very common. I was treated as a living blow-up doll, there was no intimacy and sex wasn't only expected all the time, it's what gave him a short-term ego boost. He'd fool around with anyone, sometimes he'd take advantage of situations to SA his victims. A friend of mine, who had too much to drink and needed to sleep it off, he took advantage of that. My friend woke-up to him doing just that. That's when I left him. He had a very sick nature.
Most of Us Thought We Had Good Guys
by: Keegan

Most of us women felt we were involved with good guys. It was only after we married them that their real self came out. It is part of their "charm" to lie and put on a façade to hide their true inner self. Once they marry you, they believe you will never leave and their true abusive self comes out. I dated and did not live with my then future husband for 2 years before marrying, and after marriage his true self came out and was there was anger and physical violence. I got out, filed for divorce even while he stalked me at times and tried to control me, and I eventually moved thousands of miles away after the divorce to rebuild my life. And his crying and apologies and saying he will never do it again, are also his lies. You get out and stay out because once they have shown violence or abuse, then BELIEVE that is the real them.
Sounds almost like my life
by: Free after 7 years

I was married for 7 years to a narcissist who called himself a GOD Fearing Man from the start. Boy was I fooled big time. I believe he is bipolar, but he won’t seek help because he thinks nothing is wrong with him. One minute he was this caring loving man, or so I thought, but underneath he was just this lying, cheating no good of a man. I didn’t want to go through another divorce, but I had no choice but to file. I feel much better now and I'm at peace. I should have been left from the first affair but I stayed thinking that he would change (like he said he would). He just got worse… every time I let my guard down he would cheat again. So I kept praying to GOD and when the time was right I filed for a divorce.
I feel your pain
by: Catelyn

I hope you one day can fully recover. The scars are deep and painful. I am hurting so bad 24/7 (PTSD).
Sounds like my life
by: Kristi T

Thank you for writing your story. I was with him 4 years and it was amazing at first.... Then once we had been married for 9 months, it changed. I went from being a strong woman with a house, job and horses to nothing in 4 years… I didn't see it and thought everyone was wrong. OMG I’m heart broke. After 5 years I’m leaving him xx
Resource for Domestic abuse
by: Keegan

Ladies: Please check out https://www.thehotline.org to get advice, counseling, and whatever else you need. Bless all of you.
My story too
by: Shauni

Your story is my story.....I finally am getting the courage to leave after many attempts. It has been almost 9 years but I should have left 5 years ago. I feel so at peace and know that I can finally heal.
I’m leaving!
by: Sara W

I have been married 20 years and we have been together for 21. When I met him I truly thought I was in love with him. He has always been abusive and physical to me sometimes. I’m leaving.

We fight a lot and I wanted to know if I leave, and my son who he is good to stays, is it considered abandonment? He has never hurt the kids. But I’m having to get a room to rent until I can save enough to pay for a two bedroom for us. If he stays with his dad until I can get a place, can I get child support without divorce?
Trying to find hope
by: Lost

It's 4 a.m. and my husband has cut me off of from any contacts, friends, and family. It doesn't matter he's trying to make me quit my job and on top of that and he's extremely physical and emotionally abusive. And I noticed him using drugs whenever I try to stand up for myself, which says a lot. I have a lot of experience that comes on mental health and I think he wants me to kill myself (actually please hold me). I'm sitting in my car with nothing else to do and I'm trying to find some kind of faith. I appreciate reading your post, it's helping people like me.
It is horrifying
by: Almost Free

I had this whole plan to leave him and was working towards that when the Pandemic hit. Now that I have my first round of the vaccination I’m trying to secretly pack to move out in a couple months. I can’t stop thinking of when he shoved me on the floor because I was trying to walk out the door. It was years ago now, but I can’t get it out of my head, him yelling "Stay down!" as he shoved me each time I tried to stand.

After some amount of years of fear and sobbing I started actually fighting back when he got physical. It turns out I’m a much better fighter than he is. I asked a friend to hold video evidence, instead they called the police. I’ll forever love that officer for saying "You have some red on your face" instead of saying blood. It wasn’t my blood. He stopped being physically abusive after that.

I’ve tried being homeless and for someone who is often bed-bound by illness, it turns out that that is worse. There are no shelters that are able to accommodate me in my area and you’d be amazed how many resources are blocked from people who need any kind of prescription medication.

I don’t really have any friends anymore because I’m genuinely too embarrassed. But that a wimpy little dude, who it turns out I can actually physically beat up, treats me like an unwanted possession; I mean, it’s humiliating. I don’t even expect him to answer when I talk anymore. He goes to bed at different times every night and wakes at different times every morning so my getting in or out of bed poses a possibility of me waking him. I haven’t been allowed to sleep in my bed for years now. At least that means we have no physical contact.

I’ve asked him why he even wants me; he doesn’t want intimacy and he doesn’t seem to actually like me. It took a long time to realize that I’m just a trophy.

It will all be okay. Soon I’ll get a place with my best friend. I have 2 months rent saved and he’s talked with his manager about being transferred to a store closer to me- a store, of all things! I can’t believe that I’m going to be with someone who is a firmly entrenched member of the employed. I love him, I respect him, and I think he makes enough to take care of us as long as we live in a cheap city.

I’m so frightened. Due to my illness I sometimes can’t actually walk for weeks, months a few times even. My Dr. does agree that being in this relationship has been a severe drain on my health and even prescribed me anxiety meds until I’m out of this horrible relationship. I’m fairly sure now- I never would have believed this if I hadn’t seen others go through it- that he intentionally instigates flare ups because he knows it traps me with him. I’m not telling him I’m leaving until I have most of my things out and there are people with me. I don’t trust him to not kill me.
11 years of this abuse
by: Deandra

THIS is exactly what I am going through! Everything she wrote, everything her ex was, is my spouse! He says I've been cheating all of our time together, I'm with him for money, and I’m a wh*re. I'm now in the works of leaving. He had control over me. He didn't want me to work, his name is on everything. My phone is under his name, and he can see how many texts I get, and assumes I'm cheating because I'm texting. I stopped going out with my friends because he would stay up all night waiting for me, and start a fight when I got home about who I'm cheating with. I eventually stopped talking and hanging out with friends, but he always freely went out with friends, and never returned until the next day. He wants control over everything. Now he'll follow me around and pick a fight out of the blue.

I think he has bi-polar, but he will never get help. The only thing I can do is leave. Everyone thinks I'm the problem, because he is so calm and cool with others, but when he is mean, he is very, very mean. He will say things I could never say to anyone. He breaks things. He threw a coffee pot through our window. Bent my iPad in half, and broke my phone, among other things. I'm kind of b*tchy, but that's just me, but when we fight, I'm definitely the calmer one. I try to reason with him. He will fly off and assume something is happening when really it is not. I'm glad I'm not the only one experiencing this. I felt like it was my fault. But more and more I'm realizing there is something wrong with him, not me. We were supposed to get married in a couple months. I put so much money and effort into it. He did nothing. I guess that shows where I stand. Well below him.
I'm glad you left the abuse
by: Keegan

What I discovered in talking with other women of abuse, the abuse isn't about the woman in any way. Instead, it is about problems the male has that existed long before he ever met you. He knows that and refuses to address and be responsible for his problems with abuse. He'll cry and promise you he will never do it again, but he does regularly. For my abuser, marriage was what he needed in order to feel safe enough to start the abuse. What I came away with it all is that the first time it happens is when you leave for your own safety and the safety of your kids, because he has shown you what he really is, and you should never expect that to change. And you cannot remedy his abuse, and that is all on him to do.
Please advise
by: Kassi

I have been married to this man for a little over a year. I was a widow for 7 years, he was divorced twice but single for 18 years. We met at church and dated over a year before marriage.

Little did I know he is an alcoholic. In front of family our grown kids, friends, he hides it so well. I can’t diagnose, but when he drinks too much he goes into a rage. It is a cycle. He physically hit me the other night for the first time.

I have never dealt with anything like this before. I don’t know who to talk to. I don’t feel the same toward him now. His temper and verbal abuse has happened many times in one year. He’s a very good looking guy and works hard during the day.

Please advise. I care so for him and he will not seek help.
I'm afraid, I may go back
by: I Married a Monster

My husband just left and I'm afraid that I may allow him back.
1 year ago on Easter Sunday, I left an abusive 12 year relationship
by: Carlie

I am psychopath-free and have been for 1 year now. It has taken me a long time to realize exactly what was going on and how bad it was. I kept thinking to myself, what's the difference between being mistreated and being abused? No family member or professional can make you realize this.

I had 3 months of what I thought was normal, 3 months of what I thought was respect, 3 months of what I thought was love. It turned out what I really endured was 3 months of grooming. I was love bombed, loyalty tested, patience tested and obedience tested. I passed. This resulted in me being the sole supplier to a narcissist, a psychopath and an abuser.

100% of my energy on a daily basis went on keeping him happy, trying to be everything he wanted, needed and expected. Trying to avoid conflict at all costs and thinking of new ways to excuse his behavior. I was the peace keeper.

After years of being put down, being called fat, dumb and all the worst names you can think of, how can you love someone you know is a bad human being? Someone who is incredibly difficult to be around, someone you worry about when they get home and what is in store for you that night.

I was belittled, at home and in public. I was verbally abused weekly. I was made to feel and openly told I wasn't meeting his expectations. He didn't like me socializing outside of him. He didn't like me being out of the house when he was at home. I was spied on by the security cameras, I wasn't allowed to be ill. If I was ill, which was very rarely he would shout at me, call me pathetic, still expect me to wait on him hand, foot, and finger.

It finally took 12 years of this treatment for my depression and anxiety to hit its peak. I was having panic attacks every week. I was plotting my own suicide. With 2 children, I was totally and selfishly consumed by my own misery. I was drowning.

After 12 years of physical, mental, emotional and sexual abuse, I had had enough. The catalyst was my children. It took just one single night of emotional and verbal abuse in front of my kids. Having to comfort them while they cried because of daddy's shouting and swearing.

It hit me. I can't change him, I can't change the past 12 years but I can help impact my children's future. They must know that behaving this way or being treated this was isn't acceptable. You can't have love without respect.

Not knowing what to do and how to go about it, I contacted a family member, also a police officer and that's when I realized I had to safeguard my children. Before I knew it, I was referred for domestic abuse counseling, a women's abuse organization and everything I needed to help me not just understand what's happened, but also how to move forward.

Now I am free, I am a survivor. Although I still have a lot of stress from him, a non-molestation and occupation order keeps that at bay to a degree. I finally have the strength and knowledge to deal with the narcissistic psychopath I was once married to.

Go with your gut feeling, whether you think it's abuse at the time or not, if you're being mistreated, get out! If you’re being made to feel in anyway crazy, sensitive, inadequate... Get out! If you are worried something isn't right, it's not. Trust yourself.
35 years of marriage gone
by: Trying to be strong

I am 53. Going through protective orders and filling out the petition for divorce. Had to call the cops and they were on standby. He took all of the vehicle keys away and tried to lock me out of the house when tried to get a key from him. Then he brandished a shotgun and said if I called the cops, there would be a showdown. Made a statement at the police department that day, and I’m glad my daughter talked me into it because of the way the next couple of days played out. Nonstop texting harassment to myself and my son-in-law, who was only trying to mediate me getting my essentials out of the house and eventually got a text lashing.

He refused several times of negotiations to do a separation. When I mentioned a legal separation and was willing to work out a schedule of when one of us would stay at the house and other would go elsewhere (just so my son could have his own bed back and things could cool off and be a time for self-reflection), he lost it and went right back to name calling. He doesn’t want space. He wants me as his possession. He got very controlling and worse with verbal abuse and raging over small things. The worst has been this year.

I’m crying, wondering why he can’t see what he has done with most of his relationships. He has practically no one now because of his I don’t give a F**K attitude. He rages like a child. He has ruined his work relationships and hasn’t held a job for longer than a year before someone kicks him off the job site because he can’t control himself. In his eyes, everyone is wrong and he is always right. I should have spoken up a long time ago, instead of allowing him to condition me to be yelled at. Why did I keep pushing it down to the pit of my stomach, thinking it’s okay? I’m tired of feeling sick in my head, heart, and stomach. This is just like a death if not worse. Trying to be strong while I get paperwork in order and keep my job.
I should have left long ago
by: Couldn't Take The Abuse

He was great while we dated for 2 years. After we were married, he changed. He was with me all the time and I had no alone time. He wanted to fool around 7 times a day and I couldn't do it--there was no romance or foreplay, and he just wanted to relieve himself. He went into anger over anybody or anything. And that anger would be brought home to me and I would be thrown against walls and have my hands slammed. He would physically restrain me so I couldn't leave--he had to exert full control over me. When I was divorcing him, he called into my work demanding to know where I was and they wouldn't tell him--work had to put the place in lock down. Eventually we went to court and the Judge gave me a protective/restraining order against him. BUT I had to go after him legally for EACH and EVERY time he stepped over the line so that he knew I wouldn't take it from him any longer. Every person he has since married has the opportunity to learn that he had a protective/restraining order against him, but they married him anyway. I moved thousands of miles away and restarted the lives of myself and my child. GET AWAY as it won't get better if you stay, and you must get protective/restraining orders and go after him legally when he violates them. Otherwise, he maintains control over you and your life.
26 Years of abuse
by: Suzanne

I have been with my husband since I was 16 and he was 25. I should have left the first time he hit me 25 years ago. I have been through drug abuse (him not me), physical abuse, mental and emotional abuse. He even punched me in the stomach 2 weeks after having my gall bladder removed. He has threatened to kill me and I have peed on myself in fear. I worked 2 jobs in the beginning to support my family since he couldn't hold down a job and after 25 years I am still working 2 jobs, now because I like not being home. Out of all the abuse, threats, drug use (maybe 8 sober years in the entire 26 years - 6 years one time then now 3 years sober) He has sold a car for dope, had gotten a car stolen while copping dope, stolen money from me multiple times, sold every game system we had along with the games, stolen and sold jewelry, stereo systems, and much more, he threatened me when I wouldn't give him money. I have only went to the police 2x's and he was only in jail for 1-2 nights.

The last time he hit me was a few years ago. I left for a month and ended up going back because promises to stay sober (which he has) and to never threaten or hit me again. Well he has not hit me nor used any drugs, but he is still mentally and verbally abusive. I am really at my wits end and am seriously thinking about leaving and saving up a little more money before I do. He calls me every name in the book, demeans me as much as he can, and starts arguments. And when I get mad or defend myself it gets worse. Even though he hasn't hit me in 3 years, he has chased me around the house in a fit of rage, he has continued to belittle me and yell at me. Most recently in the last few months, he has been accusing me of trying to poison him, as he gets nauseous when he eats certain things, so it's my fault and I'm trying to poison him. Never happened and I would never do anything like that, so I told him I won't cook for him anymore if he really thinks I'm trying to poison him. I am so sick of always feeling beaten down and like it's my fault. I just want out, but the prior abuse from him makes me fear if I tell him I want to leave, he would do something to me. But I'm working on the courage to soon be ready to tell him. Any advice would be great.
Husband used me for a green card
by: Jennyfer

Omg, I read all the comments and made me cry. I was so naive or dumb to have married my first boyfriend who I had met when I was younger. And I thought he was the same boy… but oh no! I married an alcoholic, narcissistic man who abuses me emotionally, verbally, and financially. He hides his real self… and his numerous infidelities. I was so blind. I brought him to this country. I sent money to his children. Since I'm always being a compassionate person, he took advantage of me. And several times he talked bad about me and my family, making false statements... and I was the one who worked. He only worked for few months and drank a lot.

I finally divorced him in the country we married. I’m living a nightmare. I lost 3 years of my life with this man. I'm praying that soon he can leave the house forever. He is waiting for his green card (he told everybody and I heard him saying that). I'm refusing to go to the immigration interview. He does not deserved anything from me. He destroyed my life.

But I know I can do it... all of us can do it. We have to be strong and leave these man. We deserve to be happy. Let’s begin to love ourselves first. And be strong. Prepare for a job. Be independent and run away from any form of abuse. No more abuse. Let’s stop that.
Time isnt replaceable & abuse rarely ends in divorce
by: Shari

I was out. Out and a thousand miles away. My own fears coupled with well-meant but clueless advice led me to return. Two autistic sons who needed specific care that was difficult to provide as a full time at home mom. Now I was going to need to work too? Thing is there's actually very little help the older the kids are. Also that stigma will be greater.

MOST IMPORTANTLY: ABUSE RARELY ENDS WITH THE DIVORCE. Do not delude yourself. I’ve been out the final time for 7.5 years and the abuses have never been worse. Document and report. Nothing is frivolous. If there's a penal code for the action taken against you, demand it be investigated and prosecuted. Do not accept "it’s a civil matter". There's nothing civil about abuse.
When men blame the victim.
by: Valentina

Emotional abuse and verbal abuse is lasting pain that never leaves the victim. Data shows that women are victims of physical, verbal or emotional abuse more than men. Some men are just broken or have narcissistic traits that make them abuse their spouses or partners. If you read what the victim stated, her husband came from a broken home and had issues with drug addiction. Emotional abuse is a pain on women that can last a last time. For any women that has been degraded by verbal or emotional abuse, is best to count your losses and leave right away. Men do not change if they are broken.
I sympathize with "No where to turn"
by: Michelle

It is an eye-opener that abuse, the kind that can destroy a person, isn't always packaged with hits and abandonment. Sometimes it takes the horrible disguise of respectability, the man she described as having millions, as being admired by all, and yet secretly he was this Hyde character. How well I know this type! Just like my husband. He brags constantly about HIS money while spending mine. Funny how he sees it, what's his is his, what's mine is his. Only one of us is in this marriage. Adult videos, alcohol abuse, drugs, women, prostitutes, cheating on taxes, he's done it all. As long as he’s not caught, he will forever behave this way. Who’s to catch him? Only I know, and no one would believe me. Men like this lead double lives, with their frightened, beat down families at home and their admirers elsewhere.
Stuck with an alcoholic abuser for 37 years!
by: BKD

Don't wait and allow your personhood to be destroyed. I am a high-earner professional woman who has always worked, but I live a life that is the same as a woman on the street. Verbally abused by a man whose mind is a sewer, he is a selfish man who only takes and takes from me, as if I were a servant. I think he suffers from mental illness as he took the doorknob off an upstairs bedroom where he goes and talks out loud for HOURS and HOURS, using the foulest language that always includes threats to me and horrible name calling. It starts around 10:00pm and usually goes until 4:00am or later, then he sleeps until noon the next day. The day’s pattern is that he will start drinking around 1:00pm, then watch hours and hours of alt-right stuff on the internet, then proceed to get falling down drunk and start the swearing and night talking. I have to work the next day and get up at 5:00 am, but I'm dead tired and emotionally wrecked! He soils himself, passes out and falls, and has ruined about every holiday or vacation, so I've stopped even trying those anymore. I live in a prison, rurally, and will have to prepare to lose everything in order to break free of this monster. Don't wait, it WILL NEVER GET BETTER and will only get worse as he ages.
14 years
by: Lost Everything

What does it mean when my husband strangled me and told me that I left him with no other choice? His "I'm sorry" never came. He was very upset that I never thought about what all of this (video surveillance of the strangling, charges, lawyer, court, and shame) has done to HIM; that I have only thought of myself since this happened 5 months ago. He's not said that he is sorry. He's not asked me how I feel or how I am. I'm in a safe place far away from him but I've lost everything. My career, home, friends, belongings, finances. My garden. Who is this man that used to love me?
My Wife is Verbally Abusive to me and the kids
by: JF

I've been married 15 years. At first my wife was very nice and sweet when we dated. She had the lowest self-esteem and a horrible relationship with her father. However, she treated me fairly after the wedding. Once we had a child a couple of years later, her real self began to show. At first I thought she had baby blues and maybe mild depression. She would threaten suicide every time something went wrong which it would. She was getting mad at the baby for doing things babies and toddlers would do, would curse and yell and say the meanest things to me if I intervened. She continues to treat me and the two kids horribly, including verbal abuse and threats and rage every other day. Next day she may be sweet. Day later, back to rage.
It never changes
by: Mary

I wish I could say that from my experience if you get help or seek relationship counseling that things change but my experience is that they don't especially when you're dealing with someone abusing you. It just doesn't ever seem to change and I've been in my share of abusive relationships I left two of them. In both there was never any physical abuse.

I left my first husband after 20 years of marriage and went to a battered women's shelter though there was no physical abuse. The emotional abuse and neglect I described to them was considered abuse. A friend who is a nurse told me that if I have to leave and go to a shelter to choose a battered woman's shelter; they are by far much nicer. I took the advice and found one that was a beautiful home with other women and children. You go to meetings and get counselling, plus they help you find financial assistance and you can go back to school or work or do whatever you want knowing your children are safe.

My last relationship he wanted me home and didn't want me getting educated, going to school or having a career, VERY CONTROLLING. I chose to leave and go back to school and now I can say proudly I'm a Nurse!!!!!! I'm so glad I left.

I moved in with a friend that let me rent a room I could afford. Find cheap rent don't try to get your own place it's too expensive. Just rent a room and reach out to others they will refer you to resources and you will find support, but tell the right people to find the support.
I'm married to an abusive spouse
by: Tawney

I am leaving him for good and never looking back. I'm tired of not being able to eat and the threats all the time. We have one son together and it's time I take a stand and leave.
You are stronger than you think
by: Mary

You will be fine; just take baby steps and if things don't get better get your ducks in order and have everything ready when you decide to make the decision that's right for you

Treat yourself with love and kindness 💖

You are strong, courageous and capable of finding a better life.
A cold and loveless relationship with subtle or not so subtle emotional abuse
by: Mary

I've been married now for almost 5 years and I'm still in a distant, cold relationship with no affection. My husband seems to think it's normal and refuses to sleep next to me or let me cuddle with him. It's very awkward to say the least, sleeping in the same bed year after year and having zero contact. I've finally accepted that if I choose to stay this is what I would be in for.


Mary
I'm working on it
by: Trapped

I'm still in an abusive relationship and last night me and my "boyfriend" of 7 years got into it. I was mad because there is mold all through the bathroom and mushrooms are now growing. He started his own business in leveling camps a year ago, so I know he can replace the floor in the bathroom. He doesn’t do anything unless he is getting thousands of dollars a week. We are not married but he is on my health insurance through the state (even though he makes tons of money because he doesn’t claim anything). I have no proof of this because he and his dad (who's on social security) would go to work and I never knew how much they got except when I found an email from a customer for $14,000.

Anyway when I met him, he was a drug dealer and he introduced me to heroin, meth, Cocaine and other stuff. I was only 18. I remember being scared but he said for me to trust him, so I did. That ended up ruining me. A year later I was completely addicted to drugs and the state troopers show up, long story short they found a bag of heroin that was his and he wasn’t about to take the charge for it. The cops left us both a summons a few weeks later and he had convinced me to take the charge or he was going to jail. I couldn’t let that happen because I was not only in love, but would also be without my next fix. He promised me he was going to pay that charge off ASAP, but he didn’t pay off the charge. He ended up going to the hospital and I was walking down the street and got arrested for a warrant from the fine that he never paid. Of course, as an addict, I had stuff on me and was charged with possession.

3 years ago I finally got sober and off the heroin and was ready to be done with him and move out of state to be with my grandmom. Unfortunately, I was taking his suboxone and I wanted to get my own script, but was an hour away from the place with no vehicle. His family was telling me I don't need a script and that if I just quit suboxone they would pay for me to go to New Jersey. Well I got arrested last year on my way to a job interview due to unpaid fines I didn’t know about. Of course when I was getting arrested I had suboxone on me and no script and instead of telling them they were my boyfriends, I got my 4th possession charge.

After that I found this guy (J. is what I'll call him) who kind and loving and he helped me way more than my boyfriend. Actually while I was sitting in jail for having my boyfriend’s suboxone, J was the one who called. He was also sitting in court when I got there with my mom. The judge let me go December 3rd then I got home and found out my grandmother was dying from cancer. I broke up with my old "boyfriend", got my own suboxone script, and was ready to leave here for good and was finally sober!

But then I found out on Valentine’s Day I was pregnant with my "ex boyfriends" baby (who by the way didn’t call or get me nothing for that Valentine’s Day.) J on the other hand, got me a giant bear and card telling me he loved me and Rose's and baby’s first handprint picture frame. Up until March my "ex-boyfriend" didn’t know I was with J or that I was pregnant. When I told him, he cried and screamed at me and I hung up. Then he kept being super nice and just showing up, so I ended it with J because he knew it wasn’t his baby and even then he still loved me and accepted this. I just wanted my son to have a father. Unfortunately I chose the wrong one.

During all this, my grandmom was dying in hospital in another state, while I was not allowed to leave Maine and was looking at 3 weeks in jail while pregnant. I would have my boyfriend telling me "if this isn’t my baby, I'll kill you", then being nice again. At that point I was so scared. My "boyfriend" always talked about how much money his daddy got and how they would take custody. In May of last year my "boyfriend" and his daddy kept telling me to quit my 2 jobs because I was pregnant and it was my job to stay home. I didn't want to, but it was getting harder on me. They promised to pay the probation fee and the car insurance plus my phone bill.

Unfortunately that's not how things went...The baby was born in August and by January my "boyfriend" put the internet and cable bill in my name without telling me about it. He promised to pay them and the car insurance, but hasn’t for almost a year. So now my credit is ruined and collectors are coming after me.

I'm living in a house where the bathroom floor is rotted (it's his father’s house). Last night I found a mushroom growing and told the BF who started flipping out on me. When we were fighting, he grabbed my hair and pulled it. Then I told him to get away from me and he ran to his father’s house. His father called me and continues to tell me on the phone that I just need to bleach the floor every week and it won’t grow. I tried very hard to explain to him that the mold is the problem... however he didn’t want to hear it. He controls his son, he controls his son’s job and his son sat at his house for 4 years while I was applying for jobs (he was hoping for disability, he didn’t get it). The state put my BF on my healthcare and food stamps because I was supposed to be getting $400 a month for my Bills, so if I get low-income housing he has a right to be there, which I don’t want.

It's not fair to me anymore. I'm 25 and I've only been on a date when he was going to meet his friends. I've been here since I was 18 and I didn’t get to experience what people my age are supposed to do. We haven’t actually been together for a while now. My baby got sick and because of that and me having postpartum depression in the beginning he hates me. We have never gotten married and in this state there is no common law marriage. I've talked to case workers who even said he has the house so he gets the baby. I'm working really hard on leaving this, but I can’t do it on my own. If anyone out there ever feels like he isn’t the right one just leave. I'm here because I can’t afford to take my baby out of state for his surgeries on my own and I don’t want to lose him.
I left the abuser
by: Didn't look back

I was married for 8 years and I tried. I tried all I know how. I have been abused for all 8 years of my marriage and my husband would call me all kinds of ugly names. I took all of that for 8 years and my mind was made up to leave so many times over the verbal and physical abuse that I took. I couldn't go anywhere, I couldn't hold a job because he was so jealous. I couldn't even go outside without him accusing me of something, in which none of the things were true. He was always accusing me of being with other people, so all I did was stay up in our bedroom and sit all day and all night. I couldn’t hold a job because he has to accuse me of going with other people at the job. He has told me to leave, so I left and didn't look back.
Can’t make a clear decision
by: Miki

My husband has always had an anger issue. Any small thing would always be made into something big and turned into a fight all the time. He always yells at me. In the beginning of the relationship, I would just run hide into a corner and cry so hard. I didn’t grow up yelling or fighting, but his actions towards me all the time taught me to defend myself and I learned to yell back. I always gets hurt and I always cry. I found a way to not say a word when he is angry just to avoid arguments, but what he does is to keep coming to my face with his finger in my face and yelling. I always think there is something wrong with his personality and behavior. He likes to play the victim and say everything is my fault. He told me to leave more than 10 times. He calls me a wh***, a sh*t hole, a b*tch and more hurtful words. He also said he hopes I’ll get struck by lightning and struggle in life. I can say everything but I don’t have friends to talk to. I still not sure if it is time for me to leave because I know he will say the same thing to me over and over again. What do you think I should do?
He was nice when I met him
by: Doris

My ex-husband was nice when I met him. I was 26 and had dated him about a year. We decided to get married and buy a house. His family resented me from the start. He had a dysfunctional and vile family. Especially one favorite sister, whom my husband would go to for advice even though she had her own troubled marriage. Because I didn't fit it and there were other troubles, he started to verbally and emotionally abuse me. I was called every name in the book, even in front of family and they would just laugh. Finally he threatened to slap me. Had I stayed I believe it would have gotten physical.

We were married for over 2 years. Another sister said we wouldn't make for another 2 years. A friend of his said I was stupid to marry him, but hated when I talked about him. So I must have been a genius divorcing him. All total it was 4 years of hell, the dark years I called them.

I found out later that a boyfriend that I previously went out with before meeting my ex-husband had called for me and my father never told me. When I called him back he was already seeing someone else and preferred to keep it that way. I felt he and I would have been better together and I would have divorced my ex-husband in a heartbeat to have a chance at him. However, that didn't happen. I wasn't given that chance and I wonder about that because I wish I had never married my ex-husband.

There were red flags and I was blind and regret that now. I should have listened and never married him, but I did learn that I would never let anyone treat me like that ever again. Now, 25 years later I am married to a good and kind-hearted man who takes marriage and commitment seriously, not as a joke and we have 2 beautiful children, so if I can do this anybody can. Love yourself first. I learned I was stronger than I thought.
Just a dumb young mom
by: Jordane

I’ve been married 3 years. We’ve been together for 10 years and things weren’t ever amazing like the beginning relationships are. While pregnant with my 3rd child I was kicked out. We separated for two years after that, but if I ever tried to make friends or move on he would make my life living hell. I would get hit for having friends. Still I believed his crying, apologies and promises of changing. He stopped being physically abusive, but now I have to deal with being kicked out with 4 kids and every time he’s home from work. He swears I’m cheating with no proof because there is none. Calls me names. Says horrible things in front of our kids to me or about me. I can’t spend money on our kids because it gets talked about as if I went on a shopping spree instead of getting school supplies. He cries, goes off, blames himself, and blames me. It’s a roller coaster with his moods. I pray for guidance and to be able to leave and find happiness for my kids and I. Sadly I’m still in this relationship. Idk what will happen for me to say this is enough. I feel lost.
Over it!
by: Christi

Was married for 23 years and the abuse wasn’t always recognizable. I should have left three years in, but he told me he would take our kids from me if I ever left! Our situation escalated to homeless 8 times as a family! He just told me the other day as our divorce becomes final that "I don’t know what I am feeling"! He decided for me that I don’t know how to feel or think for myself. I’m 48 and just I wish I had the strength and courage to have left sooner!
Married 40 yrs now - Looks like time to leave but how?
by: Gwen T

My husband and I have this year been married 40 years. No children. Recently, he was angry and it culminated in physical and verbal abuse. It's been 2 months and we are not speaking. He is in one room working, I in the other being quiet. My back hurts from the recent abuse where I was pushed several times into a wall.

I don't know how or why, but I suddenly realized this is not my fault - never has been. Yet I always believed it was something I did wrong to get him upset. He has had a constant pattern of verbal, emotional, and physical abuse throughout our marriage. Whenever he was upset and the abuse occurred he would end up blaming me, telling me I caused it. Well, for whatever reason I bought that hook, line, and sinker. Now, again for whatever reason, I know I am not at fault for any of it.

I used to think it was my role to have him get counseling, but realize that is not up to me. Since this recent incident he assured me he would, but 8 weeks later here we are, he has not done anything towards that end. So we don't talk and I wait for my back to heal (I hope).

We have both had successful professions with me semi-retired at 67 and him still working remotely. Our issues were not about money only about me being stupid, brainless, a *b, a *slt, a parasite, etc. Once he gave me a broken nose and had to have surgery. I never told the doctor what happened just 'walked into the bathroom door' in dark early morning.

I have attempted to discuss the abuse with him on several occasions over the past weeks but to no avail. He only tells me what I did to make him upset and to cause his abusive acts.

Now, I am trying to pray I can bring forth the will to leave. I know legally half of our assets are mine, and half are his. But I need to have money to live and not sure how to facilitate that, especially in the beginning.

But I feel like I am under the waterfalls of Niagara and not thinking completely clearly. And am admittedly afraid, of what my life will be like by myself.

If anyone has any ideas or recommendations it would be very much appreciated.
Affair turned to long term 15 years of hell.
by: JenniChelle

I was married once before to a man I grew up with. By the time I was 25, it felt as if we were siblings. He was the only man I had ever slept with and we had 2 kids. I then met my current husband and a year later we were sleeping together. I fell in love and chose him over my 1st husband.

Once he had me, the abuse began. I was hit, choked, slapped and slammed. At the same time he was romantic, sexy, and fun. His mother told me he was diagnosed Bi Polar at 16. He refused meds. He was just plain mean! He was never faithful to me. The hitting stopped but the verbal and emotional abused got worse. I left many times and came back thinking he was finally the man I fell in love with long ago. But after a few days, he'd change back.

This last time I allowed him to convince me to come back, a woman came knocking on our door. She told me he had been lying to her, they'd been romantically involved, and she thought he and I were over for a whole year. This was last May.

Well, I can't say this was right of me, but I lost weight and began to doll myself up more. I had a male friend I always found attractive and I slept with him. It showed me that it's easy to just move on once you stop being scared. What have I been afraid of? Lol IDK! He is always angry about something and stomping around like a caveman. He has broken furniture and put holes in walls. We fought EVERYDAY.

I can't live like that anymore. My youngest turned 18 and I'm only 40. It's my time and he's not bringing me down! I filed for divorce yesterday. Moved out 2 weeks ago. I’m having a blast and he is miserable. Which is cool but not important. As I just want out of the mess. If you can leave, JUST LEAVE!
I ignored the signs, but never again
by: I'm Free

All these things are signs that we must not ignore in our future relationships: devaluing, disrespecting, gaslighting, crazy making, financial abuse, emotional abuse, children verbal abuse.

I have been in the relationship off and on for 28 years and married for 15. When I first met him he was a player. When I found out 3 months into the relationship from a girlfriend who told me all he talked about was getting with the next woman, I decided to end it. I wrote him a nice letter and wanted to part as friends, he begged me not to leave him and so I stayed. A couple years later I was pregnant with his child and when I told him he said he was going to break up with me. That was my clue I should have RUN, that was the test and I FAILED miserably. A few month into the pregnancy some woman answered his phone when I called him from work and when I got to his house I found women's underwear between the bed and the wall. He played it off with some non-sense about laundry. Unfortunately, I felt trapped and stayed.

When my daughter was born was the first taste of the pure selfish RAGE I would endure for years to come. The evening of my daughter's christening there were a house full of well-wishers after the church ceremony. I asked him to stay and meet people and he screamed and yelled at the top of his lungs with the baby in my arms that he wanted to go, he wasn't going to stay for fake Sh$t and promptly left. I stayed there stunned, humiliated and crying with a house full of guests. His father told me he had never been with one woman so long he was Pu$$$ whipped! I couldn't believe the grandfather of my child could talk to me that way. I also couldn't believe my man would allow it.

This occurred again, as his family gave a party for the baby. All his father's friends were in the basement drinking and playing loud music, while his female friends came over and saw the baby and pretty much looked right through me as if I weren't there at his house. He ignored me and was talking to multiple women all night and when confronted, he said he was tired of me and my Sh$t. I cried again, feeling trapped. I told my good friend who introduced us and she spoke to him for some time that night at which time he tried to shoe her off. However, that night he came back with the love making and the apologies and feeling trapped I acquiesced. He'd always tell me how good I was at letting stuff go and not holding on to anger, another trick to prime me for abuse.

I got a new job and started making more money and he of course borrowed more money and I moved into an apartment with him. He yelled and belittled me, saying the house wasn't clean enough, or I didn't cook right. The only thing I could do was make love right. I got pregnant again. This is 6 years later and I was having a boy. Because he was feeling trapped or bored, or whatever, he left me when I was 8 months pregnant and moved back to his father's house. This left me with the 6 year old and my baby in my stomach. Once again, not even being told why he was leaving, he just would leave. I packed up myself and kids and moved closer to my family. He would call me and curse me out every morning, saying I took the kids from him; although I gave him visitation every other weekend. He just nagged and nagged.

He kept at it and wore me down and three years later promised he would take care of me and the kids, not yelling or cheating on me. I loved him and believed him so I married him. We moved into our own home away from everyone else and then the abuse really got going under cover of our own home.

I worked hard kept getting promotions, went back to school and obtained 2 masters degrees. I started going to the gym, roller-skating and long distance running. I felt really good about myself and now that the kids were grown wanted, have things of my own to keep me happy. I attracted female friends and male friends who supported me. I brought a new car and started to enjoy the fruits of my labor. He didn't like that at all and began the campaign that I was cheating, lying, running around, not helping him with money and bill paying, when I was paying for 75% of all the bills, 100% of any vacation we went on and 100% for any rental car fees to take the kids to and from the University and the beginning and end of the school year. He refused to help pay for college always saying he didn't have any money, by saying to the kids if it was left up to me you'd be going to community college, you better thank your momma.

I subsequently learned that all the years that I praised him for raising the kids in the days, he would curse and yell at the kids while I worked, since he worked nights; he was home in the day. He would terrify the kids, threaten them don't tell your mother this or that and that he would hurt me if they told me anything. I was so amazed when my daughter was in her early 20s and my son his mid-teens and they began to recount things their father did and said to them.

The last few years of my life have been filled with one story after another, one lie after another. The daily smoking weed and drinking, cursing, screaming, mumbling under his breath calling me and the kids names, the accusations of cheating, swearing the phone was going off with some fake lover, the complaints about paying bills, breaking my personal belongings and telling me he found my things broken. He complained of being broke although he makes $60,000 a year (though he barely paid for 15% of the house bills) it was mind numbing. The gaslighting, saying you don't remember, he didn't do this or that, when he absolutely DID. All the while he had a separate phone and was getting calls from women. All the while paying bills so late the services were always days from being shut off.

The last 4 years of constant threats that he would leave me and divorce me and if I did one more thing he'd divorce me; grew stronger since I graduated with my double Masters. I think he began to feel that I was outgrowing him and would begin to see him for who he really was. I didn't have karate, soccer, fencing or school plays to attend with the kids and I was finished school, so there were no distractions. Then telling the kids I wasn't as good as they thought or I was fooling around with other men. The more I did, the more he expected and the more vile and abusive he has become.

The worst part for me was how he treated the kids. He cursed and yelled at them at full volume, not 8 inches from their faces, for everything and nothing at all… you aren't shoveling properly, why aren't you awake, why is the garbage not taken out now, why haven't you found a job, I will throw our daughter out of the house, I'll beat our son like a grown man. Telling me 20 years ago I lied to him about being pregnant with our son and all kinds of wild accusations that you can never expect, crazy making essentially. He yelled and rushed us out of every graduation, birthday party, and holiday event or outside function.

He knows the kids are the keys to my heart so he doubled down on threats to them and then told them he would leave me and have 2 more kids, better than them who would respect him and he would have nothing to do with them. My kids are 20 and 27 and I worked so hard all these years keeping my head down and I was trying to make a better life for us all and he was undermining me and the kids the whole time. I am proud to say one kid is 1/2 way through college and the other has a master’s degree.

We are in the middle of divorce proceedings. He threatened me to buckle the "F" up and he would get my money, not because he wanted to but because he could. Scare tactics, since that's all he has left. I see him very differently now. A step back made me say why the He!! did I put up with that? I have so much to offer and deserve so much more. I can't wait until we sign. Until that time I am free with no drama, no daily insults, no accusations of cheating, no you have to give me money. He isn't being reasonable about the settlement agreement, so we'll just go to court. Now that he's gone, everything seems possible since I have my peace. I plan to travel, maybe even more out of state when my son graduates. It's all possible and when life has possibility you have everything. I made a vision board with all of the things I will do once my divorce is final and my heart leaps every time I look at it. I didn't realize how much I held myself back because he didn't like this or that. Now I am free, please free yourselves!
To "I'm not married, but it hurts as bad"
by: Chantal

He left you with scars. Best advice I can give you is don't dwell on what he did to you. Live for today and tomorrow. When the bad outweighs the good in a relationship, move on. Bury that hurt and make a new life for yourself. You are young! A new chapter in your life has begun.
I’m not married, but it hurts just as bad
by: Haunted by his words

I’m 28 years old living in a beautiful high rise in Chicago, IL. I make a decent living, working in the career of my dreams, have a good head on my shoulders, put my faith first, and I’d like to say that I’m not hard on the eyes. I met my toxic BF, 4 years ago in Chicago (prior to living there), he swept me off my feet faster than I could blink my eyes. Charming, tall, attractive, had a decent job.... but little did I know that underneath all of this was a man who absolutely hated himself. For 4 years I dealt with verbal abuse - he eventually moved to Chicago leaving his 3 kids to come stay with me and held that over my head every chance he could get. It was my fault he gave up time with his kids. He would call me out my name, tell me he hated me, even cheated on me once and for some dumb reason I kept taking him back.

Why?? Why do we do this? Had I listened to that voice in my head a long time ago I wouldn’t be here. With him calling the cops on me every time he gets mad, getting Extremely drunk every chance he gets, drinking entire bottles of vodka, reminding me of his hatred of me, how I am the worst thing that ever happened to him, how I don’t deserve to have my career, that I ruined his view of women forever, that if he had the chance he would sleep with the woman he cheated with me on in my face, etc.…

He is an alcoholic from a wealthy family. His parents fix all his problems and he continues to act out. Over the past years his life spiraled out of control. Most recently getting fired from his job for drinking on the job. He now has to work at Lowe’s with an MBA because he can’t find work. He now is living under his grandparent’s roof with his 3 children. I can only think that the mental abuse is due to how he feels about himself in comparison to me.

Yesterday was the final straw & I am very grateful to have my life. Today, I chose to walk away. I don’t know why I stayed. I gained nothing from the relationship other than a warm body to sleep with and a version of love that I now know wasn’t the real thing... and as much as I try to be tough, I HURT. The words, they hurt. They haunt me.... his malicious tactics haunt me. And now I’m left to pick up the pieces of my life again.

What’s next? And how can I find hope? Thank all of you women for sharing your stories. It let me know that I am not alone and more importantly... men who behave like this never change. I’m happy to have learned this early on before marrying and having kids with someone like this.
Don’t hesitate to leave!
by: Marivel

To those of you in the greatest nation around the world , please don’t hesitate to leave and find a job to change your lives for better. The US offers endless job opportunities, there are still good married-minded men, however; it’s impossible to know each other until starting to share the same roof unfortunately.

I recently went through a divorce (eight days ago) after eight years of ups and downs. He is 18 years older than me. He suffers from anxiety disorder, is racist (I’m Latina), obsessive controller, verbally abusive, acts bipolar, performs unnecessary and annoying shows in public, hates my entire family, specially my parents, cussed at me constantly, brought my self-esteem to ground level, using the most offensive and denigrating words a woman could hear. I wasn’t able to bring anybody home, I lost contact with everyone and had to mute my phone from getting notifications or even calls.

I went through hell; he offered me nice life, but then things changed. He’s a bragger, very hard to know at first sight.

Things got worse when he asked me to work as a teacher, due to my background, and I never got hired. Ever since, I’ve been called lazy, making me go for days barely eating. We don’t live in the US, and living in Latin America makes him feel that he has the power to step on me. Not anymore, l left with our 1.5 years old baby, and I told him I want the divorce and I want what the law says I will acquire. I left after he kicked me out. I could have left with my hands emptied, but my psychological damage is unrepairable.
Where is the answer
by: Nicole R

How can a woman leave with 2 young infant sons if she never worked during the marriage because the husband didn’t let her work despite her having a college education? My husband only earns enough to pay the rent and doesn’t let me work to support the household. He is extremely narcissistic and says it himself. He is smart, cunning, heartless, and runs hot and cold.

I have left him once and then took him back and had my second son. He uses my boys against me. Sometimes I think of just getting up and leaving my kids if it means I save my life.
Living hell
by: Josie

I have been married for 21 years. He is very verbally and emotionally abusive to me. He treats me with disrespect because I don’t work. I have health issues, and have jobs here and there, but at the moment I’m not working. He drinks every day and will say horrible things to me. He is never happy and never satisfied with his life. He doesn’t communicate with me and is downright rude when I try to. So....I don’t speak to him either. Then he will blame me for our terrible marriage.

He makes a lot of money and for years he has reminded me that I’m a loser. I have nothing. I never spend money on myself. I am not on any bank accounts. He does allow me the use of a credit card, but he sees every purchase and will act mad about it. But then he says he wants me to look nice. When I do work, he makes me pay for groceries and anything else I need. Gas, kid’s needs, etc.... "You can keep the rest" he says, like he’s doing me a favor. Its 50 dollars a month. 98 percent of my pay check is being used every month, but he doesn’t use 98 percent of his. He lies about money and hides money. He walks around constantly feeling sorry for himself, talking about how awful his life is. He has a high paying job, lives where he likes and has no health issues. I’m the one in constant pain, dealing with debilitating issues. I hate my life!
Physical and Mental Abuse Even While Pregnant
by: I Married a Monster

I had been with my child's father for almost 4 years and every minute felt like I was in a dark hole. The physical abuse started just a few months after meeting him. It got to the point I had him arrested and by me doing that, I opened the can and released the devil. I was hurt, confused, and vulnerable to his lies so I took him back thinking he would change. And the next fight resulted in me being arrested and accused of hitting him to save himself as he was already arrested once.

From there my life spiraled down the drain. I was so stupid as to have a child with this man and then another. He would mentally abuse me every day to the point I really thought there was something wrong with me. He would call the cops and make up false reports whenever I did something he didn’t like in order to keep his control. He once called the cops and said I hit my pregnant belly in order to prevent me from having a relationship with my daughter.

He always needed all the control and was so smart and calculated everything in advance on how he could hurt me and ruin my life. This man was a pure monster who ripped me of everything… my family, I lost my kids, and I suffered depression so bad I could barely function. I lost all grasp of my life and didn’t even feel alive anymore.

It’s easy to tell someone to just leave when they’re not living through it or feel the emotions you feel and don’t understand how you still care for an abuser. It took me knowing he will NEVER change, losing everything physically and mentally, to know I would never know what it’s like to truly smile and be happy if I stayed.

Every one of us women deserve to have someone who brings us up, not tear us down, and to have self-love for ourselves again. And it starts by walking away. No matter how hard the initial road will be, even if it means being homeless like I was. There’s always a brighter road ahead if you can stay strong enough to keep walking forward. God bless everyone who endures the abuse at the hands of someone else.
Stay Strong
by: Carla D

I agree with the commenter who said Be Strong in the Lord. If it hadn't been for my personal relationship with Jesus Christ and staying in Prayer, Praise and Worship, and yes, laying my pain and tears at the foot of the cross, I would never have survived the hard times in my marriage. Not all men are totally abusive. Many are immature and have some addictions, and some also have some leftover traumas from their childhood. But all of these things can be reconciled and they can get help, and they too, can become good husbands once more.

And no, never allow real abuse in your marriage, even if you have to separate. Separations can be real testers and oftentimes, real healers. Praying for you all. It WILL get better, and don't beat yourself up if you do have to leave. Sometimes it is best, but God will be with you through any changes that need to come as well.
Ways To Separate When You Have No Money
by: Carla D

My heart goes out to everyone here. I can tell you that I have been married (if I live until the end of October of this year) for 50 years. Now a lot of you would ask, so why on earth are you commenting on this forum? While my experiences with my husband haven't been as violent or abusive as what some of you are/have been experiencing, there have been years of disrespect and inconsideration. But what I wanted to share with you is this.

If you find yourself feeling hopeless, with no money, and no way to physically leave your unhappy union, why not try to separate "within your own existence"? You can change your hours. You can be sleeping when he is there and up when he is sleeping. You can be gone when he is home and home when he is gone. Don't be as "available" for him, he'll begin to get the message. Doesn't mean you have to start anything or be argumentative, just the opposite. Be "nice". Be happy within "your own coexistence" and act like "he" is the farthest thing from your mind. Unless you are married to a true criminal, you may just find that an internal separation, in the long run, may just bring the two of you closer together. Sometimes when we just "Let Go and Let God" and give our spouse to Him, and just go on with our living, but making changes so that we can have a more peaceful existence, works "real wonders".

Carve out time for yourself. Yes, care for your spouse if you can but do NOT allow "any" verbal or physical abuse "ever"... and do not allow emotional abuse either. Don't try to change your spouse, let God work on Him... and in the meantime keeping praying and asking the Lord to grant you the wisdom to know what to do, when to do it, and what "not" to do. If the two of you truly want "peace"..."peace" is entirely possible and maybe even "love" will come back into your relationship. I will pray for you all. Don't give up. Tomorrow is a new day and it WILL get better, I promise you.
Cheating plus verbal and emotional abuse
by: Kimi

Why can’t I just get the courage and leave? I’ve been with my Husband almost 8 years and he has a different woman or women every year. He is very selfish, but I knew all this before I married him. I think my situation is a lot worse than anyone, he just hasn’t put his hands on me.
I just googled how to survive abuse
by: Shattia

I am just sooo tired of him yelling because he can’t find his belt or he can’t find his car keys! Is this normal? Am I just over reacting?
Domestic partner
by: Jess

I have been in this relationship for 19 years, and we have put up with each other's cheating and having kids by someone else. We moved in together back five years ago, but he has paid rent less than five times because he refused to get a job and help out. He thinks all he has to do is clean. He doesn't help buy things for the two boys we have together, he wears my oldest son’s clothes and when they ask him for stuff he says go ask your mom. When he has money, he would rather buy drugs and alcohol and eats most of the kid’s food (which I think he does on purpose because he knows I will replace it for my kids’ sake). He has broken my car windshield and basement windows, which I had to pay for. I’m moving soon and I'm afraid he will try and destroy my property because he will not be moving with us. I feel like I'm going to explode if he destroys everything I worked hard to get.
Mental abuse and physical abuse
by: Andrea

Well, I have been married to this man for 35 years. Yes 35. Feeling very stupid and shameful. I was abused and bullied at school and was never allowed to stand up for myself. I did once and got whipped. My brother stood up for me and he got a good beating. So when I was 18 I left home and met this man that was 13 years older than me, and he was so charming and fun to be with. Then he talked about marriage, luring me in. I had a car that cost me 475 dollars, but he sold it to an alcoholic friend that totaled in that same day he sold it. So I was without a car.

Once he finally said we could get married, I asked to have my family there and he said no. I said "I want my parents at least" so he said yes. So they came with gifts and money. After the wedding, he basically pushed my parents away. We went to bar for maybe 5 min, then went to see his other siblings, then we left. We didn’t even spend enough time with anybody to get a card or congratulations. Then after we got back home, he sat in chair and gave me 7 days without speaking to me. I was crying and asking what I did, but he said he wanted to get an annulment of the marriage but could not because he sold my car.

Now I know why he did it. I have no friends and he yells at me (then denies yelling at me). For 35 years I was scared, nervous, depressed, sad, and ended up in the hospital. I had to have ECT treatments because of him and lost my memory. But while I was in the hospital, my sis came to visit me. He was in the room alone with me and she walked in and saw he was slapping and beating me. I had to be moved to another room with an alias name so he could not find me.

I’m was so tired of mental abuse. He was yelling at me and I yelled back for the first time, and then I ran down stairs. The bowl he threw at me broke on my back. He then picked up a standing lamp and froze with his eyes wide and it looked like there was no one in there. It was very scary so I left. The police were called and he was arrested.

Then he took my truck that I own, but I was scared to say anything because he would come after me. So now I am going to get the law on that as well. He left with money ($700 and $500 that he hid in the home). I was crying and talked to a counselor and she explained about narcissists and he has done so much to me my memory; it is bad. She said my name and said I can hear the way you were talking that I was scared and she was very concerned also. There is a part in the brain that holds memory, but I have been in fight or flight mode and this affects me.

I still don't have my memory. But now he is gone, I will be getting help. I gave him everything. We could have been a great couple, but he is not able to feel sympathy, empathy, or even to care about me. Now I will have to get a divorce and stay away from him. I had to get a protection order and he has to wear a bracelet around his leg. He tries to make me worry about him. NOT. I was told it's not my fault if he dies for not taking his meds. So I’ve got to stop putting myself down and get myself back to what I used to be before I met him. I had friends and felt alive back then. Now I am going to start over.
12 years
by: Adrianna

I caught him talking to other girls, and he hit me and grabbed my throat really hard. Basically he was saying it's my fault for going in his phone. What do I do?
Does this sound like abuse?
by: Amy

We have been together almost 2 years; we would get in huge fights over nothing. I have a three year old daughter and I constantly think of her. What example I want to set. When we would argue, he would say I was a moron; a cu**; a dumb bit**, worthless piece of sh** a mistake. He would throw his ring, kick it around and everything. If I cried, he would tell me to cry in the other room.

We got in a massive fight about a week ago where all this happened again. I’ve told him to get help for months now; now he says he won’t go unless it is free. Now he is acting 180 degrees different, being super sweet; never even raising his voice, being almost passive. But after out last fight I have felt emotionally distant; lost and I don’t feel the same way towards him anymore. I’m not sure if this is an act or not. To be honest I’m so confused. I do everything with my daughter and he doesn’t lift a finger and I feel I do everything to make his life easier and I get no help. Any advice or does this sound like abuse?
My husband controls and abuses me
by: KendraM

My husband took over my life 3 years ago. He took away my car, my money, and my freedom. He mentally and verbally abuses me all the time. I'm not allowed to go anywhere or have friends and now I'm only allowed to eat when he tells me I'm allowed to. But yet he's allowed to do whatever he wants. He even goes out once a week at night and every Saturday at his friends.

I've been called every name in the book even the c word. He's told me how much he hates me and even sometimes tells me to get out of his house. But he knows I have nowhere to go cuz he took everything from me including all my freedom. He won't even give me money to go to the doctor. No matter what I asked him for, the answer is always no, or I don't give a f, or it's not my problem, or I don't care. That's all he ever tells me. I get it that he doesn't care, it's not his problem, and he hates me. I understand all that, but why do I have to keep living in hell. Why won't he let me go get a job so I can live out on my own and not have to go through this every day? I don't know how much longer I can deal with this. I'm starting to question if there is a God, because if there was a God, he won't let me go through this.
My abusive husband is now an abusive ex
by: Military Mom

My kid’s dad was in the army and so was I. We had 4 kids. He was very controlling about what I wore, who I spoke to, and how I dressed the girls. He openly had affairs and one female even put letters in our mail box for him. He used to go out every night, telling me if I could afford a baby sitter I could go too... No, he’d never let me. I joined the wives club and he stopped me from going. As he said, he heard about the women messing around with the guy who gave talks. I stuck it out for 17 years. I overworked full time ... yet his army discharge papers say only DEVOTED FAMILY MAN, nothing about his army record. Now 40 years on, 3 of my kids won’t even talk to me as their dad told them I had affairs and didn’t want them.
I stayed 30 years
by: CC

I did not want my husband to ever have those weekend custody agreements. Did not ever want her to be by herself with him. Due to his emotional abuse😌😌😌😌😌he even said that wasn’t his daughter. I never told her that. His father molested them.
Domestic Abuse
by: Cara

I wish I never met my husband. The moment I said "I do" I’ve been getting physically abused, verbally abused and so forth. Nothing I do is ever right. Nothing I say is ever OK. If I’m quiet I get hit, if I cry I get hit harder. There’s days I wish I can leave. Trust me I’ve tried, I tried leaving every time and I can’t seem to get away from this man.
The other perspective
by: Anonymous-Man

My partner of 9 years suddenly left me right before I was about to propose to her, because in her words I am abusive. In a similar way to how you describe.

I came from an extremely abusive family environment (physical, emotional, forced to become addicted to several drugs as a child by parents, etc.). I thought I had escaped that world but I was and am part of it and can never escape it.

I used to come home every day from work stressed out and afraid that if I was visibly stressed or sad, then my partner would be so abysmally unhappy, so I tried to hide stress. Except sometimes I couldn't keep the stress at bay, and it would boil over in me ranting about whatever had stressed me out for a while, up to half an hour sometimes. My partner would recoil and sink back and say nothing to me then, and I would always apologize and try to explain that I wasn't targeting this at her, but just couldn't control my emotions enough to not vent about how stressed I was sometimes.

When a few of my surviving relatives committed suicide in succession I was sent into a very deep depression for several years. I was suicidal myself and the stress of being around me when I was suicidal caused my partner to fail her second attempt at college and to become traumatized. After I got better I felt, and still feel, so guilty for hurting her with my pain and making her fail college.

Although I still experienced a lot of stress, and as mental health issues are (well were) rife in my family, I suspect a higher than average likelihood that I may be bipolar or borderline myself (mother was one and father the other), I still "exploded" with a verbal rant about work or politics or whatever outside thing was bothering me. Always followed by my coming to my senses and apologizing and feeling awful.

While depressed, there were a few incidents where I was deeply unpleasant to her: once I ranted about her father throwing away his privileged upbringing to do a menial job that he loved. I resented that he was born to rich enough parents who never worked in their lives and had thrown the fancy schooling and opportunities, that I desperately wanted, away. Another time I saw that she was unhappy was while we were having lunch, and feeling down and trying to not run out and throw myself in traffic that day, I just spent our lunch together looking at stupid stuff on my phone.

After my partner had been out of college for 2 years and had made zero effort to even start looking for a job, staying at home all day and leaving messes and dishes for me to clean up, staying up all night watching YouTube videos while I tried to sleep so I could be awake to go to work the next day, I started to get annoyed and worried that she wouldn't ever try to get a job. So one time after she yet again point-blank refused to talk to me about why she was unhappy at home, I snapped and asked her in a very angry and confrontational manner (I am a 6ft 3 220 lb. man vs. her being a 5ft 8" 120 lb. woman, so I understand that I could have been intimidating without wanting to be) if she wanted to even try, if she wanted to be a failure, why she didn't seem to want to work towards building a life with me, etc.

Recently, before she left, we went on a long planned date. However, I had some monumental deadlines to hit for the next morning and had a full blown panic attack that I didn't have enough time. This was the final straw for her, as she says she wasn't responsible for my deadlines and shouldn't suffer for things not her fault. I felt so bad for that because I just wanted to be able to support us and shouldn’t make her suffer for my own inability to get my job done.

This was the final straw for her and she suddenly left to go back and live with her parents on the other side of the country.

She claims there were lots if other incidents where I have been horrible to her, that she’s explained to me before but I have forgotten. This seems quite likely, as (before they killed themselves) my parents kept telling me of the horrible things I'd done or said years before and had forgotten. I so don't remember the specifics of what people say a lot. I usually forget times when I've been sad or angry or other negative emotions, so wouldn't remember being horrible to her years ago if I had.

In the months before she left, I kept telling her that I wouldn't ever have another bad day and be upset or stressed about something at work. I was trying so hard to get better at emotional control so I wouldn't upset and traumatize her by being stressed or upset myself. But it wasn't enough.

I still love her, but she resents me for taking so much of her life from her. I never intended to abuse her, I never wanted to. I just felt so overwhelmed and lost control and said things in a negative and forceful ranting way. I used to do it to myself when I was living alone.

I'm so sorry that I abused her without intending to. I'm so sorry that I couldn't get better and stop before she was traumatized too much and left.

I just wanted to comment here so you might have the perspective of the abuser and understand what might be going on.
Changes for self realization
by: Deciding to live for myself

The signs seem to be the same in all our cases. I'm now in protection mode and will be on guard. Have in the past seen it go wrong, but I will not relinquish the power over my life. The things have built over the 20 years I've spent with him. Most of all the idiotic head games. The disrespect and my stupidity in giving never-ending second chances. Never say never. I have, this day, decided to live for myself apart from the lunacy and will take the advice seen here to free myself. If he is at this point at the edge, I don't want to give up on 20 years of being together, but it's just not healthy for either of us to continue dueling forever. I know it'll hurt and I'm more than a bit afraid, but life with stability and peaceful existence is worth more than the promise of someday that never comes.
Gaslighter and Narcissist
by: Kaylee

I have been in my marriage for about 11 years and my husband is very much a gaslighter and Narcissist. I am terrified to spend money in fear of what he will say. He says things like "are you stupid" "you sit on your ass all day" of "you’re lazy". Mind you, I work in an office! He doesn’t get along with my kids whom he has fathered since they were very little. I tell him I love him and he says "okay" there is a lot more that has happened but I just want advice. How do I get away from this?
I feel stuck
by: TG

I told my husband I was done and left. My big mistake was I went back so the children could have reasonable access to school. He promised he would leave if I stayed in the house for the kids. He won’t leave. It is worse than ever. Police were called three times and they refused to come. Said it was a matter of life and death. We are scared! Legally I cannot keep the children out of the house unless police are involved which is why I had to come back. It is a complete nightmare. What type of people raise a person to be like this to harm their own young families?
I’m afraid and no one will listen.
Same here!
by: Shannon

Hello Ladies!! I kicked my soon to be ex-husband out after 16 years of emotional abuse! He never talked down to me, but there was just constant accusations of cheating that never happened. He was insecure beyond repair and he had endured emotional and physical abuse as a child of a very dysfunctional family!! Exactly the same story as the person whom was married for 7 years who wrote in!! Exactly same story it with added foreclosure. It caused our 16 year old severe anorexia, requiring several hospitalizations, all the while he destroys my RN career, and a job I had for 16 years.

He withholds money from us (like come on, she’s already starving herself) which put us out on the street. I was hacked online and they used my name to verbally assault many people, he called my entire family whom I haven’t spoken with for over 2 years!! (We were a very close family). I’ve been in jail 3 times for stopped payment on checks, warrants, and he even had drugs planted in my car (family dollar guy just got fired). He’s tracked our cell phones and he bought the oldest back into his home (which is the finest house on the river). All the while, my 15 year old and I are staying in an 800 square feet home that needs more work than it’s worth!! My 15 year old won’t see him unless I’m present, but today he insists that it’s me so he is forcing my daughter to go at 3 today! What?? He can’t just make her go to his house can he?

I need help. Financially and emotionally he has worn me down so far that I have psoriasis from head to toe. I’ve had to rely on him for survival purposes only, which makes me hate my family that much more!! Where are they? I needed them and don’t think I can forgive them for abandoning me!! If anyone could contact me via email bobshan00 (@) yahoo.com. I could use the support, encouragement, anything really!!! Thanks, much love Shannon
Please help me
by: PN

15 years of this and it's only getting worse. If you all only knew what I'm going through. Seriously it's completely unbelievable. I need help to get out before I do something I know I will regret. Please...
Threatened abuse
by: Brooklyn

I am 27 years old and I got married at 24. My husband has always had a temper. I hate drawing attention to myself, which is something my husband does the opposite of, when we have an argument. He would cuss at me in public in his loudest voice and everyone would turn and look. Recently he has threatened to hit me, or pour boiling water on me.

The only time he physically touched me was when we had an argument. He literally kicked me off the bed, yelled that he would hit me, and came around to where I was laying on the floor. I waited for the punches to come, as I buried my face on the bed and protected my head with my hands. He didn't hit me then or since.

But one of these days I fear he will. This morning he threatened to hit me again. I was angry at him about not paying the bills and I was cussing and berating him. He swore at me really loudly. I was so humiliated, I know the neighbors could hear it. He threatened to hit me and I got quiet.

Later he tried to stroke my hand, one of his forms of apology, and I slapped his hand. He got angry saying it's my fault for cussing at him in the first place. Now I'm imagining life without him, getting a divorce. We don't have kids because I don't want any, and mostly because he won't be a good father. He'd threaten the kids too. Is it my fault? Should I be subservient and not cuss at him at all when we have an argument?
Ready to Make a Move
by: Tormented Soul

Your story is the exact replica of my life as if you ripped it right out of my mental diary. I have left many times before and always came back. The abuse has never stopped and I believe it never will (after being with him for almost 12 years). I’m ready to make a move. I want a peaceful life for my children.
57 yrs. of marriage, abuse and alcohol
by: Sheryl

I want out too, BUT he wants the house. I never worked out of home and am the one who is physically well enough to keep it up and show it. What do I do to get it?
Thank You!
by: Brianna

You really helped me get into the mindset of someone going through something like this. It really helped my essay.
When the mask falls off
by: Vicky

DOCUMENT EVERYTHING! Take action to protect yourself by serving court papers FIRST and not waiting to see if the abuse will end or change. I’m battling a custody dispute over my 4 year old who has autism and the other parent denies it. He psychologically abused me in many ways along with trying to financially drain me, to then turning around and filing court papers like I alienated our child. These are the methods he used with his deceased ex of his first child from who he gained custody of because she was so-called "unfit".

I have no faith in family court as my child is expressing odd behaviors after returning from her father’s (she didn’t have these behaviors over the summer when I refused contact with him). If I had evidence of the abuse, I would have gotten restraining order and filed for full custody. Text messages - SAVE all of them! They are used in court, as several phones of mine were destroyed and the other party refused to give access to the texts. Therefore, what do I have to show except bad reactions of abuse which is reactive abuse to crazy-making and twisting and distorting facts to serve this man I share a child with.

Document behaviors, take pictures, reach out for help. Courts do not acknowledge emotional abuse and only are favoring the abuser to regain the control he craves. I’ve never encountered a situation like this and I will never be quiet or made out to be crazy in trying keep my child safe. Covert emotional abuse is not healthy. Physiologically abusing a good mother or parent is NOT something that should be left unseen. Most abusers will abuse their children; that’s part that needs addressing!
Financially Dependent / Can't Leave
by: Mandy M

Whenever I attempt to discuss anything not deemed to be "positive", my husband accuses me of "ragging on him." That becomes his justification to call me horrible names and he pretty regularly makes fun of me (Childhood epilepsy left me with a word retrieval problem which he regularly exploits). I'm constantly scared I'll misspeak or text something wrong and will be ridiculed. When we fight, he disappears for hours. I thought he was sleeping to escape. Turns out he was drinking and passing out. I’m raising a disabled child and not working, so I can't leave.
Love
by: RQ

I’ve been through tremendous tragedies in my life.. This is a gift from God also giving you strength to finally get away from it. ❤️🙏
Abuse
by: maria

Your husband is an extreme Narcissist. I stood by my husband for 30 years. He alienated me from my kids. My youngest is 22 and I left when he was 10. My husband would come to see me and he called my son a backstabber. Everyone looks at him as the good guy and I'm the crazy one. I'm so isolated and broken. But I finally had enough. He stole everything and I had a substantial amount. My husband is a Malignant Anti-social Narcissist. I've spent 12 years educating myself. I'm happy for you. Do you co-parent with him?
You can leave
by: Sky

Leave him. Take the time while he is at work. Go get a job to start making you money for yourself. You have a right. You can get some counseling on your phone. Call the abuse number they will help you to leave him. Don't stay for the sake of your kids. You do not want them in that environment. You do not want them picking up the bad habits of someone abusing you. It is wrong. You have a right to be loved and respected.
Free yourself from the past
by: Tess

I'm surrounded by good, kind, and loving family friends every day. It's the blessing from God that heals. The worst is not the person, but what's left behind from the exposure. Remember, it's not you.... it's the exposure that you have to heal from. PTSD is something one is able to control. I'm not talking about control of the memories... I'm talking about what you choose to surround yourself with. For me, the word and works of the Lord. Christ taught us not to fear and to persevere. I have to remind myself in every moment because, all I can do is do the one thing that makes me feel good about myself: love, be kind to people, purify heart, mind, and soul.

And the most important thing to remind yourself is that you don’t have to fear or ignore the past… ALWAYS proving to yourself your kindness, good heart, and loving spirit to others FIRST before yourself. And above all, get rid of any hate for the one that hurt you so much. Because it hurts you more and corrupts the good character in you.

It's so relieving to hear myself putting words to my feelings, reminding me that the loved ones in my present, past, and future will never be like the one who hurt me. The only thing that would hurt them is your fear and avoidance of them because of yourself. So yes, love, be kind, be upright holy and righteous through the Words of our Almighty God in heart mind in soul in everything you do because it slowly teaches one to replace the past.

To those recently escaping, don't worry. It's okay to breakdown and not know who you are anymore. The time will come when you will be able to look back and Thank God because He was always with you. :)
20 years old & been with this man since i was 17
by: Debra

When I start seeing him, he was the best guy that I could ever be with. I would always see red flags but I just didn't know what all of this was about. Right now it's 2:11 AM; I called him P**** because he hits women and he hit me twice in the face and spit on my face. Honestly, I don't know how you get out. I don't want to love him or feel anything about him, but is really hard and I don't know how to start. I feel like right now he's sleeping and I just want to beat the f outta him for everything he has done to me. Need help.
He is out of control
by: Hurt

I have been with my man for 3 years now and there are days he is nice to me and days when he is a raging lunatic and I can not take it anymore. He hit me in front of his mother on a holiday (it was Thanksgiving). I think he has bipolar bad. They try to help him, but it does no good to help him. He is out of control and I can not take it anymore. What do I do? He needs help!
I am so sorry
by: Katheryn C

Hello,

I’ve been looking for help, any help with dealing with the grief of having been falsely accused of abuse and the loss of my marriage and children in the fallout.

Google brought me here and so I’ve read this article and so many of your comments. This is precious little comfort to anyone who has posted here, but I am so very sorry for the terror you’ve gone through. No one should be abused. Seeing that it has been done, and is being done to so many of you, I am so sorry that supposed men are using the strength God gave them to harm you. It makes me sick that the one person who had bet on to trust with your life has broken that vow so utterly.

I’m so sorry.
I can't tell anyone!
by: Amber

I have told his family and they know he left me. Shame on me for telling them because they laughed at me. I never hurt them, yet they stole my inner peace. He’s a good man, but he treated me mean. How could he be so mean? And I was doing my best.
Still stuck in marriage
by: Felicia

For 25 years and counting, I’ve been married to an alcoholic. I don't have a job and we own our house that he does not want to sell. So what do I do and where do I go? I don't want him telling people I abandoned my marriage and I end up with nothing.
Again
by: Brigette

Again, after I made a post on here an hour ago, he came home and kicked me in the leg as hard as he could and laughed. I'm the 39-year old whose family is with her mom and brother. My husband still will scream at the top of his lungs especially when the kitchen window is wide open. He feels the neighbors need to know how bad I am at cleaning to his standards. If the laundry isn't folded, it has to be washed again... He doesn't pay water or electricity... only for his motorcycle and car... his sorry ass is laying here snoring... I wish I could leave him right now.
My parents don't care
by: Brigette

I'm 39 and I've been with my husband since I was 19. At 22, he felt I owed him a lot of money for items he bought through that year so he forced me into basically prostitution. Now he just screams at me daily and calls me names and tells me how worthless I am. Even though we live with my mom and brother... they hear the abuse and do nothing to help me.
Yikes.
by: JM

Honestly, one of the first sentences one poster wrote is that no physical wound could amount to the wounds caused by verbal and emotional damage. If you weren't PHYSICALLY ABUSED then you have NO IDEA what that truly feels like or what you’re talking about. A constant nightmare playing over and over in your mind all hours of the day. A constant video of you being strangled, praying they would let go before you die. There is no emotional damage that is greater than physical damage. It is all damage on the same level. My boyfriend calls me trash but I know I’m not. But guess what. I can’t eat today because he crushed my jaw so hard that I can’t chew. How dare you say that your emotional and verbal abuse is far greater than physical abuse? It is all categorized as abuse!!!! Point blank period.
18 years
by: Charlena

I am preparing to either leave or try and have him removed. I have also felt all that you did. Physical as well. I've gone through the shelter system. Every day he tells me I am a fat, lazy, ugly wh***, and I should kill myself. At least 3 x a day. He also asked for a divorce, but will only move when I pay to file. He uses my accounts, has apps on my phone. Tells people I am crazy and poisoning his food. I'm trying to leave. I have no job, no money, nowhere to go.
To: "Need to get out"
by: Sandy

I have walked in your shoes over the years. I moved on. In your case, maybe getting someone into your home to help, whether it's a social worker, anyone that can help your situation. Sounds like this man needs to be set 'back on track'. He's taking it out on you, what's happening to him. If he's miserable, he wants you miserable. I wouldn't be quiet about it, even if it means an entire family meeting to get this man to realize, he better get his act together or he's on his own, with you walking out and not looking back. Sounds like time for a reality check. Stop being nice to him and be the assertive one. Doesn't sound like you have much choice at this point if there is abuse. Hope this advice helps.
Need to get out
by: Maci

I so wish that I could just leave. I have a great job and a supportive family in town. No one knows that sometimes when I go home, I'm up all night being yelled at. Or sometimes when I cancel plans, it's because he just punched a hole in our wall.

I've had trashed dumped on my head, been spat on, restrained, sat on, shoved, choked, hair pulled, told to go tell my family I'm a c*nt, forced to take so much time off of work, forced to come up with my own apologies, which are essential punishments for ruining his day with my stupidity. Destroy my own artwork, clean the entire house, stay up all night, do 400 push-ups... it goes on and on.

Apparently, I'm stupid. Apparently, I don't act like a normal human being, I don't listen, I don't pay attention, I'm disrespectful, I don't respond fast enough, or I'm not happy enough.

I want to run and never look back, but my entire family is in town and I am worried about their safety and don't want to leave them and my career.

He's also disabled. Did I mention I'm the only one who works and takes care of everything, even replying back to his text messages for him? He has no income, undiagnosed disability, no job, and is unable to take care of himself. My choice is literally to leave him to die... which is becoming very tempting after 13 years.
Filed for a separation
by: Fed up

I was reading all of your thoughts. I am glad I did a google search because everything I have read is my experience. It’s been such a short time, but it feels like a lifetime.

I thank you for all of your stories. Yesterday, I filed for a legal separation after 4 years of marriage. I was fed up with the behavior of constantly being blamed as the problem with our marriage. I ask myself time and time again, how could I be the whole problem of your drinking, staying out all hours of the night, the dismissal of your affection because you're high and now that you come down I ain't sh** just because...

I never knew who I was going to meet at the door from day to day. Conversations were always a strain. He would always tell me that he will and can do what he wants when he wants, and what are you going to do about it, nothing. He would always tell me "yeah, I am going out and you don't need to know where I am going". As I would run behind him and ask why are you leaving this time of night, why are you doing this to our relationship? And he would reply, F You (because he felt I still was sh**)... still haven't figured that one out.

And he would leave the house any time of the night and come back in the morning like nothing is wrong and he still wants me to make love with him like he is my Romeo and I am his Juliet (yeah right). Figure that one out...

I hope my separation goes well because he’s saying he won't put up a fight, but I really don't need it. Just fed up and want him as far away from me. I don't even want to know where he's moving. Can't understand why this young man who has put me down, told me FU in front of family, shoved off on me in public, we had verbal and a few times had physical altercations. Why would you want to still stay in a toxic relationship? But reading your stories I know why? Because he is happy as long as I am miserable, broke, tired-looking, crying, and sad. No more, I am fed up :(
Financial abuse
by: Darlene

I've been married to my husband for 5 yrs. but we’ve been together for 8. I now see there were red flags all along. He was in an accident four years ago that left him a paraplegic. We separated a couple of years after that for 9 months because he was cheating, not physically but he was talking intimately to other women. I told him it was them or me. He left. He reached out to me and I went back. Now for a year, I have been paying over $3000 a month on OUR bills. He gets money but has been lying about where it was going. He said his account was frozen. Not true. What do I do!!
It took 41 yrs
by: Finally Free

It took 41 years... and I finally decided to leave.
I found my strength and left.
by: Leslie

For 28 years I lived on an emotional roller coaster. We had wonderful times and horrible times. I've lost me in those years by trying to be who he wanted me to be. I lived in my silent shell so to not upset his fragile ego. If I found the strength to speak up, it always ended with bruises or stitches. His criticism of me was a constant battle for me to try harder to please. I was prescribed Xanax to calm my anxiety of going home after work, just to keep my edge off of not knowing who my husband would be as I walked into my home. I found things to stay busy within my home to avoid any conversation with him because many times if I gave my input into his idea for sure it would escalate into a full-blown argument. I tried to leave the house many times, but unsuccessfully. I would be trapped in a corner or my phone would he grabbed from me so I could not call for help.

It took many years of violence and emotional abuse and before I decided to get out. He was also financially abusive. The last argument about something so not worthy of any kind of arguing was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I found my strength coming to my surface and I used it to leave. He was arrested for physical abuse and my divorce attorneys say my divorce should work more in my favor with the physical, emotional and financial abuse on the table. I haven't had enough time since I left 6 weeks ago to process my thoughts as of yet. I am still walking on his eggshells in my mind. I’m still doing things the way he made me do them. I'm still afraid to pull into my driveway. Will this ever end?
I couldn't deal with it anymore
by: I Had Enough

My husband always had an excuse for his disgusting behavior (he grew up in an abusive home and wasn't taught how to be a husband or father) same excuse for almost 20 years. He never bonded with our children or showed in any interest in them. But he seemed to know how to keep everyone walking on pins and needles around him, or how to financially withhold things such as medicines, copays for doctor apps, groceries, etc. when he was angry with me. He’ll call me nasty names, shove or grab me when I would attempt to walk away rather than argue, have limited contact with my family and definitely not have any friends because he would have tantrums over it. I could go on and on.

After numerous failed attempts at leaving, I had ENOUGH. No one deserves to treat someone this way. I got an order of protection for me and my children and filed for divorce. I beg for all you who think of doing this, but don't because you're afraid, to please explore these options before something tragic happens. When I say tragic that includes your health from the stress of living this way. I suffered a stroke at 39 years old and have numerous medical problems. It’s one of the scariest things I ever did and something I wished I was strong enough to do years ago. I absolutely hate him and shake when I see him in court, but the only comfort I have during that time is that I don't need to go home to him ever again. Best decision I ever made!
Not sure who I am anymore
by: Carol Ann

Been in a relationship with the same man for over 27 years. I stayed mainly for the kids. Now that they are grown I still find myself making excuses as to why I don’t leave. The truth is however, I’m just not as confident in my abilities to stay strong and be on my own. I’m not the same confident outgoing person I use to be. In fact, I don’t really know who I am anymore... I have every opportunity to leave him... a great job offer and a place to stay out of state until I get back on my feet

Why can’t I make myself leave?
Frightened of my husband
by: Taisha

My husband has had several affairs during our marriage for which he has shown no remorse. He is an unpredictable man who, if challenged, becomes physically violent. He has made me into a shadow of myself and destroyed my self-confidence while criticizing absolutely everything I do and say. Why am I still here? He will not sign anything to do with a divorce. I tried keeping him out of the house and he kicked the door in. I am ashamed of the way he has treated me and the heinous and coercive way that he has manipulated me. I cannot admit to anybody the dreadful way he has spoken to me. He has made me feel so useless and vulnerable. There are so many mean and spiteful things that he has done and there is always sadness behind every photo.
Why is it so difficult to leave?
by: Can't Save Him

Here I am at 3:52 am typing into this forum that I found as I researched for possible reasons (or justifications) of why my husband acts the way he does. I am in tears reading how I am far from being the only one, yet more than likely, I will not be the last one.

I have been married for about 6 years. I accept I am not perfect and have a past story before my marriage (7 years before meeting my husband to be exact). I met him being a single mother of a little girl at the time. Our marriage was not always as it is now. It changed when I was about 7 months pregnant (the fit body was no longer fit) and I caught my husband indulging in raunchy videos. I developed distrust issues, especially when he said he has struggled with this issue and since my body changed. He even said he was feeling attracted to many women at work (hospital setting), and at times even to some "hot patients" (I felt sick to my stomach). Being 7 months pregnant with his child, it made me feel unworthy (I cried, and felt so much pain for the first time in our marriage). I did not know how or if I should support him and help him overcome.

Oh, and I forgot to mention that when we got married, we moved to his hometown where I knew no one (completely isolated). So that added to how I was feeling. Long story short regarding that first issue in our marriage, he apologized and I forgave (cycle repeated itself throughout our marriage). Now, he is much more careful about leaving any trace behind when he's being deceitful. About 6 months ago I asked him if I could see his phone, as I had noticed for a while that he would set his phone on silent. I also noticed on multiple occasions that he would be on his phone when I would wake up in the middle of the night then turn off the screen immediately. And a few times he would even say I was dreaming and that he wasn't on it and that I was psycho and was hallucinating. (I foolishly would question myself at times, as he led me to believe for years that I was the problem and that I was stuck in the past)

He eventually allowed me to see his phone (as he has a password to unlock the screen). I found two apps (similar to Google Chrome). He had been searching for nasty images and videos on those apps. After a bad argument (typical) he denied what was evident. I was looking at the history of his searches while during our argument. He denied it and said I was a c*** and a bum and wanted me out of the house and to trust him that he will start cheating and talking to others and that I will never know. Many times when I would confront him with evidence of things he either said or did behind my back, he would lash out and go to the extreme of getting in my face. And in very demonic look, he would say to me that he would love to murder me, but he is not so stupid to lose his career and money over a "wh*re" like me. (BTW, I have never cheated, not even with my mind).

He later apologized and said he was very sorry for being so dysfunctional and that he didn't mean anything he said, and that he is very sorry for hurting me. He then would act very nice and attentive and even buy me my favorite, orchids. But, as many have mentioned, it was temporary and I have believed this on and off. The sad part is, I know it’s temporary. I feel so stuck.

I forgot to mention that last summer he graduated as a RAD-TECH. I was supposed to go into nursing but yielded when he got accepted into the Radiology program. I felt that he should go first, as he wanted to feel he was the provider and not feel that he depended on me. He promised me that when he was done with the program that I did not have to work and that I could then focus on my schooling. I still finished my Associate degree while he did the program. It was not a technical degree (Nursing) as I would've loved, but it was something. During the program, he only worked on and off 1-2 days a week (not often) while I took on the responsibility of all bills and expenses, as well as childcare for our youngest, and cleaning and cooking, etc. I even went to food pantries at times to make sure we had enough to eat. All so that he could focus and successfully pass the Radiology program.

2.5 years later, his promise, like all others before, has not been honored. We relocated due to job opportunities for him about 6 months ago. I had to quit my job and postpone my career goals again. My mother came in (does not live in the same state) to help with packing and unpacking. He said I did not have to work as he was making a lot more money now. He went from working 3-4 days a week every week, bringing in double the income than before the program. Now, he is hired at 4 different hospitals (per diem, meaning on call or he can pick up shifts if available) There are times he has worked 20 days straight. The kids and I don't have any family time with him (It’s always the girls and me). He then complains that he works so much and throws in my face that if it wasn't for him, the kids and I would be homeless. I brought everything into our marriage (furniture, new car, and even money in my savings) He had nothing to offer. Yet I married him and loved him. Now, EVERY single time he gets angry, he calls me a leech, a bum, useless, a cheater, and so many other condescending nasty words.

I realized a while ago this is unhealthy and that I am being abused. I will not deny that I have contributed in the past by cursing back at him. I will also say that I no longer do this, at least now it's rare. It's not that I respect him, I know within me that I can't respect someone who is abusive and neglects me and my kids. But... why am I feeling so darn stuck. What has happened to the independent woman that I was? Why am I believing at times that I am useless? Why do I feel so hurt and lost, yet don't have the strong mentality to just leave! I am hurting and I know my daughters are as well, especially my oldest. I never meant to let my daughter's down. I never thought I would consider divorce when I married my husband. Part of me feels that I have failed my daughter's by not being able to show a good and positive example of what a healthy marriage looks like.

I have started to apply for a job, unfortunately, my career goals will need to be placed on hold AGAIN. The only money my husband transfers into my account is money that is used towards the rent, and bills and groceries. He is responsible with that, I will not deny. But, all the other money goes to his accounts. I have sacrificed so much for this man. I still tell him I wish him well, even when I am no longer in his life. He tells me he wishes I find a man who beats me and does all that he did do so that he wouldn't lose his career.

When he is loving, it is wonderful. But when he is not, I feel like if hell existed, I am right in it, married to the devil himself. How can one love someone like this? I did not mention that his mother has been diagnosed with the multi-personality disorder, PTSD (molested as a child) and divorce (from my husbands' father), as well as Bi-polar. That lady hurt my husband and his siblings when he was only 3 years old, the abuse continued until her and his dad divorced (9 years after). I know a lot of his behavior is connected to that horrific childhood. But, I am suffering for what I did not do. I understand I cannot save him, but why can't I just give up on him?

It's 4:48 am now, I apologize if it doesn't make much sense (the order I have expressed things). I just needed to let this out as I have bottled this in for too long. I hope to get some feedback - I will check the next time I get a chance.

P.S. - I hope to find the courage to leave. This is consuming me. I need to let go or he may just hurt me.
This all sounds too familiar
by: Notes from Abuser

Let me be the first to say, that all of these stories all sound similar. And my story is no different.

I've been married to my wife for almost 8 years and have 2 beautiful children. It wasn't until recently that I awoke to my behavior. We reached critical mass recently where she presented her crisis moment, and let it all out about my behavior. This seemed to catch me off guard and was heart-wrenching to hear coming from the woman I loved.

But as she continued to describe what she had been going through and how long it had been going on, my heart sank. She spared no detail in describing the abuse. I would routinely give her the silent treatment, and then not want to talk about what was the issue. I had a pattern behavior of being demeaning, rude, and condescending. I was not at all aware of my behavior.

I knew in my heart that I wanted this to work, stay married, and fix what I had broken. I have apologized profusely and accepted responsibility for all of the hurt that I have caused. She is seeking distance and is still uncertain if she wants to remain in a situation that harbors so many hurtful memories. I am doing all that I can to fix everything. I know that this will take time to repair the damage. She describes it as the entire foundation of our marriage has been crumbled to pieces. I am determined to stay and have committed myself to fixing myself to be a better husband, a better father, and a better partner.

The distance she is seeking is the worst part of working on making "us" as a whole better. I get hot and cold moments nowadays. She will open up to me about things that she is passionate about (crafting & creating), and I can see that she genuinely cares about me and us. But then moments where she will not talk to me and doesn't want me anywhere near her. I am respectful of her space.

I have sought professional counseling to try and better understand my behavior and what I can do to make both myself better and make our relationship better.

I just wanted to comment that for all the men that have committed these heinous acts and destroyed lives, there are some (myself included), that are doing all that can be done to make the situation right. I would love more than anything to give my wife a huge hug and just cry into her shoulder for about an hour. Sadly, my hug moment will have to wait. When that time comes, I am not sure.
Men get abused too
by: Chris

I am a man who is facing the same thing. I am in love with a woman and unfortunately, I cheated on her. She took me back but abuses me every day. She tells me she wants me and can’t leave me, but she won’t allow me to talk to my parents or friends. She even checks my phone and keeps it in her pocket. I have made all the concessions she asked for, but she still isn’t able to forgive me after 9 months.
We’ve been together for 6 years and now she wants to get married. But the abuse hasn’t stopped. Every day she’ll kick me, slap me, or hit me. I just wanted to ask how we honestly tell someone it’s not going to work... I’m thinking about running away from the house (she has already made suicidal threats).
I hate him!
by: DK

It's been 28 years for me. Make no mistake about it, this will kill you in the end. Think about how many times you've been physically ill during the relationship; that's no coincidence, the body keeps the score.

I was stupid enough to believe that if I just tried harder things would change. They never do because this isn't about love, it's about control. They're very easy to feel sorry for too. It can take years just to realize that this has nothing to do with trying harder. Each time you do, they change the rules and you'll never know how to play this game. You're not crazy, but that's how it can look. They are so very good at putting on an act that sometimes nobody would believe you anyway, even if you tried to tell them what was going on.

Everything they say to you that is negative is just a projection of themselves. Also, they're not jerks all the time, if they were we would have left years ago. It runs in predictable cycles and wow are they predictable!! They seem to use the same tactics. If you wrote about yours and I wrote about mine it would probably be identical.

I don't know if he's a narcissist or a psychopath or both, but I hate him, I hate him for all the broken promises and I hate him for what he's done to me and our son. He's happily brainwashed our son into believing that I'm the abuser even though he knows exactly what his father is. The desire of a son for his father's approval no matter what, a father who's treated him like he's never been good enough, well, it's tragic and it breaks my heart. I feel like a terrible mother and I've let him down by not leaving when he was young, but I didn't know what this was then.

He doesn't abuse alone, he had help from his mother and brother. His flying monkeys. They know what he is, a bully. But they cover for him, and when I tried to ask for help (usually bruised too), they would tell me that it was my bad attitude that caused it all. It makes me feel sick. If he died tomorrow I would feel nothing at all.
17 years and still on the same rollercoaster
by: Feeling like I'm crazy

Our relationship was bad from the start. He was 9 years older than me. He had just gone through a divorce when we met and painted a "woe is me… she cheated" picture. I assumed because he had physical custody of his child that it must be true, but never considered his abusive nature being a large cause of her straying until the truth came out later and his true colors began to show.

He could make me feel so protected, loved, & adored one minute and like total garbage not worth anything the next. Unfortunately, I was naive enough to give him the power. He would work in spurts of belittling me to everyone (even my own family) which then would create resentment towards him by them. They tried to convince me not to stay with him. I even filed for divorce once and my grandparents paid the attorney after my aunt came to our home and saw how many things he destroyed as well as the marks left on me. That should've been enough to make me go but it wasn't.

His oldest child now has nothing to do with him and our child is a teen seeing this mess play out over and over. It makes me sick to my stomach, I feel like such a failure as a mother. He's the only reason I haven't taken my own life. I feel like I've lost myself in his madness. I go up and down with my weight and suffer from migraines all the time. He uses it against me if I can't function and stay in the bed too long.

I have worked all my life and during our marriage and he still accuses me of riding his coattails. Yet I raised our kids, while going to school, working and supporting him during his time in school. Not to mention he was in the military, so while he was away I did most everything without him. Btw those were some of the most memorable times with our children because he wasn't there to throw a tantrum and ruin it.

I stupidly gave up a secure paying job a few years ago to move across the country with him to build our dream home. It's been some dream all right! Brand new house has holes in the walls already from him throwing furniture and door frames busted from kicking in and I've got the worse paying part-time job I've ever had with so much debt I can't even see a way out!

So let my story be a warning for anyone thinking of giving in to their abuser to do things their way. If you give up your independence and security, that you alone can provide, it will cost you and your children dearly! Get out while you’re able to and don't think things will get better. I did over & over and it would get better for maybe 3 or 6 months, then it would start again. My husband even went as far as to check himself in the psych ward after he knocked me out, leaving me on the floor for my child to find along with the home destroyed. He still found a way to make it my fault that he was diagnosed with bipolar and had to take meds after that. Yet I have to say he was much easier to be around when he was on the meds until he decided he didn't need them.

Don't let your life pass you by, by giving someone the power to destroy it.
Getting there...
by: Allison

I’m in an abusive relationship and haven’t found the strength to leave. I needed to hear your words tonight. Thank you.
14 years of abuse...and I finally said goodbye
by: R

I was a single Mom who was focused on my family and my business. I hadn't dated since my divorce years earlier, choosing to remain single and heal from that relationship. When M came along, it was instant passion and I fell head over heels in love. There were warning signs from the very beginning: I found a receipt in the kitchen drawer for nearly $200 that he had spent at a local strip club a month before we began dating. I nearly left then but didn't. I chose to believe his excuse and so I stayed, he begged me not to leave.

He had a violent temper and flipped over a very heavy oak coffee table when we had a simple disagreement, it was designed to frighten me and get me to shut up. He had me hide my car in his driveway because the mother of his children (aka friend with benefits, I recently discovered) would see my car and ask questions and get jealous. I found thousands of nasty images on our shared computer and he blamed it on his 13-year-old daughter. I wanted to believe him so I stayed. He was and is, a sex addict.

Throughout the 14 years he verbally, financially and emotionally abused me...my daughter witnessed this and so I allowed her to suffer too. The fact that I exposed her to this shames me, I deeply regret that she grew up seeing this.

M was charming and funny to our friends and family, and he was Jekyll & Hyde at home. The oddest things would set him off and then the screaming would begin, and the breaking of objects, holes punched in the wall. He never hit me with his hands but he always made me afraid. He never saw it as abuse. He would say, "I didn't hit you so it's not abuse." I developed PTSD from his angry violent outbursts that were absolutely unpredictable. After years of this, I learned that if I would remain calm while he was screaming and calling me vile names that he would eventually drink himself to sleep and it would be quiet again. If I, unfortunately, chose to participate and argue with him, it only made matters worse.

M was very abused and neglected as a child. His mother knocked out his teeth when he was 12 years old. He himself abused his own children too. He told me that he "apologized to them" and that he isn't that angry man any longer. That was not true. He was still a violent angry controlling abusive man, he just changed who his victims were when he married me.

He was financially controlling. One time I bought a new dish drainer with my own money and he became enraged because I didn't allow him to "have a say as to what comes into our house", he wanted to pick out the dish drainer. I was at Costco one time and wanted to buy new drinking glasses (with my own money), and I knew that if I brought them home without his "permission" that I would "get in trouble"...I sent him a text with a photo of the glasses and he said to wait, that he wanted to help choose new drinking glasses. And he did, he ordered the glasses on Amazon he liked.

I became very ill during this abusive relationship, gaining weight from thyroid disease and becoming very depressed and felt physically sick. I feel that because I suppressed my own truth and stayed in an abusive relationship where I was unloved and traumatized contributed to this disease.

Late this last year I finally told him that I wanted a divorce. I had mentioned it before but had never taken action, I was torn. Looking back, I now see that I wanted to fix him and make all of my friends who predicted doom in our relationship to see that I could make it work. Of course, you cannot fix another person and you certainly cannot fix an abusive violent alcoholic. He briefly would quit drinking for several months, but his anger and abuse was still there. My counselor was convinced that he had a mood disorder based on the incidents I described to her.

After 14 years of trauma and pain, I am finally filing for divorce. I haven't seen him for nearly 6 months and never want to see him again. I have chosen to love myself and to heal and blossom even. I deserve wholeness and love. Whatever was inside of me that accepted abuse needs healing, I am working on that every single day. If someone were to tell me years ago that I would accept abuse and stay with someone who cheated on me, abused me and tried to control me...I wouldn't have believed it. Abuse can begin in a subtle way and we often want to quickly forgive and make peace when we should just leave.

While I wished that I had been stronger and left when I first saw red flags (p*rn addiction, lying, alcoholism, anger, controlling personality, abuse), I didn't. Fourteen years later I am finally moving on. I now choose to practice self-love and patience as I heal from that part of my life. I'm grateful for this time in life and hopeful that I will be stronger and more vibrant than I have ever been.

Peace,

R.
I HAD TO SAVE ME
by: NL

It was magical at first. And then I fell off the pedestal after the struggles with my adult sons, my weight and marriage. After enduring bouts of emotional and verbal attacks for years and silent treatment with never ever seeing what part he ever played in any situation and telling me he was miserable, I finally told him that I would leave. Well, I bought a house and now I am being treated like he is the victim and being really treated with abuse even more now. I just want my life back with peace and joy and to heal from the years of abuse I have withstood trying to jump through his hoops and as he always said, not on the same page, his page. For the women and men who are living with this cycle of abuse, run get out, it will never change. Do not wait for years thinking that it will get better. It doesn't..!!! You will continue to become sicker than the abuser. ❤
Congratulations! Embrace the freedom of being you
by: Lost me

Your story for 7 years. I'm still here after 22 years. You left 3 times, I left like 30 times. I don’t know if I’m so dumb or he’s just a despicable narcissist.
He Abandoned Me
by: Anonymous

I wouldn't have done it myself. When I first met him, he told me to change my hairstyle - from natural to permed hair. He even told me that I was fat (I was only 120 pounds at the time). It got worse as the years passed by. I was young and naive and we got married one month after meeting. I thought it was a love story made in heaven. I saw the red flags but ignored them. He blamed everyone but himself for his failures.

I was in the kitchen once preparing dinner and he came in and yelled at me stating that the kitchen was dirty. He came so close to my face and yelled that the kitchen shouldn’t be dirty. He punched my chin. I thought he was Christian but he cursed me. "Stop acting like a b---." I said, why did you call me that? He said "b--" and "acting like a b---" are two different things. It was hurtful.

He never contributed to household chores like taking out the garbage. He would complain that his shoulders hurt and complain that I was nagging him. He never appreciated the gifts I gave him and demanded the cost to be in the thousands... when I asked him to help with grocery and laundry expenses he would say his credit card bills are due. He withheld intimacy. When I hugged him, he would flinch. He disrespected me by watching p-rn and told me if I didn't like it, I should go to the next room.

I thought the relationship would get better as the years went by but it got worse... He abandoned me three days before Christmas. While I was at work, he moved all of his belongings out of the apartment. I later learned that this was narcissistic abuse and I was experiencing the discard phase.

For all who are reading this, RUN the OPPOSITE direction if you ever sense in your spirit that something is off. You will save yourself much heartbreak! I wasted 7-8 years of my life, money... I helped pay his school fees. There was one time I wanted to return to school but he said both of us couldn’t go back at the same time. He disappeared on Saturdays all day. My eyes should have opened. I am so grateful that he "abandoned" me because I wouldn’t have left. I was so attached to him it was like an addiction. I am asking all of you to send positive thoughts my way as I embark on a life without him. It’s been really hard but I know I can make it with God's help...
Happens to men too
by: Brandon

I'm a man with an abusive wife. I'm not sure why she abuses me. She has extreme resentment of me for things I have no control over. The long silent treatments and withheld affection, months of it. The belittling comments. The passive aggressiveness. If she gets angry enough, she hits me and throws things at me. I've become adept at seeing those states and getting out of the way.

She controls me and isolates me. I have friends which are her friend, not really mine. She got me on her side against my mom for things she told me mom did. I'm not sure any of it true. She controls the finances by manipulating my fiscal buttons. She'll spend and spend and I sacrifice and sacrifice. I have to pay the bills somehow. So I don't buy myself anything. She buys me things though.

She searches my car, my phone, my computer. Keeps tabs on me through her friends. Gives me time limits. It should take 20 minutes to go to the store and back and if I'm not back in 20 minutes I get interrogated. I can't be myself around her. She ridicules my religious beliefs. She abuses me in front of friends and family. I just shut down.

We have fights where I don't even know what she's getting mad about. I just look for something I might have missed or not done. It got so bad I saw a therapist at an abuse outreach program. They just recently started taking men in the last 3 years. I was a mess. My wife had me convinced work stress was my problem and I had to take stress leave, maybe never even going back to work. I told the therapist about that and all the other things.

My wife found the therapist’s business card in my car (she searches regularly I've realized). I was stupid to leave it there. She freaked out and interrogated me for 10 hours about what I told the therapist. She had me so scared; she's threatened me in past and has physically assaulted me. I made an excuse about needing to sleep in the basement. I needed the darkness as I have to have good sleep. It would only be one night. I was so tired. I barricaded myself in the room out of fear. I pretended nothing was wrong; that I had good sleep.

When I went to work I told my boss what was going on and went to the house while she was at work. I packed as much I could in an hour and left. My teenage daughter was there. She never asked what I was doing. When I went to leave she gave me the biggest hug ever. She didn't even tell her mom about what I was doing. I feel she knew why I was leaving. I didn't have to tell her. I’ve been out 5 days now. The hardest thing I've ever had to do. I still love my wife so much. I just can't stay for my own health and I can't stay for fear of teaching my kids to accept abuse or to dish it out. I left her with the house. I paid all the bills from my paycheck, leaving me with very little. I'm sad; it's grieving the end of an 18-year relationship.
Finally... It‘s over and done.
by: No more Monet

It has been over and done for a year now, but I still harbor some fear of some sort of retribution or him showing up.

We were together for four years; the last 3 and 3/4 were really bad. As in most cases he started off wonderful loving and caring. About 3 months into it he began his control. He researched me and scrounged up a bad part of my past and began using this against me. It was my business and my past.

It was downhill after this. Constant control and demands and jealousy. When he treated me like trash and screamed and cussed me, he would say I did something to him and he was hurting. What a super drama king. I was always taking care of him and his needs first. Then he would say I treated him like dirt.

I was the sole financial supporter. He would say thanks, but he got so used to it. In the beginning, he told me of all the betrayal by others to him. He demonized everyone around him. Now seeing how much I did for him, I believe the others that he demonized probably also treated him like the emperor of the world.

We fought so often I hardly remember anything good after the first 3 months. After about another year of extreme fighting (if it were an Olympic sport I would won the gold) I started to throw him out: break up. He did move out but kept coming back. He needed a place to stay for something he had to do near me and he needed one. After one horrible fight, I out flat told him I wanted to break up. Calmly he said "Oh You want to break up?" He would not accept it.

Finally something happened to me and I told him I could not keep doing this. I was broke. No more Monet. That did it. He blocked me on FB. I blocked him on FB and on my phone. He tried again to contact me a couple of times. I would not respond.

I do not think I could ever get in another relationship as I do not have this sort of trust. This is sad that someone tries to destroy so much of another human for their pleasure. No it is sick. It is evil. I have found out that are lots of services to help us. Wish I would have never met him. I pray a lot and go to church a lot.

I forgive him only for me. Not him. He will never see that he did anything wrong. He feels as though he is the injured party He will never admit that he was and is wrong. But by working on this forgiveness of him, I am working on forgiveness for myself for being so taken in and used. I will never allow anyone else to control me like this. Love should be mutual and caring and self-sacrifice should be mutual.
My thoughts are with you
by: Blueclover

Stay strong... prayers and thoughts. It’s not easy but I promise you it will be worth it. They never change....


— the original poster
30 yrs On 7/16
by: BB

Remember, silence is not golden in this instance. I too have left many times and was told it will never happen again. I have had my property destroyed. I have had food thrown on me. I have been spit on numerous times. I have had clothes ripped off of me. I have been shoved, detained from leaving. I must say the verbal abuse and walking on eggshells has taken its toll. I have finally said no more and I told him I was leaving. He discredited my thoughts as usual. I got a protective order and he is to leave. It’s only been a few days and I am terrified and feel terrible. I hope this feeling of despair goes away quickly so I can move on. Say a prayer for me and hope I have not waited too long.
I hate my narcissistic sociopath ex
by: Loving abused ex-wife

I never hated anyone as much as I do this lying abusive herpes-ridden abuser. Hey, I just told the IRS where all your hidden overseas bank accounts are - and I gave them a list of all the properties you hid using your dopey girlfriend as a strawman during our divorce! Pretty clever to sell them back and forth to each other using fake names and shell companies! Too bad for you, though, that my accountant discovered the IRS forgeries you submitted during discovery to hide our marital assets. Hope you and the pathetic loser you’re with enjoy getting audited!

By the way, did you tell Dum Dum yet that you were messing around with your divorce attorney? I have your phone records in case she needs convincing. She’s so desperate to hang onto the only married guy she managed to snag that she probably won’t mind acquiring an STD or two anyway. P.S. Dummy...cheaters are gonna cheat, no matter how special YOU are, Snowflake!

By the way, Loser, your kids will hate you in the very near future when they realize what a lying abusive jerk you are to everyone around you. I won’t have to say a word. They’ll come to hate you just like everyone else in your life eventually does. They’ll especially appreciate the way you lied to them about everything and yeah, how execrably you treated their mother.

By the way, in court the other day, you were looking kinda yellow. Hep C maybe? Go easy on the drugs, midlife crisis man! Boy, it must be nice to have all that money you stole from our assets so that you can play the deadbeat in court while living in a million dollar home and paying to have all those OWIs expunged from court records in several states. Bet you didn’t know I knew about THOSE!

The medical marijuana business is a great way to launder your millions and hide it from the IRS, isn’t it? But remember the golden rule of a successful drug dealer - don’t get hooked on your own product.

Nice act, showing up in court three hours late with those stoner eyes too. Nice that your millions can pay off the judge as well as the attorneys so that the judge refuses to drug test you on the spot.

Oh, and autism is NOT another word for FETAL ALCOHOL SYNDROME. Imagine being so utterly SELFISH that you and your girlfriend couldn’t stop drinking and drugging for nine months to bring a healthy baby into the world. It’s not enough for you to damage ONE child - now you want to damage ours too.

The stress of hiding so many secrets and trying to stay under the court’s radar must be tremendously stressful. Maybe we’ll all get lucky and you’ll have a gripper or a massive stroke. Your choice-only please die soon so maybe your kids can still have a slim chance of not growing up damaged and messed in the head like you are.

The world and everyone around your malignant self will be better off without you.

Your loving abused ex-wife
Still suffering post relationship
by: Miranda

I left my husband after four years of abuse, both physical and emotional. I only left after he did permanent damage and I had to have surgery. There are times when I feel empowered and free, but there are also times when I feel so low, so deep in a hole of depression. Immediately after leaving him, I was determined to get my life back on track, I refused to skip a beat because of him, but I also feel that I haven't given myself the proper time to heal. I have difficulty sleeping and when I do finally sleep, I have nightmares. The amount of time I spend obsessing over thinking about potential conversations with him is alarming. I feel afraid and anxious all the time. I feel paranoid that he follows me and still tracks me. I feel guilty and broken
Good for you
by: Gabrielle

I am glad you feel so good about leaving the abusive relationship. Please pray for me to feel that way and feel good about myself again. I waited so long (36 plus years) because I truly love him so much and when he was good he was good to me. Please pray for me.
Should of listened to everyone !!!!
by: LF

I left him even though I never thought I was going to leave, and I feel so good now. Don’t wait too long, leave right away!!!
RE: Finally left after 30 years
by: Gabrielle

I am so sorry you are going through this. Memories of abuse are terrible and can make you feel so low. I have only been away three weeks... I don’t miss the verbal or physical abuse at all, but somehow I think of the good times, in which were getting to be far and few between. This is why I feel so dumb. Why did we waste 30 plus years and allow ourselves to be treated this way?

I like the phrase "I was quiet, but I wasn`t stupid". I will be praying for you and for your children to come back to you. So glad you have a good friend/ partner. Just keep your eyes focused on Jesus!
I finally left after 30 years
by: Karen

I took over 30 years of emotional abuse before I finally had the courage to leave my husband - In the end I felt that either I would drop dead or kill him during one of his rages - and neither of these was a very good option. It is now almost 3 years since I left but I just can't seem to get rid of the thoughts and memories of the horrific way he treated me, it carried on haunting me. I used to liken the inside of my head to a glass vase that he smashed up over and over and over, and I had to stick it perfectly back together and act as if it had never been broken in the first place after each abuse. He is a superb control freak and has turned my daughter, youngest son and his wife against me, they have completely cut me out of their lives while he now plays at being the perfect, caring dad and granddad. He has even stooped to visiting my elderly mum and stepdad who he could not stand the sight of whilst we were together - the sun shines out of him as far as they are concerned and I am just an emotional wreck who is in the wrong. I just don't know how I will get over this - he is still trying to control my life - thank God I have a wonderful caring new partner who is doing his best to support me through all this.
Feeling Dumb!
by: Gabrielle

I am one of those that has been married for 36 yrs. I have been accused of things for no reason on my part. I have found numerous things from my husband such as phone numbers, hotel receipts (that he claims were a friend of his), nasty pictures that he says were just bots, etc. There was even a letter that a female massage therapist left on my door when he wasn't home due to having to go and pick our son up at school sick and he missed his appointment with her in my home! I guess you could say I have been in denial, but that I just love him.

I left four years ago and he talked me back, with promises of calling a marriage counselor and seeking medical help (in which he did, being treated for anxiety). We did great... got busy in church, small groups, and slowly... Then he went off his medicine and went right back to accusing me, acting horribly...white truck, black truck, the police officer that got on his bumper one day... I have been there for him through so much, always with him, always with my children and this is what I get! My children have even gotten very upset with me because they have heard it their whole life and they know their mother very well. They are very supportive though and I praise God for them daily. Please!!!!!! If whoever may read this.... try to save your marriage, but don't let it go on for 20-30 yrs.

I am now looking a better job with insurance since he carried the insurance on me and am staying with my mom until I get me a home. I know that God is with me and will get me through this.
I hate myself
by: TO

I've been with my husband for nearly 15 years. I work a full time and a part time job, and I pay the mortgage which is well over $2300 a month. He gives me $300 a month on bills and pays half on the car insurance policies. He calls me names and I am starting to hate myself. I gained so much weight after having the kids and I can't stay focused enough to get the weight off. He has talked about me and my body. I tried to leave but I keep coming back because I feel so fat and ugly, I truly believe no one would want me. The other day he went shopping with my money and purchased household supplies. I was too tired to come help unload his car and he started calling me very nasty names in front of my children. He told me I was lazy and I was a horrible mother. He ran up the stairs and attacked me, I was punched in the head multiple times and he ripped my hair from my scalp. After, he told me it was all my fault because I should have come and got the stuff out of his car. I started crying and he said I am attention seeking. I want to leave him but I'm too afraid to go. I hate the way I feel, life is not that good right now.
You can do it!
by: j

After eight years, I got out. At first, he was my hero....saving me from a loveless marriage. HA! Started with off-handed rude comments, then went to screaming matches and then, finally, he broke my bones. That was it. We tried couples counseling, individual counseling, even my parents stepped in (they hated him, but supported my "love" - gag).

In the end, he left me as punishment (HA). Took a job 1k miles away, was nasty from afar, so I blocked him.

Eight months later, I have never, ever been happier. Yes, in that time things happened, my dad died, I met a man and entered a LDR that is up in the air, etc. This a**hole from the past would TRY to contact me under the guise of being concerned with how I was handling my father's death and within seconds turned it into a "woe is me" session about himself. I gave up on him, despite him telling me he wrote me off months earlier. The back tracking and double talking was laughable. Many scoffed that I actually talked to him after 8 months, but it was just the icing on the cake to remind me that he will never be happy and he's not worth my time.

I only feel sorry for the next victim. And his mother. She's one STUPID woman.
He won't leave
by: Maureen

Sadly I am one of those...21 years....I told him we were over last September, its now Feb and he hasn’t moved and isn’t even working. I have countless texts messages of the hot and cold banter and videos of him degrading me in front of our 13 year old daughter. I can’t leave, I am on disability and all my money is tied up in this place! But I can’t take this much longer, I am losing my will to fight@!
It’s so difficult
by: Never Enough

I have been married only for two years, I’ve known him for a total of 6 years. All the signs were there, I was just too naive and ignored them all. I have been emotionally abused from the start, but when we married it got even worse. There was no getting away. I’ve been nonstop trying to prove myself to him and it’s never enough. I’m talked down to and shouted at and behind closed doors the physical abuse occurs. I’ve been made to feel like I’m acting or behaving in ways that I really am not. It’s a constant confusing circle of not knowing who I am and fighting to know who I am. I was a confident independent strong woman before this relationship. I still have a little strength in me, which I hope I can conjure up to leave this man in the next few months. I’ve come through a lot and I hope that one day I can use this horrible experience to help others in the same situation. I hope women everywhere know that they can be stronger than the abuser. They can be without them and they can be happy. I wish any of you who have abused a fulfilled happy life with self-content and a high sense of self-worth.
Verbally abusive
by: Love isn’t supposed to hurt

When I first met my ex he was so charming, quiet and easy to talk too. A lot of family and friends had warned me that in his past relationships he was physically and emotionally abusive. When I asked him about this he claimed it wasn’t true and so I avoided everyone’s pleas. The biggest mistake I ever made was relocating to his city and moving in with him. The first day we moved in he was verbally abusive, yelling at me to cook his meal and clean up the house. For four years I was humiliated in public dozen of times when he yelled and argued with me. He went through my phone many times accusing me of cheating on him, yet he cheated on me with his ex’s. He always start fights with me in front of his nine year old daughter, and the worst was finding out he is drug addict using crack cocaine. He would disappear for two or three days, driving my car and returning home with no money. This man was very insecure and could never keep a job because he always failed a drug test or stayed high and never went to work. I went through four years of hell and stopped loving him this year. Then I started planning to escape from this verbally abusive relationship. My big break came when we went to work one morning. I quickly moved my things out the house and went to file a protective order against him. Ladies love yourself and get out a verbal abusive relationship quickly. It’s just like a violent relationship.
I'm done...
by: RM

Cannot do this anymore. Verbal abuse from an alcoholic is literally killing me. Nothing I do is ever good enough. I am losing my hair, have digestive problems, and heart issues... I need to go, but need help getting on my feet. I just need somebody to believe in me... HELP!!
Can I relate...
by: Stephanie S

After 27 years, several demands, manipulation, beat down, made to feel worthless pathetic and treated horribly and blamed for everything in front of our son... I don’t feel I can take anymore. Every day has been a struggle to prove my worth!?! I can be happier alone... but there are some catches. I thought I could hang on for our son, but it’s not helping him! I have lived like this before because my dad was alcoholic. My husband was the best until his dad passed, then he changed! He’s actually told me I’d never be enough! Got to make a change before it kills me!
No where to turn
by: Breaking Down

My ex and I spent 10 years together before we had our 2 sons. He was mildly controlling (red flag I ignored) before we had kids. At 40 I had my first son and 43 my second. I ending up leaving him and have had custody of my sons for 10 years now. The problem is he is worse now than before. I can barely take care of myself much less help my sons who are suffering anxiety, and my list of autoimmune diseases I fight daily and PTSD from his abuse. Now we are soon to lose the house I spent my life saving to build as he won’t pay the property taxes he promised to, or help me with the debt I had to create to feed my sons and care for them. I've made over 100 calls and no one helps. I can sit and ramble with the abused women’s hotline but I get no resources and he knows and laughs at my attempts to survive. My sons are constantly in a state of panic that soon they will end up living with him as we won't have a home. I can't find a pro bono attorney because in my state you are only allowed one per lifetime and I used one six years ago for our parenting plan- which was a bad one.

So where is the help? Every day I wake up panicked because it is one less day I feel enough energy to fight and drive around to search for any help. I feel like a gerbil in a wheel and nothing is working! He is always traveling the world, building his new mansions and is very wealthy with a team of snake lawyers and we are penniless! I need help! I've told everyone I know but they just say well good luck as they don't know what else to say. This is not right! The courts see him as a squeaky clean man. He is an award winning business man and nobody fights him and wins! HELP!

I see no real way to run as he will charge me with kidnapping and he has it in our parenting plan we must have permission for therapy. It's now a total of 27 years of dealing with him and I can't wake up without feeling panicked and my sons are nearly nonfunctional and have to get therapy! My 10 year old is now cussing at me and saying he would rather be dead than have a childhood like his!

I am terrified. Where does a woman like me go to be free? How can I live in a house that I can't sell because he is a con artist construction builder who placed a lien on my house for his workmanship and what he paid in back taxes 10 years ago? So if I sell the house and he takes all the money and we are still penniless and cannot leave the State without his written permission. I feel more trapped now than when we were together. Now we are eating from food pantries and my sons are sick all the time. I am spent from begging for help and I am so physically exhausted I can barely find my toothbrush or help my sons do homework and cook meals. I feel like I am having a private nervous breakdown and no one cares enough to say we can help you through this! I've poured my soul out to therapist and shelters and schools and yet my sons get marginalized! God, the system is so broken!

I can't see any hope and feel like he just wants me dead, but I live for my sons to be free of him. I can't do 9 more years of this, much less 9 more days! Is anyone out there! Or am I just going to end up in some mental hospital and lose it all! I want to be free and full of joy like before I met him! I was so happy and healthy at 30! Now at 52 he has sucked the life out of me and now my sons! What does he want? He won't take my calls now so I guess that's good. But he is playing the waiting game as he knows he laid the plan for our demise and is just waiting for the court to call him o pick up my sons as I lay in a fetal position in some hospital bed or just standing out in the streets!

WHAT DO I DO TO GET HELP? Somebody must know? Is there no laws that can protect us from him? Everyone says I need a great lawyer but they all want money! If I were I drug addict or alcoholic (of which I do neither) I would be dead by now. My sons feel no will to try anymore and are mad at me because I can't find us help. Someone here please God help us!
Confused
by: LG

I have been married for my husband for more than 5 years. He is a quiet, good looking and sweet person. I only learned about his abusive characteristics when we came here to the US 4 years ago. He was verbally and emotionally abusive to me, constantly telling me I have another man. Every time I go to work, he thinks I am seeing someone. Even when I got pregnant he kept telling me it’s not his child. I keep telling him I want to leave, but then he would say sorry and be sweet again. I’ve been through the cycle over and over again. I know I’m not in a healthy relationship but I even defended him. I am isolated from my friends and family, but I always tell them I am busy with my son so I cannot go to gatherings. I am not allowed to use makeup or wear shorts or go sleeveless. When my mom stayed with us for few months after I gave birth, she noticed the abuse, but I denied and defended him. Every time my mom brought the issue up I changed the topic and told her we just had a misunderstanding. He knows my social media passwords. He even get upset when I send money to my mom or sisters.

He went home to our country with my son to study and I am left here in the US. I felt so relieved and happy. The only thing is I miss my son but not my husband. I don’t feel any love anymore, it’s like I’m so tired of fighting every day, tired of always watching what to wear just not to start a fight. He hit me around 3-5 times in our 5 years of marriage. The first ones were not that bad, except for the last one where I saw a different person when he got angry. I got so scared because he kept hitting the iPad to my head but he apologized again. With this entire abuse I only told his sisters hoping they would talk to him. I asked him to undergo marriage counselling but he refused. When he left 3 months ago to study in another country I realized I missed the things I had been doing. I was able to reconnect with my cousins. My communication with him decreased, so he texted my relatives here that I don’t call my son and asked what I’m doing here. That’s the time I was forced to tell my aunt my situation. I told my siblings also but I don’t want my mom to worry about me. I want to divorce him but I’m confused. I know in my heart I don’t love him anymore but I pity him. His family had been so nice to me. And he has my son. He usually threatens me every time I tell him I want to leave that he will kill himself. Now he wants to come back as soon as possible. I need some advice. Thanks
Abusive partner
by: Dahlia

I have just left an abusive husband (after 14 years of hell) 6 days ago. I still feel rough, but I feel it's the best thing I have ever done. I got the courage to report him to police as he started to hurt my children again (he has done so in the past). I've had so much support from friends as I don't have family, but it's right in what you are saying an abuser never changes. And it's sad because my children now have the upset and are going to counselors to help them to get over what they have been through. My advice would be to surround yourself with people that do care and speak to someone. That’s what I did, I spoke to my doctor and it went from there. I just hope no one else gets to the point I did.
Abused wife
by: knocked down by words

I am the one that has stayed for 22 years. I am stuck and broken. I am co-dependent and always have been. I don't want that life anymore. Help
Thank you again
by: BlueClover ( The Original Poster)

I wrote the original post almost 5 years ago. Wow! I realize how sloppy I wrote the update, my apologies! I do want to clarify... I am no longer with this person I wrote about. It took almost 4 years after writing the original post to actually divorce the man and move away. We live a few states apart now. We are better friends because of the split, however, my greatest challenge now is to continue my healing recovery and learn how to become independent on my own. Like many on here, I do struggle with co dependencies (I rely on my parents) but I know like all things in life, this phase is temporary. Our experiences are temporary and like I mentioned earlier, these situations do take time, especially if you have children. It really does suck, there is no easy way, but do trust, there is a way.

Again, my heart goes to all of you. I get emotional and even 'triggered' reading the stories because I have been there, and thankfully these stories remind me that I need to keep going and keep fighting. Each time I get a "I miss you, we can make this work" text, I run the risk of going back to my abuser (I am being strong, I won’t) so I TOO have to stay strong. Every day, you have to stay strong.

My best wishes to you all. I believe in you and thank you for your feedback and stories, they remind me to keep going forward

BlueClover
Same experience here plus he is also a mama's boy
by: Serena

I am experiencing the same thing. The guy I’ve been married to can't leave his mom. There are a lot of ways his own mom could live on her own. I told him to look for a housemaid who could also take care of her, or he can look for a relative who can look after his mom. He said he cannot do it. There are many times he physically abused me. Many times. I got bruises on my legs and my arms. He would pin me on the bed and punch me in my stomach. I don’t know why I am still here. Just because of the fear that I will feel too much pain of leaving him.

His mom always tells him what he needs to do in his life. And his mom will tell me that I am the one who is always against her son's decisions, that's why our life doesn’t make any progress. His mom would scream if we forgot to do something, or gripe about household chores. I’m pretty sure I am doing my part as her daughter in law, but I am not a housemaid. We don’t have enough privacy; mom-in-law always asks for help and will come knocking on the door.

His mom always tells me about how she raised my husband, and it shows on her face that she thinks her son is adorable and naughty at times. She just makes fun about how her son not taking life seriously. They think life is all about laughing and not a serious matter. And blaming me because I am too deep and an over thinker. There are arguments about my past life that my husband used to tell to his mom. If we have an argument, his mom comes to the rescue and always tells me "let him to do what he wants to do. Let him play videogames." imagine. My husband is almost 30 years old. He can’t leave the playground.

I am trying to be more mature, but it is so stressful that my husband cannot remember the important things about being married. His mom wants to choose the best job for her son and I don’t have the right to decide and I don’t know why I let her intrude to our lives. His mom is a single mom. I understand that, but we are not made to be in her life forever. My husband keeps on insisting he cannot leave his mom because she is old. His mom is 57 years old. I don’t know what to do. I want to leave. I actually left 3 times but here I am again in their lonely house. I need a serious advice.
Reply for: Snap
by: Sandy

I had my children late in life. First born at 32 years old and second at 38 years old ... divorced when kids were young. My advice to you is spend as much time with your little ones as you can. I did just that ... single mom making it on my own. Now that I'm 59 years old, those two kids are my best friends ... always there when I need them. Best thing I ever did with my life is have those two. Don't give up on your kids. Men will come and go, mostly go, but your kids are your flesh and blood. Give them a chance . . . there is a bright side. Gotta just see it.
Snap
by: TT

Not going into detail as all you ladies have covered it for me. 4 years in and this situation even got physical at times. He talked me into having children and now I have one, with one on the way. He’s now walked out. I’m 7 months pregnant with nowhere to live and no income. Because he wants his freedom and can’t risk me losing my temper and lashing out at him! So it’s all my fault apparently.

Question is ladies, how can I let go of the hate I feel - I didn’t want children and now I resent them and I’m snappy with my 2 year old and not at all wanting to have this baby

He’s off doing his thing and I feel trapped and alone. Yet he’s still wanting a friendship and contacting me daily :(

Just wish I’d left before we had kids, it would have been easier. Now I’m at the bottom and still sinking and I hate him. I’ve never felt so much anger, rage, and hate in all my life :,(
A woman scorned
by: Angela

My husband of 1 1/2 years has been cheating on me, verbally and mentally abusing me. I have caught him at a hotel with a lady, he leaves me at home every other weekend and gets missing. He turns off is phone so that I can't contact him while he's away for 2 to 3 days at a time. Even though he put me through these things I cried every time and took him and he did it again. He makes me feel like I'm the bad one and I don't know what else to do. PLEASE HELP!!!
Afraid but can finally breathe
by: Michaela H

The abuser and I met 5 years ago. He was what all narcissistic abusers are; charming, humble, and we had so much in common (or so I thought). Fast forward to today. I have a son from this relationship who is diagnosed with autism and as if that was not the biggest hit to my heart, his mental, verbal, and financial abuse has been ongoing.

He finally left after a huge fight in which he called me every name in the book because to him I am the worst-case woman and a cheater (when I have NEVER cheated). I have taken so much abuse from him. He even had a child with another woman while living with me. This woman is more psychotic than he is, even chasing me off a road and buzzing on my apartment buzzer at all times of night.

Back to him leaving... he finally left but took hostage the vehicle (which the insurance and title are under my name) and refuses to sell it or return it. All because he must have some control to mess me up financially. Am I afraid? Yes. Will he mess up my credit further, forbidding me from paying bills on time or care for our son's autistic services? Yes. But the peace my heart feels without him on my back constantly belittling me is far more important than this vehicle or him not paying child support or even me having to listen to what a disgrace I as a woman. STAY STRONG ladies. Do not go back. Each time we go back, it will be worst! Believe in yourself! And if he is gone... just breathe.
*** It's me, the original poster ***
by: Blue Clover (original poster)

Wow, what a journey and I want to thank each and every one of you for speaking your truth and sharing your truth on this forum. I am overwhelmed with gratitude that you are able to open up and share.

I am now divorced and in a healing process. I am in good shape! I regret to inform you that after I wrote this post, I went back to my husband (now ex-husband). He promised again, to make real changes and get help. I let everyone down on this forum and responses and again went back to the abuse. It was good for a few months, but hold habits never die. We went back to old habits and my children suffered seeing their mother disrespected and degraded. It got to a point where I was screaming and yelling at him in public.

I want to remind you that it is a process. You will probably need a strong support advocate for you. Family is good. It takes time, but if you live your truth, you will be guided by your truth. Trust that a higher power will guide you too. Trust that no matter how terrible it feels to everyone and yourself, you must keep pushing forward. Come forward to the light.

This isn't to hate or disdain the person I was married to, I have come to a peaceful place that has humbled me and I see him as human who needs being. It is important that I needed to do my inner work and value myself. When you value and honor yourself, no one can touch you.

I wish you all the best, my heart is with you, I wish and hope the best for you all. Believe and know you deserve to be treated like the amazing human God has put you on this earth to me.
Nothing is easy but it can be done
by: I Left

I hate reading these post because it just saddens me. I left my ex after 15 years of what I "tried" to make good was never good. These men will NEVER change. They traumatize you because it's the only way they can keep getting their way. Keep you in fear or else you pay the price. What option is there to keep peace but to obey their crazy demands! That's why some of us are scared to leave. We have been programmed that this is the only way to keep it safe, so leaving would be the opposite and bring on the fear of who they are by leaving.

But let me share...once you leave you will go through a strange withdrawal. It will hit you that you are gone and he could XYZ!! Anything he has done to you before, you "think" he will do again. But guess what? He can't as long as you stay away!! He can't hurt you anymore physically if you stay away! He may scream, yell, threaten and try to hurt you emotionally, but guess what? As long as you don't engage (text, call, write emails, etc...) he will get tired of trying to get something when there is nothing there to get. If you have kids, work through the mediator until it's all finalized and then deal with him as little as necessary. If he says stuff that makes you angry, don’t' reply...he wants you to be angry, that's how he gets to you!! So don't respond.

To play tug-a-war you need 2 people to pull on the rope. If only 1 person pulls there is no war! So don't pull...just turn around and get started on making your new life....it will get better if he is out of it… I promise, but it will take time. There are tons of places a woman can go to get help. Group therapy for women of domestic violence. I highly recommend them. They are free and they are real because you won't be alone and it's freeing!! Don't be afraid...get some courage and start with even a call to a domestic violence hot line.

Good luck. I wish you all the best.
Finally got out
by: Savannah

I was in a relationship for 3 years, I've just recently gotten out. At first we was just friends. We worked together but I didn't see the signs that he was an obsessive and possessive man. He would show up at my house and he would say that he had to take me to work and everything. Then when I started dating him he was sweet. We would go out and go to the cinema and everything a cutesy couple would do. 6 months into the relationship is where it all changed. He was physically, emotionally, verbally, mentally and financially abusive. He would blame me that he had to work late and he'd blamed me that he lost his job. He'd hit me if things weren't done the way he wanted them to be done. He'd call me every name under the stars. He even manipulated me into thinking that I could not handle money on my own and that it would be best to give him my debit card and when I did, I never saw it hardly ever again. If I wanted to go out (which was rare and if I did I'd get calls and texts asking me where I am and when I'm coming home) he'd take money out of my account and hand it to me. He started using my money and I had to eventually take my card back, but that was only 2 weeks before I left. I've now left and he's constantly calling me or messaging me saying he's seeing a therapist and that he has changed and to give him another chance, and when I've say no he'll switch and call me every name under the sun. They will never change. Like the saying goes "a leopard never changes it spots"
Still Can't Forget
by: AM39

I left my ex-husband after an 18 year relationship and found a wonderful new life for which I am very happy. I never believed I could find the love I have now. I am still dogged by bad memories and the guilt I have for exposing my parents and siblings to his awful behavior and wish I could just get over it.
For: Missy
by: Deanna

I've been there Missy. Sounds the same as what I went through. Doubt he will commit suicide. They play you. If I were you, when he's at work or away, pack your stuff with your wad of money and disappear. Can't look back or go back. You'll regret it. If you do go back after experiencing guilt, the entire cycle will start over again. Do not let him know where you've gone to start your life over. You’re going to need new place to work, hang out, etc. Don't tell friends or relatives ... they will update him. Best keep things quiet until the dust settles and you move on. Get over him. If he stalks you, you'll have to call police. If you truly feel he's going to commit suicide, call suicide hotline for him as anonymous so he gets help. Don't blame yourself . . . hope this helps. You are going to have to depend on YOURSELF now. You can do it. I did it ... living happy days now.
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
by: Missy

I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years now. My family and friends adore him so much because of his friendly demeanor. He's a generous person, almost never saying NO to people whom he can help even if he doesn't have a penny left. During our 1st months in the relationship, I saw red flags. He would be so angry at me and leave me crying. At first, he would apologize for shouting at me and for hurting me. But as the years passed by, he's become unapologetic. He would always blame me for his failures- tardiness at work, lost items, etc. When I asked him why always put the blame on me, he would tell me that I'm the one available so why would he blame himself. Recently, he lost almost a thousand bucks to slot machine games and I didn't find out until the money was gone. I got so emotional about it and told him that he wasn't thinking of our future. He snapped at me and told me not to rub it in anymore since the money's gone. He would scream and scold me in public places such as restaurants or streets. He wouldn't apologize even if it's his fault. There's a recent incident when he raised his voice at me when I asked him about going home early. I told him not to raise his voice at me because I don't appreciate that. He lost it. He screamed at me and cussed at me multiple times. He said that I ruined his day and plans. He punched the door of the car. He was shivering in anger. I feared that he would hit me. He drove the car recklessly and told me that he just wanted to bump it so that his problems will end. He made me feel like it was my fault. I couldn't leave him even if I want to because I'm pretty sure he's got depression and he doesn't know how to get the money he's lost in the casino. I know that I don't deserve this. But I also don't know what I will do since he has suicidal tendencies. I'm the only support system he's got. But I feel like I will just tolerate his behavior of disrespecting me and cussing at me whenever he's mad. I don't know what to do anymore or what help I can extend to him. He's Dr. Jekyll in his normal days. But during his Mr. Hyde's day, the monster in him comes out. Please help me.
I wish I had your courage
by: 11 miserable years

This has been a go to site for me. I am 36 years old mother of two beautiful children. I live in sunny Miami Florida and I have a good job with the state. But with all that being said it still hasn’t stopped me from being emotionally, verbally, and mentally abused. I been with my abuser for 11 years. Of course at first it was wonderful, then the real person comes out. Now it has gotten worse, he is constantly accusing me of cheating, whether it’s at home or work. I mean who would stay with someone if you thought they are constantly cheating! And when I say he accusing me I mean it is every day. It will start as soon as I get to work. He would start by sending text after text calling me every name a miserable person would call someone. I save all the texts just in case he tries to hurt me or tries to take my life. And if you think I’m being dramatic… I have several texts right now from him stating he wants to kill me or shoot me. So I have sent all the texts to my storage so if that happened he could not get away with anything. I am so unhappy. I just want peace. I want things to stop but by the looks of it if I don’t do something it going to be 11 more years of this misery or 6 feet underground.
17 years ...
by: Gale

I have been living with my husband for 17 years and we have 2 kids together. He calls me names, hits me on the head and talks bad to me in front of the kids. He gets really mad at me for every little thing and it leaves me terrified. I can't tell him something broke, I’m afraid to give him a bill to pay, I’m afraid of him screaming, and the kids are afraid of "big scandals". I live in fear of him every day. I did leave him once after I found out he cheated on me with my babysitter. But I came back because he promised to change. He never did. He sometimes tells me he loves me, when he is drunk. I don't work now because of a back injury and I don't know how to live any longer.
I never knew he was evil.
by: Jamie

I don't want judgment or being told I'm an idiot because this is my story of emotional abuse. I met this great guy at a friend’s house. We talked and exchanged numbers that night. He called me and we talked for hours. We texted right after the hang up and we became friends very quick. I wasn't looking for a relationship because I was dumped twice and figured I'm going to stay single for a while and work on me.

We started to hangout and then we became a couple. I really liked him and he really liked me. I met his family and they loved me. Invited me to everything and called me their daughter. I guess they were happy. I spent Christmas with them and they got us tickets to our favorite show or a beautiful purse. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world.

The crush soon became love and he fell hard for me. He was always making me laugh and I thought he was my future husband. He was so cute, funny, nice, sweet, caring, genuine, and everything I wanted. I was wrong. I was swimming at his house when I bought this really cute bikini to wear around him. I thought he would like it. Nope he said I looked fat. I instantly cried and he apologized. I forgave him and he never mentioned it again. He said it was just a joke and it wasn't meant to be hurtful. I'm really skinny and maybe he's just jealous because I'm really confident. We continued being the perfect couple and we rarely argued.

Now he always picked fights with me. The scariest argument was when he was screaming, yelling, threatening and almost hit me! Yes almost hit me! I was crying so hard and hid in the bathroom. He ran after me and said he's sorry. He was having a bad day and blamed it on me. I looked and felt horrible. His parents, who I thought liked me, now hate me because of my religion. They always told me to date guys my religion and I felt really upset. I was always told I was fat, stupid, ugly, and worthless.

I always felt like hiding in an eggshell and felt horrible about myself. If my friends texted and called to see if we could hangout like get a bite to eat, he'd get so jealous and possessive. He'd read my messages and accuse me of cheating, which I never did! His parents would do the same thing! If I was out with friends and told him, he'd call like 100 times. He would always tell me I couldn't have friends or family. I have the world’s best job and if I was working 30 hours, he'd come to my job to see if I was actually doing my job. If I was talking to a cute customer, he'd get really ticked off.

I started to hate my smile so I got braces. He told me to never have them. I got a new haircut and he hated it. He would always tell me to lose weight because I'm not perfect, so what did I do? I starved myself! I lost weight but felt sick. Dizzy, nauseous, lightheaded, shaky, and heart was racing.

I didn't know what to do! I finally told my mom and she was shocked. I knew it wasn't a healthy relationship because I was always scared, always had trouble sleeping, shaking because of nerves, I was always pretending to be happy but deep down, I wasn't. I decided to end things but needed help. My mom helped me get out of it and she's been so supportive since. If it wasn't for her, I would still be with him. Ever since the breakup, I'm more confident, eating, sleeping a lot better, not scared and most importantly I am alive! I still have my job, friends and family. If I date again, I am going to make sure he's not going to be evil. I've gone on dates but haven't found anyone I want to be with.
I finally left
by: Deserve Better

Ours was an arranged marriage and right from day 1 his family tried their best to make me the villain in the situation. He seemed really nice and all I wanted was a decent guy I could have a family with but turns out he had a lot of unresolved issues with his family and I bore the brunt of all of it from both sides. I was ridiculed, humiliated and spied on constantly. The first time he grabbed my neck left me numb (emotionally). How could such a sweet person do this; then it happened again and again.

The 4th or 5th time it happened, I gave it back. He acted all contrite and understanding. Then began the worst revenge ever for giving it back to him. Constant abuse and public humiliation, alcohol would just add insult to injury and his family would witness everything and act as if nothing ever happened. They always said I must've provoked him, he said I talk too much, they always shielded him and when I would try and act normal they'd ask me to smile more. I don't remember a single day I didn't cry myself to sleep with him sleeping soundly right next to me. When I tried discussing his issues, he blamed me for everything. I tried to be the good wife and take it all quietly but he got more violent, I tried to reason but he became more stubborn.

2 weeks prior to leaving, I was up all night worried where he was. He’d been out drinking as usual; no calls, nothing. When asked why he didn't call he threw a hissy fit, we had a major showdown and I broke a few things in frustration because he kept on saying what he always does "get out of my house, marrying you was a mistake, my family hates you". I didn't put a gun to his head, his family never said a word and seemed happy till we got married. He kept on provoking me, handing me things to break like he does when he's drunk and the last 5 years just came crashing down.

He uploaded my pic along with pictures of the damage on Facebook. I could've done that every weekend that he threw a fit, I could've humiliated him; but all I ever did was love him and overlook all of his flaws and this is what I got. I just grabbed whatever I could and walked out. I couldn't take it anymore. We'd never been fully intimate. He avoided me like the plague and now I can't sleep or eat because I know he will get his revenge; I just don't know when, I just don't know how.

His family saw my bruises and ignored them, he broke my thumb once and tore my top in front of his parents as revenge for a t shirt of his (which I grabbed to stop him from locking me in the bedroom and it tore; to this day he says I did it intentionally). He poured water on me when we had company, threw salad in my face because I made it against his wishes. He kicked me, pushed me, shoved me and I kept hanging on hoping someday we will be happy if he just gets it out of his system. I was repeatedly humiliated and like a puppy dog I ran back to him at the slightest sign of affection thinking I'll never find anyone. But now, I'm too damaged too isolated to even care if I find someone.

I kept thinking I did something wrong and deserved every bit of it. But now that I'm out of that hell hole, I know I deserve better.
Nothing works
by: Candi

I'm in an abusive relationship and I have spoken out and asked for help. And no one cares. No one says anything to him or tries to help me.
8 Years and still here
by: MC

I read the first two paragraphs somewhere though I can’t remember where and added the last two myself hoping to find strength I think. To find a break in the constant hopelessness I feel. So here it is and then I’ll tell my story.

"Love doesn’t provoke you to sob in a corner. It doesn’t put a fist through your wall. It doesn’t desire to shatter any part of you — not your phone, your windows, your ambitions, your self-worth or any of your other relationships.

It has no desire to isolate you. It doesn’t hack into your email account. It doesn’t steal your keys for the purpose of forcing you to stay and endure further misery. It doesn’t mock you as you cry."
(Excerpt from https://www.huffpost.com/entry/post_b_8264894)

It doesn’t violate your privacy. It doesn’t stay up into the wee hours of the night scouring every shred of information on your computer. It doesn’t rummage through your drawers in search of a reason to incriminate you. It doesn’t spit in your face. It doesn’t slander your name or even threaten to. It doesn’t become high from its ability to intimidate or control you. It doesn’t provoke you to curl into a ball, and it doesn’t leave your heart on the floor.

It doesn’t threaten to take your children away, call you names, or make physical threats. It doesn’t make you uncomfortable or difficult to live each day with someone who seems determined to punish you at every turn. It doesn’t constantly place blame on you making it hard to keep your bearings. It does not break your self-worth down and make you feel hopeless.

It does not attack your integrity, make you feel crazy, or try to manipulate you. It does not take away your self-esteem, or make you change who you are. It is not one sided, it is not destructive and it is not toxic."

I knew my husband for almost 5 years prior to us dating, he was amazing and one of my closest friends; at least I thought so. I thought I knew this man, he had been upfront with me about his past. We had never talked about dating or being together before we ended our relationships and we were both single for almost a year before we stared to date. He led me to believe we could be different and I definitely ignored the warning signs that he was abusive. We both ended our relationships at about the same time and we talked to each other often about it. Eventually we were hanging out every day and one thing lead to another. Within 3 months of dating we were living together and engaged and by 6 months married with a baby on the way.

That’s when things started to change and quickly. He became angry and started to twist things I had done or said. Made me believe I was going crazy or had a bad memory. He manipulated me into isolating myself from friends and family and even convinced me to move across the country with him so things would get better, but they didn’t, they got worse. It was always just emotional and verbal until 3 years ago when we moved. Three years ago he put his hands on me for the first time. Since then I have lost track of the number of times I have fallen victim to a slap, or spitting on me, pushing, shoving, poking, and worse choking. I’m 8 years in, I have 2 children who are my world, and I feel trapped. The emotional abuse has only gotten worse as well, I get called every nasty thing, accused of things I don’t do, and been verbally beaten so much that for a long time I believed the things he has said about me.

My eyes are open now, I don’t know what changed but I’ve stopped submitting to his punishments. I know he isn’t going to change and I have to let go of the fear of losing a best friend, I have to stop questioning my sanity, I have to get better for my children. So I reached out, I started telling people what’s going on in my life, I’ve developed a plan to leave and am working towards that goal. But it’s hard, I constantly find myself questioning my decision. But I always come back to the fact that he will never see what he has done or change his behavior if I stay. And worse, do I want my two boys growing up to think that this is acceptable, my answer is no, NO THE HELL I DO NOT!!!!!!

So I’ve got a support system in place, and a plan of escape. I know it’s going to be hard but I can’t continue to blame myself for things I am unable to control.

Thank you all for sharing it’s really been helpful.
Do not stay with an abuser, get out
by: Paige

I married when I was 24 years old and didn’t know any better. I stayed married for 17 years then left him because I couldn't take it anymore. We were only intimate 3 times in 17 years (I found it he was going with prostitutes, doing drugs and getting drunk). I left him in August, and by the end of August a woman was already living in my house. He married her. I was left with our child and nothing else. Please leave. They will not change. Of course, in his mind he never did anything wrong. He is a sick man and his new wife doesn't know him, but I do. I ruined my life marrying him.
Narcissist, Abuser, Con-Artist
by: Safe in CA

You described my ex-husband in your article. He was everything you described. I have been divorced for 4 years and I still have the shivers with the thought of him. My stomach churns and I feel like vomiting.
HELP ME PLEASE
by: BROKEN

Like you, I have been emotionally and verbally abused. I left my husband after years of abuse. It was sudden because he mistreated me and I was so confused in the beginning. I ended up moving to my cousin’s house a few towns over and then my best friends helped me get a plane ticket and move to NC with my family. I am so scarred. We do not have any children. I am a cancer survivor and I have MS. I am not well at all. I am 39 years old and I look 55 I am so ashamed. Now my mother in law has turned into an evil witch. She has said some horrible things and said she is about to serve me with papers and I am paying for a divorce because I abandoned my husband. Now I am a state away I have nothing and I do not know what to do. Please help me.
Abused for 5 years
by: Please Save Yourself

Thanks to all the women who speak up about their stories. I'm a strong, independent woman who has been stuck in an abusive relationship for 5 years. TRUST your gut, it never lies. What's the worst that can happen? You will end up alone? Is that worse than what you’re going through every single day? I realized I was abused on Sunday and FINALLY talked to my friends about it. Trust me, talking things out will help you to put the pieces together and realize how sick it sounds. And you know it deep down. If you don’t have anyone to talk to, write everything on a piece of paper and add anything you remember for a couple of days + all of your emotions. This will help you to see the truth. Read blogs and books and GO to Counseling. Then save yourself, Run!

That's what I'm doing soon!
Good luck, you know you can do it and only you know it is right!
Been through it all: verbal, mental and emotional abuse
by: Regina

All of your stories are all so familiar. I have been called all the names you can think of, accused of cheating constantly, being beaten so badly (nearly to death), chocked several times until I passed out, been held with a knife at my throat, been almost pushed out of a driving vehicle, been blackened all over my skin. The last incident I was raped, that was the last of it for me. 3 years and stupidly I saw the abuse behavior from the very beginning. I have experienced the teary eyes, the "oh I would never do it again" story countless times. I left after the last incident and this time he didn't put up a fuss. I found myself in a position for 3 months of begging him to come back (despite what he put me through) while he rejected me and humiliated me and told me he can't be with me. This guy had such a psychological effect on me that I felt I couldn't do better than him and I was so undeserving of love. Get out before it reaches that point with you. Things are far worse emotionally for you when you unconsciously get caught up in his psychological games.
Help, please
by: Leah

I’m desperate for some advice. I’ve been with my partner for nearly 2 years and everything has been ok, except for when he drinks. I really do not like the person he becomes when he’s drunk and although it’s usually just annoying, there has been several times when he has been very drunk and been verbally abusive towards me, accusing me of things I haven’t done, bringing up things from my past and twisting them. This doesn’t happen that often, although I have lost count. But when it does, the things he has said are disgusting and I don’t feel very comfortable talking to family and even a lot of my friends about it. Initially he seemed genuinely sorry for how he had behaved, but now he just plays it down and acts like I’m over-reacting when I bring it up, which really hurts as I don’t think I can accept him thinking that it’s ok. Because of this behavior, now any time he drinks I worry it’s going to happen again and I feel constantly on edge about it.

Over the last few weeks I have told him that I want him to move out as I don’t feel he will ever stop drinking. For the last week he has been ill with a bad cold and has pretty much moved into the spare room. He knows I want to talk this through as it’s driving me crazy, I honestly don’t know what to do. Does anyone else think it’s acceptable to leave someone hanging because they have a cold, after everything he has put me through? He is refusing to talk about it and I’m a complete mess just now, crying all the time, struggling to get on with things I need to get on with. I feel really alone.
Custody
by: Abbey

After 5 years I finally left my abuser. He was so violent to me and emotionally cruel. He took everything from me and I lost my daughter from a previous relationship because of the abuse. He nearly killed me on several instances.

During the years together we had a son. Now he is 8 and we are going through a custody case. He is only decent when he gets what he wants. I was cool with him, but he has used everything against me. I should have known. I had a protection order on him which they dropped because I did not have an attorney, which again was dumb on my part. I was attacked and made a fool (happened yesterday). I am trying to get through this and I have to, but my PTSD and anxiety are so high having to deal with him.

He constantly contacts me and it looks as though he's a caring dad to the ones on the outside, but he finds any reason to do with our child to continue the contact. All he does is degrade me. Oh, my daughter that I brought up earlier, I now have her full time, yay! My kids are my world. I try to be nice and work with everyone but my kindness is used against me.

He tries to make it as though I am the crazy one. He is one great manipulator and what's scary is he doesn't see what he does as wrong. Because it's not illegal it's not wrong. His family has money and always gets him an attorney. I don't have that luxury. He doesn't work so he has all the time in the world to find a way to ruin me. I pray that it works out in the end, but this system is a joke!!!!
I left
by: Shay Ann

I was with my boyfriend for over 2 years and right away there were red flags. I was doing dishes and I playfully squeezed the soapy sponge at him and he slapped me in the back. We moved into our apartment quickly as I was living in a bad place and soon he started to get emotionally abusive. We would fight and I would stand up for myself and I would be called EVERY name in the book. Every memory is clouded with negativity; we could hardly get through a day without an argument or a mean comment. My little sister came to visit and he called me names in front of her.

He was physical and would often grab my head with both hands and shake me around while yelling at me. I made an ultimatum and said if he did it again I would leave. He did it again and the next day I quit my job and came home from work to see him not home. I took about 8 garbage bags with of my things called my mom and left.

It's been 3 weeks and I still have major anxiety especially when I first wake up. But I wanted to share because I KNOW how hard it is to leave. It took me a LONG time and I would talk to all of my support frequently to the point where they had nothing left to say to me. I would call abused women's hot lines and eventually I realized that I'm living in hell. Since I left, I haven't heard one nasty comment about myself. I've found a new and better job and I don't feel so stressed that I cry every night. Of course all of the dreams and ideas I had with him still hurt me, but I know that I will now be able to live MY LIFE the way I WANT TO. And I am WORTHY OF LOVE, FUN AND FREEDOM. We all are. I have a mantra I say everyday now. "I am beautiful. I am smart. I am worthy."

Wishing everyone the best of luck and it’s never too late to leave and start fresh. I know it's terrifying but you DESERVE happiness and we only have one life. Nobody has a right to make it hell. Get mad. Do whatever you have to do. But damn it, leave that psycho. Xo
18 years of mental abuse
by: I Want Out

I think there is something wrong with me that I am still here after 18 years....what normal person puts up with this? The constant put downs, mental abuse, his serial cheating. We have a teenage son that hates him and has begged me for years to leave him and my son is my world... But my husband has taken all the money, would not let me work, taken my name off accounts and not until recently have I started working and he won't leave enough money for groceries and I have to use my money for groceries so I can't save up any money to get out because we got to eat... The job I have pays very little. I am so tired, I am only 40 but I feel 80. I literally looked like I have aged 15 years in just the past 5 years. I can't think clearly, so forgetful. And he does things to me, like he tries to make me feel crazy, like he used to hide things from me, like for a year they were gone and then just reappear in my top drawer right there in front of my eyes like it was never gone....I mean come on....He has stolen my phone, broken my computer, burned my personal things, mistreated our own child by just talking to him hateful....I want out of this.
Tired but keep going back
by: Dana

I been with my husband for about 23 years and married for going on 9 years. I have been beat, suffered head trauma and so much more. I left so many times but took him back because he said he was going change. I put him out because he has cheated every day I was married. I found out he has had a baby. I don’t know where to turn.
Leaving
by: Grace

Hi, I am that woman. Leaving after 22.4 years of exactly what you wrote. The guilt, pain and fear is horrible, but I know I cannot and will not go back! Ladies don't be like me, leave! Please!
Response to : My dad
by: Kat

Yes, it is true. When I lived it with my dad he would abuse my mother and us, not letting us go to school, not having food for us and abusing us emotionally and sometimes even hitting us. Now I’m older and they say it’s a pattern. I got married to a man who is worse, who is a complete narcissist. I got out of if for my son. I don’t want him growing up with the same problems I did. I’m anti-social and have nerve problems because I will shake so much. When my father drank I knew he was going to be mad all the time and hit my mother. I now have social anxiety and I get panic attacks. It’s a lot of psychological problems that the children go through. Please get out of it; think about your children and fight for them. I did, but it can be very hard, especially if you have nowhere to go. But help is out there!! God bless all.
My dad
by: DG

Hi, I am 16 and my dad matches your story perfectly... I have to tell you, if you have kids you need to get out fast. My 11 year old sister is okay, but I cut for years due to his abuse on us all and I am still so emotionally unstable from it. What he used to do is all remembered and things I see every day remind me of it. People notice I act different and I don’t have trust. It is sad to think a man has the right to a child when all he was doing was calling her ugly and fat and antisocial (if I talked to someone he would say no they are not good and I was forced to not ever speak to them again). He broke everything I had and threw out any of my childhood items because he had no sense of sentimental value. I just want to tell anyone reading this if you have this problem I recommend leaving because it may be a little late, but it’s better than being stuck in the situation forever.
Stuck too
by: Bridget

I'm married with two teens. He controls us but especially my daughter and I. Seems like a woman issue. Blackmails the kids into doing things for him. He’s threatened to burn the house down if we left and insists he will have the kids half time which scares me with the control. My son has an intellectual disability so he is easily swayed and my husband will prey on that.
Why do I keep coming back?
by: Deena

I been married for 3 years and have left 3 times hoping that this will eventually change. We have a 2 year old son and all I have ever wanted was for my husband to be there for him and me. But I need to realize that will never happen. He use to hit me and call me names in the beginning of our marriage but then he went to jail for doing just that. Now he just calls me names and tells me I will never be anybody. And no one will ever want me. But I don't understand why if this man treats me so bad he still tells me he loves me and can't be without me. Yet he has hurt me so much. We started going to marriage counseling last week because I was about to leave again and told him he needed to get help. So he did, but it didn't last long till we got into it again today. I can't take this mental and verbal abuse any more. It feels like I'm going crazy. I wish I will realize that he will never change ....and leave for good.
I hope this helps some of you
by: Amanda

I discovered I was actually married to a narcissist and this article (https://esteemology.com/the-cheating-narcissist-the-breakdown-the-breakthrough-and-breaking-free/) made me understand his behavior. Read it all and do your own research keep yourself healthy and away from toxic relationships and more. If you have children together, learn how to keep them safe and in a healthy environment. Co-parenting with a narcissist can be difficult but it’s possible. Good luck and god bless all.
Love hurts
by: Holding Out Hope

I have been away from my house for three months. I too kept going back because I love the man. We have five children and we've been together for twenty two years. The first two years were good. I never knew anything about Meth, but as our children got older I found out about speed and other drugs. My husband then started being verbally abusive over the years to the point I couldn't take it anymore. I don't know what to do to help him. He's a good man, but I just don't know what to do. If only he could get help or go to rehab.
Stuck and hopeless
by: Amy

I divorced my husband of 4 1/2 yrs. last year because he was emotionally and verbally abusive. But because of financial issues, I can't afford to move out. We don't have kids, but I do have cats and 2 dogs. So going to a shelter is not an option. The abuse has gotten a lot worse. Some days are ok and we actually get along, but then other times something will set him off and he will make threats against my animals and against me. He even threatened to have me killed. He doesn't want me here and I don't want to be here, but with my animals who are my babies, I have nowhere to go. I am on disability so money is a big issue on not being able to move. I feel trapped and don't know where to turn.
3 times in the past 6 months ...
by: RE

Hello please excuse my writing...
I don't know how to start with this, but I am been dealing with life married to a narcissist. I been looking around the internet for signs and realize that I am living it now. I’ve only been married to my husband for a year and 3 months and things are going downhill. He verbally abuses me, calling me a c&nt, saying you are stupid, you are so dumb it hurts to see how dumb you are. You have no life to stand for.

And now, this is the first time he pushed things on me like furniture or used his hand. One time he pulled my hair...another time he hit me with his leg in my back. Now he threw a chair and it hit my arm and he says all the time next time it will go thru your scalp....
They don't change...they get worse with age
by: Daniella

From my experience, most narcissists don't change, they only get worse as they age. My ex never took 1 oz. of accountability and nothing was ever his fault. Pathological liar! Womanizer! Abuser!!! Show boater!!!! He tried portraying the good old hubby and church goer and family man. Except he'd screw over his own two kids any chance he could. If it meant hanging at a bar watching football, hitting on women at church picnics, ignoring adult responsibilities of anything that needed done around the house. He owned his own business and thought I should fund his whole lifestyle. He would charge, charge, charge, charge until he could charge no more.

All the lies, lies, lies. He would lie to his own parents, lie to business partners, lie to me constantly, drink, and watch nasty videos, anything to escape life and the reality of life being hard. Sometimes life is just plain old boring and tough. But, he being his AWESOME self, thought HE deserved more, more, more! More attention, more women, more $, more fame, more ego stroking! Well, it got old real fast and needless to say I don't miss 1 minute of it. Took a good 10 years of therapy to get back on track after dealing with his stupid evil presence. Good luck to you!
Where to go?
by: PB

Great advice to leave....not so easy in situations like mine. Being an educated immigrant, it has been hard to find jobs here and I ended up being dependent on my husband with a kid. Where would I go if I left... there’s no support system here and how do I get a professional job like I did in my former country. I'm in a fix, trying to figure out a solution – I wish I had NEVER married him in the first place.
They will never know
by: Madison

My two year old and I are currently sitting in my van in a public parking lot. This morning was a normal day for us and I am at my limits. This should not be the norm.

I woke up feeling extremely queasy, getting over stomach flu. He had the day off. My daughter spilled her water and he immediately starts blaming me, saying I’m lazy. It’s just water dude! So then he decided to change her. Calling me names and my two year old names. I intervened and was met with even more hateful name calling. He went to lie down and told me how he wishes he could just knock me out and be more physically abusive. I find myself wondering if I deserve the pain.

Now as usual he is calling and texting me with the "I’m sorry, I was mad I won't do it again". Which will soon turn into "I hate you, you're leaving to cheat, where are you". All the same crazy stuff I always hear. My son is at his grandmas thankfully because he is five and can understand better. After one fight my son told me "don't go in mommy" and I asked why and he said because dad will punch you and make you die. My son said this! I stay and I know I shouldn't. I very much love my children and know it hurts them but I always make excuses to go back....anyone know why?

I've always been a strong woman but he has me in such a bad place mentally. Why do I feel guilty for leaving?

It is just so frustrating and hard. It's like I like being mistreated. I've always been beaten. Except my first marriage. He was a saint. Always worked and was always helpful and kind. But all I could do is cheat and run the streets. Now why would I do that? Sometimes I think this is karma for screwing over the only person that would never hurt me.

I’m sitting here reading all these stories hoping they will give me strength I so desperately need. I’m obviously in a terrible state of mind if I’m spilling the beans on the internet. Sometimes it helps to get it off your chest. My kids need a better life. God why can't I just leave?

If you came to this site out of pain, be stronger than me. Leave the a**hole because he would leave you if someone else would take him. I can promise you that! Praying for guidance and strength!
When does the verbal abuse, manipulation stop?
by: Melissa A

I divorced my narcissistic, addict, control freak and emotionally abusive husband this past May officially. We separated officially over two years ago when he had relapsed on a business trip to Scottsdale AZ to get high on cocaine, drunk and score some escorts. He has been in and out of a sobriety program since we were married which would have been 11 years ago.

Although I filed for separation, I was forced to live under the same roof as him as he refused to leave and cut me off of any and all funds. He had me in a perfect position to manipulate me, harass me, hack into my email accounts and track me like some kind of animal. He screamed at me, called me horrible things and brought my self-esteem to below zero. I had to get out. He forced me to agree to 50/50 custody of our children (3 and 5). He alienated me, told my children lies.

I attended my son’s thanksgiving dinner at school tonight, unfortunately he had custody and my new husband and I met the children there. My son began to cry when it was time to go with his dad--he got visibly upset that our son didn't want to go with him. My son has no relationship with his dad b/c his dad hires a nanny and all of the children's time is spent with her.

On Tuesday, via text I asked him to please make sure that custody payments were on time. He never responded. I am trying to find a job and help my children acclimatize to their new living arrangements. When there were still no funds in my account by 3 pm in the afternoon -I sent him a text saying "please deposit funds-I need to pick up the kids and I barely have enough money for gas." He responded-by calling me a "deadbeat and to get a job. My 8 year old daughter saw the text come in as I picked her up from school and asked why her dad was calling me names. I couldn't help the tears.

So tonight at my sons school thanksgiving dinner, he took the opportunity to scream at me and told my daughter to say what "mommy said about him". She started sobbing and asked her dad to stop and she never said anything. I asked him to calm himself down and to wait a few minutes so the kids could say goodbye to their beloved stepdad. He screamed some more and my husband walked up and saw the disaster my ex created and asked him "what he was doing?" Why would he do that to his own kids? I told him he was harassing me again and my ex grabbed my sobbing daughter and son and put them in the car. He said "my custodial time, my control". I feel so terrible for my children. They don't want to be with him. I am so sad. I think he may be using steroids because he has tripled in size and has serious anger explosions. I don't know what or how to handle this person.
Reply to glimpse of hope and this article.
by: JP

Thank you both so much for writing and sharing... Continued prayers for you and all the people hurting in abusive relationships. Run, get out NOW! God wants to show you the true beauty in life!
Reply to the comment below mine
by: Beth

I agree with the comment below saying to submit to your husband, BUT only if he follows the norms of God and if he is committed to God ... Like it says in Jeremiah 17:5, the man is cursed and so along his family.
Years of pain with a glimpse of hope
by: Bonnie

Ladies, I venture to state that you are not alone. I have been married for 17 years with an abusive husband. I listened to my pastor this week for devotion. He spoke on the verse of 1 Peter 3 verses 1-7 about how wives need to submit to their husbands and so that those that are non-believers would submit to God due to our behavior. My Pastor admitted to this being a controversial notion in this time and age but it was not back then. We have submitted to our husbands; however, the following Scripture continued to hold accountable the husbands in our lives. Peter stated that the husbands were to be considerate towards us and treat us with "respect and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life". WE are gifts sent by God as a companion; it was from the side of Adam's rib that Eve was evolved. She was not rendered from his foot to be down trodden or trample by him. She was not created from his brain to be above him. We were created at the side in order to be equal and be a part of his life and protected. A husband is to be the head of the household just like God is the head of the church "body of believers". God is to protect, be their salvation, and love them. God gave and sacrificed his only begotten Son to have a rapport/ bond with us. This is the same requisite of a husband; he is to sacrifice for us as we would do the same not attain our beauty or self worth in their eyes or our own but to attain mutual endearing love and respect. The foundation my pastor reiterated is we jumped the gun to save a man that could never be saved and that is not our job! It is to render ourselves to a man who already loves us with our idiosyncrasies and us to do the same.

So this coming from a women that has endured physical, emotional, mental, verbal and financial abuse. So get out and live! We are not meant to stay encaged like animals. WE are intricately made and created by a Real MAN who continues to love us. I only know that my 2 daughters were brought up in love and I hid the monstrosities (philanderer, physical abuser, alcoholic, etc.) that are my husband. No one knows the plights unless they go through it. But hope will come in different ways when you pray. I recently was promoted and going back to school and my daughters' are going to graduate with honors and go to high school and college and I am filing for divorce because there is strength and hope still living in this broken down woman. I refuse to say die even though thanks to him (and my mind set) I've come close. So ladies Get UP, Run, to your nearest shelter or family or friend and find peace and shelter and leave it in God's hands and pray. You never know what legacy you will leave behind marred in your children's lives so let your life begin today! God Bless and Speed to you!
I'm the abuser
by: Adrian

My poor fiancé has put up with me for 7 years. I have battled addiction for our entire relationship and I am the devil when I have relapsed and this poor, beautiful, woman of my dreams has to suffer.

Substance abuse makes an individual believe their significant others are being unfaithful in some way and so the battle begins and the innocent are scarred. As the addict sobers up, they expect instant forgiveness and love just as the disease itself is an instant fix.

I know as I continually work to better myself and be honest and selfless that I may someday deserve this angel I have been blessed with. I fear the vicious cycle has destroyed too much and I don’t know how to let her go though I know it may be the right thing to do.

My heart and prayers go out to the abused.
When everything turns to the worst scenario. There is still hope.
by: Mallory

I’m still living with such a man. For 16 years he has played mind games and has told me how I would never amount to anything, I was lazy, fat, a bad mother and the list is long. He has successfully turned my kids against my family and had them thinking I was an irresponsible parent to my kids. Thank god staying in the house gave me time to keep a certain bond with them. In this case I’m the one who ended up with a drug addiction to help numb the pain and keep up with his demands because I thought it was normal and I was lacking.

I ended up in the hospital with depression. He degraded our son who is an amazing kid. He took me to court and filed for full custody and get this, he won. He took a few select and very damaging medical records I had at the house and the judge believed him. He manipulated everyone successfully and still he does not want me to move on. I found an apartment today and he became verbally abusive for no reason. I was positive and trying to stay this was. I’m just worried for the kids. I have sheltered them as much as I can and have never talked bad about their father and have not defended myself of the lies because they don't need to hear that. I love them so much. I've been an excellent mother and that gives me peace but I should have left a long time ago.
Never thought it would be me!
by: Liz B

It was the same for me. I have been with my husband for 10 years. He gets drunk, then he gets this look in his eyes, then he starts calling me every bad name there is. Fat, b#$%, hoe, stupid, lazy, etc. He does what he wants when he wants. Doesn’t ask what I want to do or how my day is going. He has football gatherings at the house without asking or telling me. So I'm stuck cooking and cleaning while he has a great time. He's driving a new car while mine needs ac/heat and other maintenance that he ignores. I can't take it anymore. I never call him names. But it’s so easy for him to hurt my feelings. Like he likes it when I cry. Like I am beneath him.
Feeling broken
by: KJ

Your story really helped me. I'm so angry. He left the relationship. It was hard for me to leave because we would be homeless. I stayed because I was in shock by some of the things that were said. And for some odd reason I wanted it all taken back or explained so as what was said didn't exist. It's harder than I thought, the scars left by the things that were said to me. I feel I need more help and feel the need to share my story. Any advice?
Help, I'm lost
by: Stacy G

I have been with this man for a year after I met him and right away we got pregnant and we started living together. I believed everything he told me about himself and now our baby is born and I found out he’s not who he said he is. I don’t know if that is his real name. He’s abusing me in every way he can (he would hurt me even when I was pregnant). I left him and now he’s threatening me with our baby.

I just found out he’s with another women through Facebook. He’s harassing me with other fb accounts including this woman’s. He wants to take away my son and he has my old fb password and he’s posting bad stuff about me to try and accuse me of prostitution. I always tried to make him happy but he never saw my effort. I don’t know why he hates me and wants to hurt me.

The last time I saw him was so he could see our baby and we went to the park and he started pressuring me about getting back together. When I refused, he got mad at me and drove me and our 4 month baby away from my mother’s house (where I was staying). He took away my diaper bag and car seat and left me and our baby in the Vegas sun (very hot to walk). I was crying and couldn't believe that a man who said that loves us was hurting us... I need help. I’m weak and depressed. I don’t want him taking away my son. He’s a manipulative person. I feel like trash and defeated. I need help please!!!
An era of trust is gone
by: Ali

Very similar story to my own; down to my leaving the house with our daughter on 3 occasions to escape the seething disdain, emotional incompetence and constant blame of myself and basically everyone and everything else for whatever was not going his way; me, his boss and coworkers, friends, strangers. 11 years I supported him unconditionally through jobs and job losses, business ideas, personal interests, financial downturn, downsizing, etc...I battled depression on and off throughout the relationship. I tried communicating to the best of my ability the disconnect I felt emotionally, spiritually and physically so admittedly, toward the end, I resented him deeply and it showed.

Reading back to journal entries from when we first met I can see that the same issues were already there and I pinpointed them without really understanding them; a girl of 21 who knew everything and nothing at all. An ex-military officer, recruited and trained at 18 (a mere boy trained to be both superior and obedient), who served overseas and saw action in Afghanistan. We married 2 months after his return and I knew something wasn't 'right'. It has always been a struggle with us for some reason or another.

I broke down crying when I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant 3 years ago. At some level I knew and felt that the baby was both a blessing and a curse. He pinpoints the last 2 years as being the worst; after asking if it has anything to do with our 2 year old daughter he vehemently denies it, but I see no other correlation. He is no longer in control and my attention, focus and purpose has changed irrevocably.

It has been 5 months since he left us and an era of trust is lost in an instant; he abandoned his child and moved back home to New Zealand. How a person would do this is beyond comprehension but I've let go trying to understand in order to move forward and his only explanation has been to save himself. Ironically the separation has given me time and space to see things more clearly.

We were two kids going through the paces. Emotionally and mentally stunted. Both with broken families; mine without a father of my own and no one guiding me emotionally through childhood and adolescence, with sexual abuse to boot. His with a narcissistic, controlling broken mother who both loves and hates fiercely and won't hesitate to cut you out of her life...Regardless, we all have a story and we both carry our baggage but it got too heavy.

I am now not only left to deal with all joint responsibilities from our life but to raise our precious 2 year old who is asking where daddy is, will he be coming in the front door? I am dealing and healing with my own guilt for how I participated in the breakdown of our relationship; words can inflict unspeakable pain. I am also more fiercely aware of my boundaries and what I will and will not tolerate from a partner; my daughter and I must be someone's first priority. I'm working on my trust issues and half the battle is knowing you have them. Apparently he doesn't need counseling and he is happy with himself and who he has become ... enough said then is what I've come to realize. I will not chase anyone who so willingly and rapidly disappears from the life he claims to have worked so tirelessly to build.

Life is so precious and I have much yet to learn about love and isn't that what it's all about...
There is help
by: Cristy H

I don't know much about it but there is an organization called "purple purse" that helps women financially so they can leave abusive relationships. I have only recently sent for more information but check it out it may provide the help some of you need.
You are not trapped
by: Tiffany

The abuser makes you believe you are trapped. I stayed for 22 years because I have 7 kids with him and didn't want to live on the streets with my kids. I thought I was trapped. I was abused mentally, physically, emotionally, financially, verbally and sexually.

But I always made excuses. Maybe if I tried harder. He isn't always like that. He is a good dad. The kids need their father. I have nothing, everything is his. I was trapped. But it wasn't true.

There is help and hope. Go to the shelter. They will help. Break the cycle of abuse. Give your children a better future. It breaks my heart to hear so many stories that I can relate to. There is so much pain and suffering. Leave it behind and don't look back. Leaving was the hardest thing I ever did. I still have doubts sometimes. But when I read these stories that are so much like my own, I know that I did the right thing. Starting out with nothing is hard but in the end, it's just money and stuff. I still have my soul. And I don't have to be afraid anymore. I can do anything.
Help
by: London

I'm 23 years old and I have 2 wonderful kids with this guy and he is 29. He had been to rehab 3 times for drugs and alcohol before I met him. I left my whole family in northern Iowa to move to southern Iowa to be by his family because he said he would be better here. Wrong! I can't trust him with anything. He won't come home right after work. He drinks beer, so I don't trust him with his own vehicle. He gets his paycheck and it's gone and. I don't see any of the money. He makes his mom and dad pay for everything and I mean everything and they continually do so! He calls me and the kids’ horrible names! He takes Ritalin for adhd and snorts a whole month worth in less than two weeks! But I'm worried that if I leave him, his mommy and daddy will pay for him to fight me in court to see my kids and I can't trust them with my kids!
Nothing left
by: Lysa

I have no one to help me get out. I am in the back room of my house alone. My kids are grown and they left because of the abuse my narcissistic husband did. I have no money and have a broken hand. I don't know what to do. My name is on his company, so I can’t get help from the state. Help.
Goals
by: different day

I sit in the same corner as most of you, for almost 30 years. But now I'm fighting back and I am going back to college. I've been going for almost 2 years and I have 2 more years to go. I hope I can make it that long. You all are wondering why I can’t just leave him. Let me tell you why. He kept me pregnant 4 times using my faith and then telling me I had to be a stay home mom and house wife. I felt it was a privilege to be able to stay home enjoy my children and take care of my husband and our home.

But you see, he failed to let me know during this I would not be completely happy; not unless he was happy too. I wasn't going to ever get a job where it could possibly become a career. I always was at arm’s reach of one, but he was always one step ahead of me. The way he thought about me, it was like he despised me. Listen, what I'm trying to say is I loved him with my whole heart, but I didn't love myself enough to make this abuse go away.

So in the last 2 years of college, I have taken psychology classes to learn about people like him, and people like me. Understanding who I am has given me purpose. And if I have to use him these next 2 years to get through school, I will. It's the least he can do.
I know exactly
by: Yes2yes

Omg- I read this and was thinking this is me- I've been in a physical and metal verbal abusive relationship for 16 yrs. with 2 wonderful children though. I am a recovering addict too. Even though the physical abuse has basically stopped, the verbal has gotten way worse. I finally took my kids and left. With the help of my grandparents and parents.

He would always make me feel like a nothing. He would say all kinds of things to me in front of my kids - daughter 11 and son 3 - so my daughter really understands this decision and was so grateful. He always talked smack to the kids about their grandparents too. He is on drugs (but he needs them- he says) and he blames me for everything. He texts me 100 times a day now- I have to block him. He makes situations up and blames me for them. I've gotten to the point to where I think I'm the crazy one.

I'm just glad I have such a great family support to help me. I'm so grateful to have gotten away from him but at times I feel like I'm still living with him. I never realized how much control he has over me. What hurts is when he tells me loves me and then tries to destroy me. I left him over the years probably 100 times - this time I've never went back - 5 months almost.

We had lost our daughter for past decisions - but got her back a year ago- finally. She has lived with my mom for the past 8 years and I then became pregnant after getting clean in rehab. Then with 2 years clean (and him still using all the time) I gave in and used - and was I a roller coaster again for about a year. Finally had enough and got back on track- only to be treated like complete dirt and it felt very unsafe for me and my kids.

So with the help of my family - we got out and now have our own home. I don't have to be afraid anymore- well I am but not about what I cook for dinner or going to the grocery store or to my parents’ house. I believe over time it will get better- I have to get him out of my head and stop allowing him to still control me- and all that stuff. But I finally got away!
Couldn't deal ...
by: Sheila F

I was always rolled up in ball, on medication and stressed....NEVER happened to me BEFORE I married him. Let’s face it...Being a wife and mother has TREMENDOUS responsibilities. It helps when your husband understands.

I dated and married a man who I thought was "good stock". After we were engaged, I found out I was pregnant. After arguing with my selfishness to consider abortion, on my hands and knees prostrate, I KNEW it wasn't something I could go through with. Being engaged anyway...we moved the marriage date up and went forward. I believe in divine direction. And the Lord is wise enough to see our misjudgments and turn them into something good. IF we let Him...

Little by little, this man constantly reminded me I didn't cook like his mother, didn't think like his mother, didn't evolve like his mother....and after time I reminded him... "Why didn't you marry your mother?" This was a woman broken by the verbal abuse and put downs from HER father about being stupid, etc...That the man is always blameless.... I saw him actually believing that.

So for years, I forgave the stupidity. I wasn't allowed to decorate my home because "I had NO taste", wasn't allowed to discipline my kids because they were "just kids who didn't feel like eating what I've made", the stupidity of how he OWNED everything emotionally goes on and on. Let alone the name calling...to this day...I STILL hear him.

He started doing OxyContin’s, handing them to me to "ease the pain" of losing his business (which he always reminded me of how it was HIS money). And I had a 5 year addiction which I decided to break. My stupidity comes in when I did it by myself....the withdrawal was horrible...screws your brain up...and I WANTED OUT!!! OUT from the man who friends and family had told me for years was an a$$hl, out from the manipulation, out from the drugs...I couldn't handle the restructuring of my soul....

He called the cops on me when I discussed divorce and custody of the kids...I broke...I left. ....my kids stayed with him because I couldn’t handle being super mom. I checked myself into a facility, got the help I needed, and slowly l regained my sanity. My biggest regret was thinking I didn't care about my family....it was all about me and getting my soul back. And although I don't regret telling him to go f*** himself, I do regret the harm it caused to my children never knowing the truth.

It wasn't until a year ago that my ex finally "gave me permission" to talk about the drugs to the kids......as if the reason they were reaching out to me and understanding mom was "ill" was because it was drugs.....NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM!!! Please. I have to say...the Lord sees the truth. He sees when we really try....when we fail, when we learn, when we grow. .... I spoke to my son face to face and apologized mostly for leaving them with a monster.....I see more now than I did then....I SEE that I was not wrong in my decision....and the funny part? My son wanted his FATHER to go into therapy with him....not me......my children are hurt, yes....but I inflicted a pain not because I didn't care about how they felt, but because the pain I felt was immense.....and after experiencing my ex on their own....getting to see through his " Mr. Nice guy personality" , seeing his twisted mind , and living through his emotional and verbal manipulation of life.....they have UNDERSTOOD my actions.....the healing part is still being worked out.....but the justification through prayer, guilt, healing, wisdom and above all GRACE for the broken will prevail...I ask for your prayers....it's all ok when daddy runs away....but when mommy does it.....it's still viewed as a travesty.....
35 yrs. of this.
by: Kathleen

I live in Washington state and am in very bad health. I am on SSI. So it's not enough to live on. So I stay.
Homeless
by: AF

I have left my husband for the same reasons. Have been homeless several times. In Texas there is NO HELP!
Why do I want to go back?
by: Confused Too

I left my verbally and emotionally abusive husband 6 weeks ago. My self and our children are living with my parents. I have just signed a contract for a house. My husband has been unwell, suffering from nervous breakdowns over the last 10 yrs. I and the children have been on the receiving end of his moods too many times. I have tried to understand and support him but it was starting to make me unwell too. The last few weeks have been a rollercoaster. Everyone is telling me I am doing the right thing. But it doesn't feel like it. I am really confused. He is desperate for us to come back and wants us to get help. I don't know if to give it another go. We have been together a long time. I don't know if I can cope on my own.
There is hope
by: I got out

To those that feel you have no one to turn to, I thought the same way.

But there is help out there, there are shelters you can go to be safe and professionals that handle these situations all the time. Don't stay and be miserable any longer. I did something that upset my husband and he kicked me out. At first I was upset and then I was relieved. I called a couple of friends, they let me stay at their place. They confirmed that I was not the problem it was my husband.

With him, I felt trapped and depressed. I endured both verbal and physical abuse. I finally got out after 16 years of marriage.

You can do it too.
My Decision Has Been Made
by: Suzanne

After 12 years of enduring a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship, I have decided to leave.

We have a property up for sale, and when it sells, we are splitting the proceeds and parting our ways.

I am being blamed for everything. I am the one who he says will regret my decision. I am ruining his life. I am leaving him when he is at sickest and most vulnerable. I have destroyed his life. It's all about him. Nothing about how I feel and what he has done to me.

I am 61, I have a disability which prevents me from continuing with my career in law, but I am going to work past all that and make a quiet, peaceful and happy life for myself, with the help of our Lord.

I can't believe how many posts there are on this site. It is nice to know that it's not all in my head! God bless you all in whatever situation you are in. I pray that you find release and a new life.
When you LITERALLY cannot leave
by: Kathleen

Hello,

I am 47 years old, I have been married to an abusive man for nearly 26 years. Why have I stayed? I was born disabled and have faced a multitude of health challenges over the last 15 years (from my disability and I also had and recovered from early stage breast cancer 3 years ago). He beat me during my treatment phase of cancer... My husband is SO two- faced to the outside world. He appears to be this doting man who takes care of my every need. IN REALITY... He is physically abusive and ULTRA controlling.

We were 18 when we met and married at 21. I am undereducated, and cannot hold a job because I am physically not capable to and financially totally dependent on him. AND he know this. And he uses this. I KNOW I deserve a better life and I am under no illusion that he will change! I now play the game of go along to get along. And wake up each morning with the hope of getting by day to day, and not set him off, to the point of his anger turning to rage and hitting me. My point is NOT everyone's way out is so simple.
Crisis hotlines big mistake
by: Kristy

On two occasions I've called crisis lines only to be faced with CPS. FYI nothing I said was reason enough for this. This has definitely deterred me from seeking help from these people
Happy you found your way out ...
by: Been there

I am happy you found the courage to save yourself and your children. There comes a time when self preservation kicks in and you can walk away from the abuse. Please know that there are woman out there like yourself; I am one of them too. Don't let anyone put you down for your decision. Now is the time to go and make a home for yourself and be content in knowing he will hurt you no more. The cruelty is behind you. Keep looking forward to a new future for yourself and your children. Be so careful of starting a new relationship and walk back into the fire.
I'm done
by: Little angel

I have read many of the posts and I need to read them because I just left an abusive marriage of 20 years. The last 10 years have been really bad, especially the last 6. We have four children, two teenagers and two in middle school. Reading these posts helps me remember to never take him back and to live in the Truth! I want to be set free!!!

I am so sick of being called a sl-t and that all women are wh-res and stupid. I am sick of the bruises and drunk nights. I am sick of being awakened by my husband only to be cursed out again when I thought that the abuse was over for the night.

My defining moment was when my dad died suddenly and I went to his funeral alone because my brother paid for the plane ticket (my childhood family lives far away). My husband was angry that he could not come and started saying horrible things about my mom cremating my dad. He said, "Your mom barbequed your dad and got rid of him." He said it over and over again in front of our children who really loved my dad because he was a wonderful grandpa.

Finally, one night (about two weeks after the funeral) he started saying all of this again and was very drunk. Then, he started cursing me out (nothing new) and started breaking dishes. I went outside in the driveway and held my phone in my hand for a few minutes and knew what I needed to do. Then, I finally got the courage and called the police. He was arrested for "Family Abuse". Anyway...the story goes on....But I am done! I am getting help from victims assistance and he is gone and will probably be going to jail for a year.

I want to heal and help my kids understand that this has been wrong for far too long.

GET OUT before he kills you or the kids.
Married a manipulative monster
by: Brie

Was married to an extremely controlling verbally, mentally and at times physically abusive alcoholic who I found out during our short marriage abused drugs as well....And I have been left with 20 thousand debt because of it. My parents were both in Chemo at the time and I was pregnant with our son. I didn't know what to do and went back.....BAD idea. As soon as I gave birth, he turned into the monster he always was all over again and I did not want to hurt my poor parents. He assaulted me, yelled at me, and clenched his teeth over me while I lay in the hospital bed and told me I was being dramatic and over-reacting from post birth pains.....YOU ARE NOT A PERSON TO THESE MEN....THEY CANT LOVE. THEY ARE TOOO EVIL.

WELL it continued when we got home and he even became verbally abusive to my mother (my sick mother) and father....That was it and the fact that he assaulted me in front of our newborn ...I LEFT FOR GOOD. He will never change and his family condones his ways by victim blaming and because they didn't want to deal with him, so they threw him on me....

Please if you are in an abusive relationship, get out get out. They don't love you. They want to control you! That's all it’s about and if they can find someone else to control they will and you will be left in the dust. That is not LOVE. You cannot change someone's personality. They get off on abusing you; it’s sadistic and they will provoke you to get a reaction. They are skilled; the abuse you endure is thought out and deliberate so leave and never look back. YOU CAN DO IT. FREE YOURSELF and LET GOD DEAL WITH THEM.

PEACE
Abuse for 20 Years
by: Broken

I've been in a very abusive marriage for almost 20 yrs. We have 4 kids. I hate that I stay. I do have all my kids and myself in counseling. He is bi-polar and a so-called sex addict. I hate him.

I didn't find out about all the cheating until 7 months ago. He lies constantly. He puts in half-hearted "look at me" attempts to change. Our older teens hate him. I just found out I'm pregnant with baby 5, he did it on purpose. No respect no love. Hate, anger, rage, and pain from 20 years of emotional, physical, and mental abuse has left me broke. Broke mentally, physically and emotionally. I was 17 and he was 22, I should have broken it off the first time. Run so far from an abusive relationship and never look back. They won't change most of the time.
Mentally abusive
by: KO

I been married to this man for 10 years, but we’ve been together for 19. He says the nasty things to me every day. I have to come home to a drunk. I’m so tired and just want out, but l have nowhere to go. What do I do?
Currently finding myself again
by: Bianka

I side with everything that was said. Having tracking devices on my phone, being followed as if I was cheating, being called a wh*re, liar, bipolar, a psychopath, and so on, and so on is what I dealt with and continue to be traumatized by.

This person I've grown to hate was not the person I met. You tell this person all your secrets and your background and your fears, but later on they use it against you as if you're attacking him when really you're only trying to be honest and make a marriage work.

I WAS MARRIED AT 20. I'm 21 now and I'm still trying to un- love someone and I find it hard every day to accept that he is no longer in my life. That he does not care about me anymore even though I gave chances. I have to accept that he is no longer in my life and I try to justify his actions and speak positive about him. But there is no good to talk about a person that abused you who says that I have no right to talk about him that way because he supported me.
Not sure what to call it
by: Greta

I have been married for almost 16 years. I married someone that loves me very much as long as I say and do what he wants. He wants everything done his way, and if that is not the case, then he aggressively voices his opinion, and this is with everyone.

He will put you down to the point that he will make you feel like he is going to physically hurt you. He has done this all his life. With me he has backed down a little because when I see that he is getting close to me or he makes me feel as if he is going to hit me, I will throw something at him or grab something and let him know that if he doesn't calm down, I will hurt him or call the police.

In the years we have been together he has never laid a finger on me. On the contrary I am the one that ends up hitting him after the frustration of him not letting me give my opinion or express myself. It’s at the point that I don't really say much to him, but that even is a problem because he gets in a mad mood because I don't say anything.

But with him you never know at what point he is going to explode. He is verbally abusive with everyone. I want to leave him, but just don't know what to expect. The last time I tried, he wouldn't let me leave the house. And he loves to cause scenes and I am afraid of what he will say or do in front of my parents and my father may not react the same way..
Seeking help at 49
by: Rod

Hi, I'm a mental abuser.
I've been telling myself that since my wife of 10 years packed up our 2 children and left a month ago. This is the first time I've ever replied to a posting about my problem so please bear with me.

First off, I'm sorry for what you've gone through. I know all too well the painful details of your story as it’s the same mess I created in my wife and family’s life.

Her leaving me was a real eye opener for me. For some reason, I thought she never would (part of my issues). I commend you for trying 3 times to save your marriage. That's 3 chances more than I'll ever get from my wife to try and repair the damage I've caused. Your husband obviously didn't want to change.

But how about me? Is there hope for me? You state quite positively that an abuser will never change.

I feel determined to get the help I need to make me a better person. Oh for sure I could blame it on some dark suppressed memory from childhood. Broken family, mom's drunken, physically and mentally abusive husband 1 and 2... bla bla bla. My actions are my own and I accept full responsibility for them.

I'm a very determined person and there's not many things I can't do when I put my heart into it. I'm seeking help and counseling. I have every desire and intention to make a better life for my wife, my children and myself; together if I ever get the chance.
Now that I know my problem, I already feel the person I was is somehow leaving. I don't want to hurt her again. I don't want to be that person again.

So my question to you is...
Should I just give up, knowing that there's really no help for me? Stay clear of the love of my life because I've destroyed something that can never be fixed?
Thanks,
Rod
It Never Ends
by: Ashamed

I have been married for almost 2 years. I have to tell my story or I will just feel empty and feel like he still has the power.....I am only 24 years old with two children. My husband has been calling me a hoe, a sl*t, a b*tch and even more; I’ve lost count of all of the names. He says that I am a cheater. I stayed at home with my kids for a year and a half and he thought I was cheating at home. So I got a job. He never wanted me to have any money and now that I work, he says I’m cheating with someone at my job.

It never ends. He has been hitting on me so much. I spent my New Year getting beat up and he has ripped out my hair. I have been fighting back and picked up a pan and tried to beat him back with it. But since I am only 5 foot and don’t weight much, he attacked me and I lost the fight and ended up with so many bruises on me. I finally decided to move out, but he says I’m doing that so I can cheat.

But at this point I don’t care. When he ripped my hair out, that was it for me. I wanted to kill him. He keeps trying to to be intimate with me and I refuse to let him touch me ever again. I am so ashamed he beat me up in front of my kids (he doesn’t help with them). Our daughter, who is one, hates him and so does our 4 year old son. He told me "I don’t like daddy, mommy he hits you all the time". To hear my children and to see how afraid of him they are, I know it’s my time to go.

I took the first step and went and found my own condo. He has ruined so many of my relationships with family and friends. Now that I am leaving and taking control of my life, he is upset. I can at least say I did call the cops on him and he was in jail for 4 days. But like an idiot, I bailed him out.....then he beat me up so bad a week later with a vacuum cleaner that I could hardly walk!

Now he only has probation and is looking for a new job....now that he is working on his MBA he thinks that he is better than me! And since I didn’t finish my degree he makes fun of me. He calls me fat and every name in the book when I am not. He knows that I was abused before and that I was sexually assaulted as well. He says "I see why that man did that to you".

So now I am just done, he is a no good man. And now his life is falling apart and he blames me when he has brought it on himself.
Time to wake up
by: Cara M

I've had a similar life, I'm now 44 years old. But God isn't doing this to you. We make decisions to stay or leave once we become adults. As children what we go through isn't our fault, it's the adults that do it to us. Remember your daughter’s love for you. Know that you are the center of her world. Know that if you do something to hurt yourself, she may live the same life you did growing up. But know you have survived. And know it's time to kick your survival in to gear. There is support systems that will help you. And there is a way to leave him. Call the police and they will remove you or him. Just keep yourself in mind that nothing will ever hurt you or your child ever!! Please get out and get support!
A life of abuse
by: Only23

I am 23 years old. I have been abused physically, sexually and mental 95% of my life. I was molested in a foster home at 5 years old, and have dealt with multiple abusive and broken foster homes. I have no parents or family, my mother committed suicide and my father is an alcoholic I’ve only met once. My twin brother doesn’t talk to me anymore and my older sister hates me for no reason. Our foster mom kicked us out when the checks from DSS were about to stop. Now I have a 3 year old daughter and have been with her father for 4 years. The abuse keeps getting worse. He used to just raise his voice, belittle me, and sometimes push me around or grab my hair.

But now as I sit here with a black eye and the whole left side of my face swollen and bruised I feel my soul cannot take anymore. I just had a different bruise from him on the same side about 2 weeks prior (his family saw that one too). He won’t let me leave and his mom, even after seeing my face like this, says I have it made (which is BS).

I don’t know what to do anymore. If I try to leave, he takes my keys, the phone I use on his family plan, and blocks the doors, and destroys any property I own that I have worked so hard to get. Then he tells me how sorry he is and how he will never hurt me again (I’ve heard it all before). I want the best for my daughter and she loves him. He has never tried to hurt her, but she sees and hears him hurt me. I’m afraid if I can’t get out I will kill myself. But I don’t want my daughter to live her life thinking I took the "easy" way out just like my mother did.

I have no one to turn to… Why does God have to make me keep living an endless life of abuse and sadness? Why can’t I get away and live a happy and peaceful life?
Dawn of a New Day
by: Cassandra

Dear folks who feel scared, alone, stuck and desperate. Please know that you are Not alone. Even in the most desperate of situations, you can call a domestic violence hotline where they can direct you to your local domestic violence shelter. They can provide shelter, free counseling, and other forms of support you need depending on your situation. Please make the call! Especially if you have children to protect! I am currently in the process of having left my abusive husband of 5 years and that is where I turned for help. I initially called the police when I was really scared, but that only seemed to make my husband angrier afterwards. And somehow he could talk his way into looking like a pretty good guy to them despite the evidence. And somehow he ended back in my good graces. And this started on our honeymoon I had to call the police! It wasn't until I got help from the wonderful domestic violence shelter that I decided to act. So please know you are Not Stuck. You just have to call them for help!!!
RE: He keeps convincing me to stay
by: "Been there"

Sounds like you are 'stuck' where I was years ago. I can tell you this much. I had days 'wishing' I had stayed and worked it out. I divorced when my children were 4 and 7 years old and I paid the price financially. I had to pinch every penny and use credit cards to get my kids to their graduation day. Now, they're grown and on their own, but I have the debt to deal with. Best think this whole thing through. You may have to go to counseling to 'learn' how to 'deal' with your husband. What to do and how to handle him when he's reaching his breaking point. Spend lots of time with your children. Get them to understand that adults have a lot to deal with and don't always handle it well. It's a tough road either way.
He keeps convincing me to stay.
by: Monica S

I've been married for 10 years and have two kids. My husband is a binge drinking alcoholic and is verbally abusive. His comment range from "he knows I won't divorce him because I'm like a chimp with a crayon", "no wonder your mom left your dad, you're just like him, a flaming a**hole." "You couldn't get anyone but me." "I’m the best I've ever seen", "You'd never get the kids; they wouldn't want you."

It's heart-breaking and painful to be told to shut the F up constantly. Much of this happens in front of the kids. And when he isn't saying specific mean things, he's just angry in general. Angry at the worker at the gas station, angry at the drivers around him, insulting about the news anchors, coworkers... he doesn't really have a nice thing to say about anyone or anything.

UNLESS, he's trying to make up for the previous fight. Then he's over the top about how incredible I am and how much he loves me. He obsessively calls me at work - when he's angry he can't let it go, and when he's "lovey" he just is calling me to tell me how great I am. It's a roller coaster and walking on eggshells all the time. No matter how much I do, how carefully I do it... somehow I've loaded the dishwasher wrong, or done the laundry wrong... I really can't win.

I hate that the kids are witnessing this, but he's also gotten us into a very difficult spot financially and I don't see how I can leave. It's not like he's going to just let me walk out with the kids. And I can't pay for an apartment on my own. I also feel guilty about leaving, because I don't think he could pay for the house on his own either. He doesn't want a divorce but keeps telling me if I want one, I should just leave. I don't know where to go or how to begin. We had yet another huge fight yesterday and he's already asking me where I want to go on "date night". He just doesn't seem to get it and I feel so stuck!
I don't know how to get out
by: Lost and depressed

I haven't been married to my husband very long. Almost 4 years now, but the verbal abuse is bad. Every day he tells me what a piece of cr*p I am, how stupid I am, and how worthless I am to everyone around me. As well as a bunch of other things. I struggle so bad with depression and I've just been in a dark cloud. I don't know how to get out. I don't live near any family. I know I don't deserve this, but sometimes I feel like I do. He tells me there's something wrong with me because of my anxiety and depression and uses it against me a lot. I'm just so sad. I don't feel like I'll ever be able to get out. I'm going to try though. I just have to figure a way.
NPD
by: EL

Its possible they have Narcissistic Personality disorder..
Please pray for my family
by: Terri

I have been with my husband 27 years...I had no family in the area and I made his family mine. I am finally in a place where I can leave the abuse and I am grateful for your post; I only wish I found it sooner. God Bless you and thank you!
My story is the same
by: Mina

I have been married for six years with two kids. He was always a grouch but now it’s gotten to where he has hit me. It’s not often but it’s enough to destroy me inside. He yells about how stupid I am, how dumb I am, how no one can stand me. Oddly I have dealt with it through the years but now a month ago something happened to snap me out of it. We were driving to Las Vegas to pick up my sister and the phone messed up, so I told him to turn around thinking we were going the wrong way. He got so angry, punching me in the face four times while belittling me, then to make matters worse he made me sit in the backseat as if I were a child. I couldn't go anywhere and he started driving at 100 miles per hour trying to kill us. I can't get over it. It feels like an endless cycle of a horrible man. He loves on me, hugs me, and says he will change; then he turns around a week later saying you’re the one that needs to change, you’re stupid. I fall for it every time. I feel stupid and I know it’s unhealthy but I still feel a strong pull of unhealthy love towards him. I feel as if I do leave him, I am the wrong one. I want to feel loved and I know this isn't love.
Leaving an abusive spouse
by: Daniella

I was a victim of an abusive marriage, and I thought I didn’t have a way out. Many times I was ready to leave and then my husband would apologize and he would buy me gifts, brought me flowers and he would treat me to a fancy restaurant. I would stay again because I thought maybe I said something wrong or I upset him in some way but he loves me and he really cares about me. I would stay again and again.

I finally did leave him and took my kids out of town not knowing where I was going to live with my two kids. I heard about women shelters and the stigma behind it scared me until I had no choice and called for help. I learned through other women in similar situations that there is help available, so I filled myself with courage and gave it a chance.

The shelter provided me and my children with a bedroom and 2 beds and 1 crib for my little one, food, toiletries, and personal and group counseling. The rules are strict and I felt it was sometimes ridiculous, however I learned that is not necessarily because of me but to make it fair for everyone.

Organization and perseverance are the key to obtain all the help available from many agencies with programs that will help people with different needs. By following the shelter policy will open other doors to help those who qualify and are willing to fill out many forms that are sometimes overwhelming, however there are many applicant's and if you provide the necessary information to be the right candidate. I quickly became a candidate to a 1 bedroom apartment and I soon after applied for section 8 and with my voucher I was able to rent a much bigger 2 bedroom apartment paying only $65 a month. DCSS help me with 1st and last month’s rent, as well as food stamps, and a little money. I also learned of a government plan that helped me to go to school. If you are considering leaving and don't know where to go remember this number "211" explain your situation and they will give you 3 places you can call. Good luck to you, there is plenty of help out there.
Child of an abusive father
by: Holly T

Ladies,

Those of you who are unsure of leaving your abusive spouse because you feel bad for your children; LEAVE!!! Your children will thank you later! My father beat the living you know what out of my mother daily for as long as I can remember. They are both 63 years old and he still beats her daily. I am now 40, so I am removed from the situation and don't have to deal with it but other family members tell me it’s still happening. My mother tries to hide it and protect him. I can't stand my father and I am very resentful toward my mother because she never left him for her KIDS and we had a miserable, horrible life. Please get out, run as fast as you can!! Thankfully, GOD blessed me with a husband who was raised by a man that I can only wish was my father. A great man that has the utmost respect for woman. Run Ladies! RUN!
15 Years of Torture
by: Scared and hurt

My husband of 15 years tortures me and he beats me down all the time. He treats me so bad. I feel like I'm dying in this marriage, he is so evil. I'm scared for my health and have nowhere to go with two kids and a dog. I’ve worked so hard in life; why is God doing this to me? Please help me understand. I'm so alone, I sit here crying in my room in the dark away from my kids so they can't see. Whenever he is mad (which is always) he takes away money, love, affection, and even the food. My daughter is afraid of his evil cold stare and so am I.

I can't afford to live alone and pay all this rent. Sometimes before I go to bed, I pray I don't wake up. But then I realize my kids need me. I ask him to get help all the time and he tells me if I don't like his rules to get out, there's the door. He throws me out with my kids every other day. My neighbors have seen me leaving in garbage bags so many times with my kids. I need help, please someone tell me what to do.
Verbal Abuse/ Emotional Abuse
by: Trish

Yes, I have been in this horrific abusive relationship for 20 years. It started right after we got married. We have a 17 year old son, a great son and we are very close.

I grew up in an abused home, physically, verbally, and sexually by my brother. However, now I am finally waking up from a deep sleep. A fog that I have been in, called denial, for 20 years. I started to notice the red flags early on. Financial abuse, verbal abuse, internet social sites, pictures of women, always an excuse. Blaming me for being a b*tch. Blaming me for his problems and addictive personality. Lies, hiding my things, taking my things. He took my watch after a fight, and a week later I found it laying in the parking lot by my truck, face up. Weird stuff all the time. Manipulating, playing the victim, it's always about him.

Five years ago, after enduring years of being shut out, I met a guy on line. We talked a lot. My husband put a key logger on my laptop, hacked my account and sent out every email to all of my contacts. Destroying everything, yet he has been doing this for the last 20 years himself. Maybe it wasn't right, I made a mistake, and never ever did anything like that since. However, every fight we have, that is the ace in his pocket to pull out when he wants to. He continues to frequent social sites, and I don't care anymore. It's hopeless. On July 22nd I was rushed to the hospital. My doctor called in a medication that I am highly allergic too. When my husband walked into the ER, he never spoke, never asked how I was, never...That was the defining moment in my life.

It's been a month, and I have not spoken very much to him. We have slept in separate rooms for almost a year. I realized after doing much research online that he also is a financial abuser. He managed to sweet talk and coerce all of my money from a small inheritance, and two law suits I won. Also realizing that the utilities have always been in my name and the major credit cards as well. I put the heating/conditioner totaling 5,000 on a major credit card. I lost my job, he said "oh well, it's on you. Destroying my credit... I look at him now with such disgust. He is repulsive in every sense of the word. Now, I am becoming more educated/informed about my situation.

It is as though my son and I live in a tomb. He walks in the house and there is a heaviness with his presence as if there is a demonic presence. When he is angry, he gets so evil, he starts screaming G.D. at me telling me I don't do a G.D. thing. Which, I do everything around the house...He doesn't have a problem treating me like this in front of our son. My son and I are Christians and I am really having a difficult time with this. The thought that he "swindled" almost 50,000 out of me makes me sick. But I always gave him the benefit of the doubt by believing his lies that we would have a future together. It's almost surreal, but I do see now what has been happening for the length of this fraudulent union. I know that God knows what is going on and my son and I are making future plans. I realize that I am married to a monster. That what goes around, comes around. I feel nothing anymore, nothing. There is going to be a better life from here on out. I honestly believe this, finally.
I left the abuse. Now I'm free.
by: A Survivor

I have read a few of your blogs and I feel your pain. I’m so sorry that you had to go through this. For those of you that left, you’re free and safe. I hope in time you will heal from your pain and live the life you were meant to live. Have faith in God so he can give you strength. Surround yourself with good people. Don’t go through this alone. I can relate to so many of your stories. I fell in love with my husband. He was my best friend and the love of my life. He had all these great qualities about him. I believe there were times that he loved me and was looking out for my best interest. I moved in with him fairly quickly and married a few months later. I followed where love is. I was blissfully happy. He is very knowledgeable, cultured, charismatic, handsome and successful. Not only did I love him, I liked and admired him as a person. On the last day of our honeymoon that is when I experience the beast. I didn’t see any red flags before. I began learning new things about him after we became married. That is when I saw his dark side. The day we were flying back home from our honeymoon I was so deeply hurt by his disturbing behavior I cried nonstop on the plane for 8 hours. I couldn’t stop crying for two days.

I did not recognize this man. He was nothing like the man I was living with. His temper was explosive. And most of the time it was over the smallest things. The cycle of emotional abuse took place. I officially became his emotional punching bag. Every day I would be filled with anxiety. I had no idea what mood he would be in when he came home from work. It seemed like every month he would be extremely upset at me over something. Everything I did was wrong in his eyes. He was controlling, critical, insulted my intelligence, mean spirited.

He was a coward and a bully. I say coward because he knew better not to behave this way when he was working. He put on his good face in public. He felt it was OK to verbally attack and shred my self-esteem in half in our home. It made him feel powerful. He would literally tower over me and all I can do is cry. He looked at me with pure disgust. The first time he mentioned divorce I packed my things and was ready to leave. He asked me not to go. And never apologized for his behavior. I kept getting blamed for everything that went wrong in our marriage. A few months later I asked him to get the help he needs to deal with his anger issues. When he refused that was when I should have left for good.

He apologized only one time to me when we were together. It was the only time I heard him say to me he knows has to change his ways. He asked me to forgive him. I always did. My mistake. One week he will tell me how much he loves me and what a good wife I am and how much he appreciates me. Depending on his mood swings the next week I was the worst thing that ever happened to him. I lived my life in fear. I was always worried one day he will get really upset with me and will hit me. Or he will leave me. I was terrified of his temper. But I didn’t want to give up on my marriage. I wanted to help him. I wanted to have a healthy marriage.

He was furious with me the last time I saw him. In the end he kicked me out from our home and said he will give me a divorce. And with the clothes on my back, purse and laptop I left. I was in a state of shock hysterically crying in the street. I felt sick like I was going to pass out. I had no idea where I was going to go. My family and friends didn't know what was going on in my life. In front of my family and his we acted like everything was going great. When it wasn’t. It took me two weeks to get the rest of my belongings. He left me homeless, no money to survive. I have been staying in different relative homes until I am able to get back on my feet.

What kind of man does this to his wife? This has been the worse pain in my life. I don’t wish this type of pain on anyone. Every single day I have to tell myself "you’re going to be OK." Sometimes I can’t help but think to myself why did this happen to me? Why make me suffer? What did I do to deserve this?

The truth is I didn’t deserve to be mistreated or abused. I was a good wife to this man every day. Even on the days when he was mean/cruel to me. I worked so hard on improving my marriage. It’s been close to five months since I last saw him. I will feel better when we finally divorce.

In order for me to move forward I have to find a way to forgive him. I’m not there yet. I still have a lot of wounds to heal and a lot of rage inside. He’s a monster to me. He has no conscience, no remorse, and no empathy. He is living his life happily as if I never existed. I’m not a doctor. But I believe he may be either Bipolar or may have an Anti-Sociopathic behavior. I feel like I am living a nightmare I can't wake up from. I see his face all of the time. I was married for a year. The time I was with him I suffered the most stress of my life. I began losing weight and a lot of hair. I looked older from when we met. I never cried so much in my life.

I can understand how many of you don’t feel like leaving your abusive partner. And how you may feel guilty. I can relate. What I can say is I am relieved that nothing worse happened to me. The emotional abuse was more than enough harm. I have faith in time this will pass and he won’t even be a memory. I am putting myself as a priority again. I learned so much from this horrible experience. I am a survivor. Surrender everything to God. Life will get better.
Celebrate Getting OUT
by: Hannah

I came upon these many posts and honestly could not read them all, but many I did. I want to send encouragement to those who haven't left abuse to DO IT and join those who have in celebrating freedom. I know it's hard to leave and imagine life without him, but can you imagine life without abuse?! Yes you can. For me I had difficulty abandoning my marriage vows, however the Bible has many stories of when divorce is right, and even Jesus divorced Israel. Men must be held accountable, and it's not our job, nor can we "fix" abusive men. No matter how much we want to and love the man we once fell in love with, we can't fix them. And remember these men are not loving us when they abuse. Also, nowhere in the marriage vows does it say "and you can abuse me".

To the women who got out... Yay!

I did just that as well. My story is similar to bits of many of your stories... Hiding serious drug use from me, alcoholism that I did know about (but he hid that he was drinking again for some time), paranoid personality disorder/drug induced psychosis/narcissistic abuse cycle/sociopath (we aren't sure), deep psychological, verbal and mental abuse, stalking me, isolated me, continuously accused me of cheating with no proof (no I never!), over took my accounts from email to FB, tracked my every move, obsessed over phone logs/texts etc., created false "evidence" that he said he had to try and scare me, or he actually did in the middle of the night create false "evidence", threatened me and harassed me when I did leave and still is... Now he harasses my family. In his psychosis, he put voice recorders in my car and the house as well as video recorders around and believed I was taking to other people on other devices, he threw me out on a couple of occasions leaving me with the clothes on my back and wouldn't let me in when he was certain I was taking to other people on hidden phones even when I was just watching TV and 10 feet from him.... So much more. He went from calling me every name possible to "I love you and I will do anything for you" several times in one day in dozens of text messages. He has threatened to destroy my life, my finances, and my professional career. He has also cost me thousands of dollars I've worked for as he went from job to job to no job for significant periods of time... And in many ways has cost me financially a lot.

But.....

I am out. It's been 2 weeks. I left with my dog and a few things but my "life" is still in that house and I have yet to be able to get them. But actually no, I have my life, many scars, but I have life. Friends and family intervened when I finally left and they realized what was really going on. I was completely drained from working to support both us, never getting to sleep well, and ongoing fights and "torture" in a crazy house, and could not see clearly. They made sure I didn't go back and said I'd be on my own if I did... (They'd actually been watching me go back a few times and it was killing them too). His family apparently has been dealing with his crazy/drugs/blame/hurt for many, many years and are in full support of me. We actually did try to get him some help, but he does not want it, denies everything, is abusive to us all, and is now on the war path to destroy me.
I have an order of protective that has yet to be served on him because he evades everything and is a master manipulator. Sociopaths and such are very crafty. They make you think you're the crazy one, which he did, and lie for the sake of lying, which he did, and blame everything on everyone else, which he did... And does.

This is just the tip of the iceberg sadly.

He is still trying to wreak havoc on my life in every way possible. And if it's possible to believe this... We were married just a short time ago. A few months. He started with things gradually, they got worse right before the wedding but I was told they were nervous jitters (and I wasn't honest with anyone as I was in denial). As soon as we were married he went overboard. I found things that told me for sure he is using serious drugs. His actions certainly were those of drug use as well. Several psychiatrist/psychologists told me to run. He needs help badly, but I must get out. He will take me down with him, and he doesn't want help now.

I am blessed to not have children in the picture with him. We wanted them but thankfully there are none with this going on. I am blessed to have had the courage to leave and find some clarity and help. I am blessed that I have tremendous support. Unfortunately this man has burned so many bridges and hurt so many people that he is on his own. I hate it. I love him. I do. Sometimes the best thing for a person is that tough love thing. He has to take accountability for himself. I enabled and picked up the pieces, and took his abuse for too long.

I feel that I'm an awful person for leaving him. I feel guilt and struggle up and down all day and night long. I "hate" him right now. I will always love the man I met and fell in deep love with and said my vows to. He isn't that man anymore. Apparently he is a master manipulator, con artists, has a serious last of drugs and alcohol and criminal activity. Yes, I'm embarrassed I married a man I thought I knew, but didn't. So many people now tell me they saw it coming. They didn't tell me things about him or their gut feelings, because they thought I was happy. There's no one to blame. It just is what it is.

My story I feel is a somewhat extreme and fast moving one. I feel for any abused man or woman whether it was over many years, or shorter, whether it was intense and all the time, or less somehow.... The length of time and severity or type of abuse does not matter. Abuse and hurt and in some cases true "crazy" is still abuse and NO ONE deserves it. EVERYONE can and should get out. Get help. Don't go back. Life does and will go on and is better without abuse.

Celebrate your life. You only get one to live.
Textbook ~ Emotionally, Verbally & Mentally Abusive
by: Debbie ~ I Lived This Life

I lived this same life almost to the letter. Mine, & most abusers will tell you any things you want to hear or even buy you nice things to make it up to us. This is where it's very WRONG & you DON'T know how this hideous Disease they have keeps repeating itself until it's too LATE... THEY'LL try taking your life first... then their own, ALL because they want you for themselves!! Being controlling is yet another big sign something is wrong!!!

Please don't fall or be conned by a smothering man who won't let you have friends, transportation or has to go everywhere with you simply because they can't leave your side and don't like being alone! These are signs, big red flags to watch out for. DON'T END UP LIKE ME! I'm lucky to have had friends who have become my family to help me get out & from A MAJORLY ABUSIVE HUSBAND.

KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN GOING IN.
Help her get out
by: LL

Please assist your daughter to get out. Things will only get worse. Ask God to help you and her to have the strength. I was divorced within a year of marriage because I knew if I stayed longer my life would be over at 32. Please, please, please ask her to GET OUT sooner than later.
Our children
by: Feed Up

Here I am sitting here, thinking about my life with him. My life wanting a family, wanting my kids to have both parents in the house, thought he would change, and now my kids are grown up. Now my daughter is in abusive relationship, and she doesn't see it. She thinks it’s her, she gives excuses for her husband, while he hits her and belittles her. She been having panic attacks, and suicidal thoughts; she has been married for 1 year and has dealt with so much from him. I know this is because of what she has seen at home.

What I am saying ladies, if we don't make a stand on what is healthy in our lives, our children will go through the same in their relationships.
Let it go
by: Had Enough

Been there ... I've walked in your shoes. You need to forget him in your daily life. Take care of yourself and find your own way now. I had 2 kids that depended on me. I kept his name out of conversations as much as possible. Kept him out of my mind. I decided to let God deal with him. Trust me ... life will catch up to him, but you have to let it go for now. Get away from him; stay away from him. Life can be good again. Being independent, single isn't all that bad. If I can find happiness again, so can you. You're in rough waters, but they CAN calm down again.
He is Evil
by: MER

My husband is a Narcissist who also has traits of a Schizo...God knows what the correct term is to describe this evil brutal being, but all I can say is he made my life a living hell on earth. Married for almost 8 years. He made sure I was broken and left mentally absent so I am not capable of doing even the simplest of tasks. He has crippled me in every way that I'm now always wondering if death is the best option out of this sad life I have endured. I am suffering from chronic heartache that feels like someone’s twisted a knife in my heart and won't stop twisting it. He not only was physically abusive but the verbal abuse was so disgusting that he would mention my most private most intimate parts of my body. He would insult those parts, especially of how he found me so disgusting looking and he would always say how he would bring another woman into the home and kick me and our 2 little boys out on to the streets. My kids have been subjected to his daily rantings. The truth is I’m not unattractive at all. And if people complimented me on how pretty I am or how lucky he is to have me, that would be the day I’d get abused and get called ugly and fat. Or that he is better than me and can get a better looking woman than me. Everyday I’m getting the shakes and my heart feels like its racing. I panic at the slightest of things or sounds. I never was like this, in fact totally the opposite. I gave this man a million chances which he felt he was the one giving them to me instead. He has never said he's sorry once. It’s always my fault that he gets aggressive it’s my fault he loses his rag or uses his hands or that he cheated on me. He will never back down and is the most self-centered arrogant man I have ever known. Just recently I found a stash of cannabis and mobile numbers of females on slips hidden in a small box along with his drugs. The only thing I pray for is that he never lives to see happiness or peace. I pray he dies of a painful cruel death… even that won't do justice for the pain and cruelty he's bestowed upon me.
45 years later
by: Dixie

It's a fact, they do not get better. If only women would realize that bad men stay bad men. Strangely we have something in common, we have brains, so how is it we stay and let it continue. We are hopeful. We hope God will change things for us if we persevere. But the bible says to leave if things are bad, God does not want us to be abused. If you are normal it is hard to comprehend that someone can inflict this behavior on you for so long and try to destroy you. You HAVE to leave. It’s the only way to deal with it and the sooner the better, before they turn you into a nut case too or worse still turn you into a shivering wreck. It all comes right in the end. You just need courage for the first step, trust in God, and find some good people.
28 Years
by: Feed up

I haven't gotten a divorce, but there hasn't been a day that I wanted to stay. Knowing what he is capable of and all the threats, the hitting, and the mind games make me feel worthless, helpless, and not wanted. Then there’s the neglect and wondering every day what did I do or didn't do that's going to set him off. The humiliation to ask for five dollars to get milk and bread, and maybe have a dollar left out of it, then having to explain why I have a dollar. I work part time so the little money I have will go towards gas or groceries or a bill. I started going to college 2 semesters ago. I have another 4 semesters to go so I will get my degree in ultra sound. I feel like it’s taking so long to get this. I've dealt with this for 28 years! And I feel like I will never be healed with what he has done to me. Over the years I've left 3 times. He promises he will change and get help. I have 4 kids and 5 grand kids and I'm only 43 years old. I'm so feed up, I can't get out fast enough!
RUN!!!!!
by: Angela F

Ladies, Ladies, Ladies,

I beg of you, don't just walk away from an emotionally abusive husband, RUN!!!!! You will hurt and it will be difficult and you may think that you can never recover from this.....but you will. Emotional abuse is the most devastating form of abuse. It will DESTROY your ego and mental state to the worst.

My ex was so emotionally abusive such that it eroded my sense of self all together. At first he was so obsessed about me and I assumed that it was cute, being admired and checked on like that. Soon after he told me he didn't like my friends, my dress code, red lipstick because it’s for sl*ts. Told me that career women are troublesome so that I would downgrade. He told me about how he has never ever met a woman like me and how I’m the best thing that ever happened to him. Checked up on me when I was home and would unceremoniously drive to my house at odd hours to confirm that *(like 2 a.m.) I didn't sneak someone else. He hated the fact that I had a life before him.

I changed to be that woman that he wanted and little did I know that would be the beginning of the end for me. Fast forward to 5 yrs. later, he pressured me into marriage, this is after he had hit me a few times and apologized that it would never happen again. IT NEVER STOPPED.

He became even more aggressive post marriage. My GUT warned me about him. My friends warned me. My family and colleagues warned me. Everyone pretty much. But he was so manipulative that I ended up there.

After marriage (with his 2 kids staying with us), I felt trapped, insecure and illiterate (I have a degree in psychology but he totally disregarded that). He told everyone that I am crazy and I started to even believe it myself.

I requested a divorce and he made my life a living hell since that. I am on the road to recovery and I sometimes doubt if leaving was the right thing even after all this mess (but deep down I know it was)

Don’t walk ladies. RUN if you can. I am glad I never had kids in that situation.
What comes next ...
by: Had Enough

To all the women that are being abused and mistreated... I can give you an idea of what is ahead for you in life if you leave your abuser and have children. I left my husband, and got the divorce with two young children many years ago. The biggest problem I had was 'how' am I going to pay for everything that I need and that my children need. Money is always an issue. No money tree growing in the back yard. Then there's the question, "Is he going to make my life a living hell if I go?"

My family didn't really want to get involved and did not. They were always 'nice' to him if they ran into him at the store. That was difficult to deal with. They knew what hell I went through with him. So, why did they smile at him and pretend nothing went on? My friends all took sides. That was difficult to deal with also. There were times when even the kids took sides.

I look back and wonder what my life would have been like if I had stayed with him. A woman can keep her mouth shut and take it, day in and day out, and hope for a better tomorrow. At least you have a roof over your head. I saw my own mother abused by my step-father. She stayed with him being there were 6 kids in the family and she had no way to support herself if there was a divorce. She had very little education. She went through hell some days; other days were better. Now with her being in her 70's, her life has changed. My abusive step father developed diabetes and can no longer walk very well, and most certainly, cannot hit her anymore. She is in control. The unfortunate part is that she is very 'bitter'. Not many happy memories that she can recall.

So a woman has to think about what comes next before taking that big step. Unfortunately, there are no easy answers. My children are grown now and doing well on their own. They are taking their time starting up a relationship. For me, I refuse to ever marry again. No more pain; no more abuse. No more having to take the blame for everything that troubled 'him'. So my best advice is to stop and 'think' it through. If the children are being abused, of course, then it's a no-brainer. You have to act on it.
SAHM 3 kids abusive husband NO SUPPORT HELP
by: Lauren

I've been married almost 5 years and every one of them has been emotionally abusive. The last few years have started to get physical... and horrifically emotional. We have 3 children. He's a veteran and messed up. Last week I snapped and refused to take his pushes or slams (he never really hit me so I made excuses) he'd pushed me down, yet wouldn't fall or get back up; badgering him and egging him on. Well he bruised all of my ribs, bruises no one can even look at all over my body, broke my phone and then called my mom and said I tend to cut him. My family and friends don't care. I've been telling them for years, seeking advice and they've all slowly left me. I'm alone and worn down and my children are now aware of this incident. I have no money, no place to go, and need help ASAP. Please anyone.
Thank you for telling your story
by: Kelly

I have the same problem with my husband. I live with a man who has been abusive to me for 13 years!! The problem is I'm very scared to leave him and I know I have to do that since he has no respect to me. He abuses me verbally and emotionally. I'm so depressed and I don't feel like to doing anything. I really admire your courage and I hope I will have the same strength and courage one day. The good thing is my family encourages me to leave him because they can see I'm not happy at all. You know that I have a strange feeling towards him… I hate him and I want to leave him , but I cry so hard when I think that he will be with someone else. I love him but I can't stand the way he treats me :(
Sounds just like me
by: Samantha

This whole comment could be my life but it took me 10 years. On his last drama show of being a child, he yelled and screamed at me that he hated me, he hated my fn guts, then continued to pack his things and left… Next day he begged me to take him back.

I refused and have been struggling, but moving forward in all this mess. I feel bad for my children that this happened but I cannot live with him anymore. I am on the road to recovery, in a support group and so are my girls. I thank God for giving me the courage to do what I have had to do.
Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde ...
by: K.S.

I was seduced by his good looks, intelligence and charm 3.5 years ago. I saw the red flags very early on but was just going through a divorce myself at the time and the attention I got from someone who shared the same social circle, taste in restaurants and wine, golf, running and skiing - I got sucked in.

I should have run the first few weeks I met him, as he was a game player right out of the gate. I met him on-line and he asked me after our first date to take my profile down but he proceeded to stay on meeting other women and I later learned - sleeping with them all the while he kept his ex-girlfriend on the go as well - whose pattern with her was to break up every two weeks to meet and sleep with new women. It was during one of those two week periods I met him.

His moods would change at the drop of a hat. He was hot and cold. One minute I was beautiful and the love of his life, the next I was an ugly mutt who deserved nothing, not even his love. He was keeping in touch with his ex-girlfriend whom he said wouldn't leave him alone as she wanted him back and this drove me mental. I would stick up for myself and call him out on his awful behavior and when I would he would call me crazy, bi-polar and the one with issues. I was the one with the "messed up reality" is the terms he used to use all the time. You start to believe this about yourself after a while - although the old you was beautiful, confident, smart and strong.

He was extremely well versed and could express himself extremely eloquently and would try and talk circles around me making me feel that maybe it was me!!

He would break up and throw me away like I was trash every few months so that he could use the excuse to go date another woman. I would always take him back as he would once again become Prince Charming however each time the length that it lasted was shorter and shorter. I started going to therapy as I was lost. I was an insecure, crazed, jealous shell of myself and I was feeling helpless.

This lasted for 3.5 years until I was on holidays in Puerto Rico with my son and just said ENOUGH. I was starting to no longer be attracted to this person, his rages would last days at a time and the final straw for me was when he threw one last women at me and threatened my life!

I got the police involved, told everyone that knew me and him that I was done and why. Everyone that knows me asked me why it took so long? He didn't deserve someone like me and I could do better as he was a 46 year old, retail clerk who would soon be out of a job as his family business was closing down.

I feel at peace now with my decision and know in my heart that this is finally the end for me as I feel nothing! Someone else can have this hot mess that even my counselor who met him said he is a Bi-polar Narcissist who will need at least 5 years of intensive therapy to help him in any way.

I know how hard it is to leave. I was once a strong, intelligent, confident woman who allowed herself to be beaten down so emotionally, mentally and verbally that you feel lost.

I have regained ME - I would never go back and even as I write this I still get emails and calls and if he isn't getting the response he wants - he lashes out and threatens me.

I am done and happily moving on from CRAZY!!
Absolutely correct!
by: NEVER GOING BACK

I am just now leaving a 6 year horrific relationship. The abuse started through control, insults, blackmail, public and online humiliation, spitting on me, and more. Physical violence started with holes in the wall, but soon escalated to dents in my car from his fist, kicking, pushing my face against the wall with his fists, threats with a knife, hands around my neck, throwing punches into the pillow by my head as I was sleeping, and kicking me hard enough to leave bruises. He backhanded me into a wall and left bruises on my face. The last time he physically assaulted me, he left bruises on my arms and legs so deep, I still had them two weeks later. Every time he was angry and I even remotely stood up for myself, I could see his hands ball up in fists. Never once was he truly sorry. In every case, he blamed his abuse on me. I made him do what he did.

I am leaving him for good. I am tired of the control in everything, where I went, how I dressed, even forbidding me from wearing any make up. I am tired of being afraid. I am tired of his threats of violence against me and my family. Six years of my life is enough.

My abuser didn't get better. He got worse. The abuse got more violent. The hatred toward me continued to grow. All he wanted was control. Well, in the end, he has lost because I am gone and I will never, ever go back.

Thank you again for sharing your story. It helps to read things like this, knowing that what we have endured is classic abuse and the only way to stop it, is to leave.
Please don't go back
by: Stuck

I got back with my partner after being separated for two years. The first time around he beat me for 5 years: Bloody lips, black eyes, and punching me in my stomach in the middle of the night. He even raped me while I was sleeping one night. Well after two years of being an independent woman living on my own we both had a death in the family and after two years I believed he changed. Now it's verbal abuse. Calling me names and breaking stuff (rarely), but the verbal mental abuse is torture. I am on disability. I am 27. He has tried to kill me before (he has stated he wishes he did after the fact). I think he is going to kill me one day, I pray not. I can't get out of bed and I am severely depressed. I am underweight. I have family members who are sick and dying, so I am going through a bad time. Today he called me a loser because I am disabled. I was driving. I lost control of the wheel. He almost broke all my fingers. PLEASE DON’T GO BACK.
My wife is the abusive one
by: Daniel

My wife and I have just filed for divorce! On March 5th she told me she was in love with someone else! Ten days later she says that I abused her emotionally and verbally! My wife and I never had a fight except when she was mad at my boys (her step kids)! My wife threw a butter knife at me while holding our 6 month baby girl! She threw a plate on the ground making a shard hit my daughter in the face! One minute my wife says lets go to therapy, the next divorce she finally filed! She has kept my daughter away from me for ten days straight! The therapists I see says my wife is sick; she has borderline personify disorder and is bi polar and she does take meds! The therapist I says she is the abusive one! The therapist she sees says it’s me! A month ago when she saw my therapist she said our marriage was great she adores me! Five days before she told me she was in love with someone else we wanted to have another child with me! I'm so confused. If my wife is berating my 8 and ten year old and I stick up for them, does that make me a monster because my wife claims I am!
I am trying to leave
by: Afraid in WA

I have only known him for 1 year. We have been married for 6 months. I see alarming behavior and habits. I see his pattern, it has become predictable. He blames me, his daughter and everyone else for his abusive behavior, lack of organization and problems. I have only seen what I can possibly see in a year. After he threatened to shoot himself I finally called the police and left with our 8 week old daughter. He finally forced me out and then he changed the locks. Now he has me going to therapy. I'm afraid of this whole situation. He's manipulative and I'm afraid to go back but he makes me feel guilty like it's my fault. In my heart we are through, I'm so scared about him having any parental rights over our daughter. He's explosive and abusive and allowed his other daughter to be molested!
Feeling lost and alone
by: D in NY

I too am a victim of emotional, mental, verbal and sometimes physical abuse. I have been in this relationship for 30yrs, with two grown children and one still at home. The cycle has got to be broken. Feeling a sense of relief for moving out…but also once he knew my plans, the honeymoon stage started. I’m too old and have been there and done that… no more!!! I’m so done!!!!
Healing After Leaving
by: JF

I had the courage to leave a relationship after a few years of verbal and emotional abuse. It's been so confusing....how can someone be so great and loving (gifts, good deeds/actions) then take it all away with angry outbursts? I think that's why I stayed and sometimes still doubt my decision. Some things that were said can't be forgotten. I'm hoping to feel some relief soon, waiting for my heart to catch up with my head.
Any advice?
Don't feel like me anymore....
by: Lost

Even though it's been a couple of years since being around my abuser, it still feels like it was yesterday... It's funny how when you meet your abuser for the first time you never see the real them till they know your guard is down and they have you where they want you. I'm 35 now and happily married to the exact opposite of my EX. He is everything I've ever wanted, but I find myself at times withdrawn and just totally checked out. I used to be so optimistic and happy and loved being around people and could find happiness in a bad situation. Now, not so much; after 6 years of verbal and emotional abuse I feel like the ME that once was is floating and looking down at me. I feel like my EX took that part of me and I'll never get it back!! I feel as though I'm being total unfair to my current husband who loves me deeply and is good inside and out. Sometimes I feel like a failure because I can't at times perform my duties as a wife, nor do I need or want to get intimate as he waits and never pushes me to do anything and is there to hold my hand... Someone please tell me I’m not alone and that there are others like me!? All I want is the old me back again...
Don't want to be married anymore
by: DT

I am in your shoes because I've been married for 30 years to a verbally and emotionally abusive man. We have 5 grown up kids and one 7 year old daughter. I've been cursed, cheated on, and accused of all sorts of things in front of my kids and it's affected them so bad. He was a serial cheater going out every night with prostitutes, spending money on them and yet he won't give me a dime or even sleep with me. My boys are so disrespectful towards me and females in general, always calling the B word because of how their dad treated me in front of them, which hurts me, so bad. I feel so guilty because I blame myself for staying. Now am 53 and want to leave so bad but am not financially capable of leaving because he wouldn’t let me work and now am stuck. I am so unhappy and lonely that I’m thinking of having an affair just to be happy. My husband is a fisherman and doesn't give me money or anything and I usually steal his money to take care of myself. I feel bad for stealing from him but I have no one to help me. I am confused and need some advice from you my sisters because all I want is to be happy for the rest of my days. I am Muslim and it's very hard to get a divorce in our religion but I don't care anymore, am so tired of everything. Please help me. 😩😩😭
Physically, Mentally drained
by: Selena

I have so much in me ...to get out. I don't know where to begin. God, you are my strength and my refuge. Well, I'm going through a divorce, not something I'm proud of. As a little girl talking with my best friend, I remember us saying how we would marry and have kids, a house with a nice yard and a dog...etc. Getting physically and verbally abused was definitely not something we discussed or I daydreamed about when I was a little girl. So, here I am over 25 years later and I am drained, unhappy, scared, my health is deteriorating and I have two young kids to think about in all this chaos. It started with, "You’re a sorry a** excuse for a wife". Then the whole "You love our kids more than you love me," "You give them all the attention. I'm just a sperm donor".

He burned some of my belongings in front of my kids and cussed me out, threw things at me in front of them. Shoved me and knocked me down. Ripped pictures of my family members to pieces!! As a result, I see how it's affecting my kids. My youngest is being disrespectful towards me and his grandparents. They are mimicking what they see. I had seen the warning signs before I married him. I just wanted my kids to have a whole family, their mom and dad under the same roof. I really thought things would change and besides...I loved him.

Please, please don't do something because you think it's the right thing to do. Rely on your gut instinct. If you have to keep questioning your decision or come up with excuses on why you should go through with something… Nine times out of ten... you’re forcing something that probably isn't meant to be. And God gave me all the signs. His drinking, his cheating, always having excuses for not helping with the rent or utilities and just plan ole' lying. And he was really good at playing the victim, turning it all around on me (that reverse psychology). He would make me feel sorry for him, talk about his past or whatever to play on my feelings and I would really begin to think it was my fault our marriage was falling apart. And since we just started this process... the battle has just begun.
Emotional Abuse IS abuse
by: DC

Wow- just reading all of these passages and I am in awe of the strength of you women… And then I realized that I am one of you. We've been married for 12 years. On July 11, I got the strength to tell my husband that I am finally done... This came after several days of enduring verbal abuse, accusations, rage and any other flippant emotion that he felt like spewing my way. Oh, and this is after 2 marriage counselors, my own therapist and a prescription for anti-anxiety meds (for me). I feel scared but oddly exhilarated. The verse that I am clinging to is: "My grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in your weakness. Therefore I shall boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that his power may rest in me". II Corinthians

I see similar threads in me as the rest of you: ostracized from friends and family, no control over finances, the house, or our schedule. He controlled me and to keep the peace, I let him. My family was concerned and said that they missed the "real" me. I was guarded and had no emotion in my voice when he was around- like a mouse in the background. The only thing I had control over was a flower pot in the backyard. I took a picture of it and am going to frame it, hand it as soon as he leaves (30 days).

Thank you all for sharing your stories... I don't feel so alone and, yes, emotional abuse is the same as physical... there will never be the perfect time to make a change. Find some strength, trust The Lord and end it.
Feeling Trapped
by: Anica

I have been married for 10 years. I have never been a priority in our marriage. His 2 children from his previous marriage got all the attention even while I was pregnant with our first child. After our daughter’s birth, the kids still always came first. I have always felt like a live-in Nanny instead of a wife and mother. I have always treated his children like my own.

The past 18 months have been the worst. His ex-wife put domestic violence charges on him and he was unable to see those girls for a year. It was supposed to be supervised visits but the system is broke. The DVPO is bogus anyway; he never hurt the children in the ways listed in the PO. The Ex-wife would not agree on who would be able to supervise, so it took 10 months for him to get to see only one of his girls from their marriage. So the DVPO has been over and his ex is still causing him problems. She doesn’t want him to go back to the 50/50 custody because she wants his money. Well Lady, he doesn’t have any money left. It all went to lawyers and filing fees.

We have 2 vehicles; I don’t work, and have a lot of credit bills and a mortgage payment. Now we have lost the house, filed chapter 13, and still have to pay 600 a month for that. Yes he is verbally abusive and I had mentioned about 2 months ago that we should split while we are still friends and he begged me not to so I didn’t go, but he is always throwing it in my face. (literally, just yesterday he told me I should go find my own place - and I have been a stay at home mom pretty much since we were married because his family is not supportive of me going to work and therefore do not help watch or care for the children so I CAN work )

I really want to leave before the hatred builds up too much. He is still the father of my children and he has never physically hurt me or the children. I just need to get out for my personal sanity. His mood swings and words are hurtful even though I have been here standing with him to help him see his girls and get them back. The girls do have issues, one is a pathological liar and the other has ADHD and they both are cutters. I am having such a difficult time because I do not have family here and not many friends and do not know where to go for help. I need an intervention!!!! We go at it, and then things just get quiet and calm… like nothing happened. I don’t like the situation for my kids at all. (We actually have 2 girls ourselves who are more than normal). Somebody help me please…
Lost my job, divorced and now bankrupt and I actually feel better
by: Only Going Forward

I'll just get to it. I got married to someone 14 years ago after having a child with him because I let him pressure me into it. During my marriage I had all the credit in my name and but made no final decisions, including purchasing a house 5 miles from his mother for which I am now facing foreclosure. My entire marriage he used me to pay the bills. He never helped around the house or contributed anything. It was like living with an enemy.

He told friends years back how he would ruin me if I ever left him. I let fear keep me in this nightmare. I lost contact with my friends because he made them uncomfortable. He contacted my former employer, texted my direct reports and embarrassed me by telling them derogatory references about me. This was hard because I am a private person and didn't want people at work knowing my personal life was so bad. The Icing on the cake was when he quit his job while still owing child support to his ex for another year and a half in another state. Then he started a business and used the house I have been living in to run his business, having complete strangers coming on and acting as though I should be lucky to be in their presence. We did have another child during this time.

Now I’ve lost my job, just received my divorce decree and recently filed bankruptcy. These past 11 years have been horrible. The ONLY good thing is my kids. I am scared no one will hire me, but have to keep applying. I kept looking over my back until recently and have accepted I can't change my past but only going forward. I have an education with a graduate degree and feel ashamed how I got to this place.
thank you for your story
by: DT

Your story is exactly my story, except I was married 18 years. The divorce litigation and bitter custody battle has been going on for more than a year now and he has tried everything under the sun to take me down. My daughters are my rock and they look up to me to see how to survive. I have my down days, but my strength comes from never conceding to his sickness and proving to him that I can make it through his emotional and mental games and torture from him. I told him to "never underestimate me" and my daughters and I will come through this better than yesterday.
Thank you for telling your story, it truly helps me to feel that I am not alone.
Be PROUD
by: Linda

Yes, girl, be proud of your SELF! Your story is mine as well. In the wonderful words of The Who, WON'T GET FOOLED AGAIN.
Warning from a widow
by: Warning from a widow

You are so right in your comments. I did not get out in time and ended up physically abused. I was a widow at 32 years old. I remarried a man 10 years younger than me. After 10 years of marriage, I ran from my marriage ... the monster ... the abuser. No alimony, no child support. I take care of myself now and 2 teens financially. My husband back then would smash my face with his elbow at night while I slept. I lost 4 permanent teeth on my lower jaw. Instead of kissing me, he would bite my lips causing them to bleed. After I filed for divorce, he came crying to me wanting to know why I was divorcing him. I asked him, 'why the beatings while I slept'? He said he was assaulted and he would fight his monsters at night. I do believe he was assaulted. I also do believe another man put him in his place. He was a gold digger and had no compassion for another human being. He said to me the day we met at the bank to split what little was left in the accounts, that I should have 'died on the maternity table as the doctors thought I was going to', and then he would have gotten it all. This is a warning to widowed women. You don't want to go through my hell.
Men Who Hate Women
by: 24 Years Later

I went through all the typical stages a woman who is married to a sociopath goes through. At first, he was a charmer. But then after we got married and had our children, things changed... His abuse started as verbal and emotional… accusing me of cheating on him with both men and women, when all I was doing was either working or making friends with other women who were raising children. All this time, he was actually cheating on me.

I had to get two restraining orders to get him out. When I filed the first one he tried to stop me from going to court. Then he promised the family counselors he would change and as soon as I let him back in, he was up to his old tricks. My job was ending and he had me so crazy I could not look for another job. One day he went through the whole house, smashing everything.

So I filed the second restraining order. His mother called and said, "I know you are not getting along and want to separate, but why don't you just live in the same house but in separate rooms. I said "Because he is violent, screaming and cursing at me and the kids and he isn't paying his share so why should I let him live here. He should go live with his girlfriend." She said, "Oh, I didn't know that."

When I filed for divorce he begged me, threatened me, cajoled me to drop the case and I did because he was changing jobs and moving a few hundred miles away. We had occasional contact and I was forgiving and polite to him in the ensuing 24 years. But now he is ready to retire and wants his half of the house. He resorted to his horrible behaviors and when I wouldn't deal with him, he now has a lawyer who believes all his sad tales and who is doing the bullying. Part of his settlement offer for divorce is that I owe him rental value of the house because I have lived in it all these years and he wants his fair share. Never mind that he hasn't paid one penny since he began his affair and I struggled to keep it with help from my Dad who has now passed away.

My younger son said he would stand up for me in court and refuses to talk to his father. All I did was protect them from him. My older son doesn’t want to get involved. Because I didn't follow through 24 years ago, I am back in the same situation because he needed someone to harass and intimidate and I fell into that trap again. A book called "Men Who Hate Women and Women Who Love Them" describes my life. I avoided finalizing the divorce because it was easier to live peacefully without his presence, but he still wants to victimize me.

I finally got resources and got an attorney and am leaving it in her hands and God's hands. My advice is if you get to the stage of filing for divorce, go through with it and relieve yourself of his hateful rage. I also believe that I will win this case because I have truth on my side and all he has is lies. But I wish I had the strength 24 years ago to get rid of him once and for all.
Marriage or Hell
by: Battling in NYC

Is there any help for women like us? I'm going true hell with my husband right now. Going to court every month; if I only had a camera on my head to prove everything he’s done. Someone should do something and change the system in the court to make our escape from abusers easier
Losing Myself
by: RS

I am a 35 year woman and mother of 2 - a 14 and 4 year old. For the past 5 years, I have been trying to cover the sun with one finger and not admit to myself that this relationship was a bad idea. I don't even know who I am anymore, I doubt myself because I truly believe I am crazy and I am scared to do things without his approval. I sometimes don't eat because I am too tired or to depressed to eat so. I cry for no reason, and I find that my job is my outlet. He has come to my work because I have not answered my cell phone. He has accused me of cheating with men and women. He doesn't work so I am head of house hold, but he gets mad if not all the bills are paid. I only make so much, and I still have to come home and take care of my children. And if he does work, then he withholds money from me and only gives me enough tfor gas to get to work.

I know this is wrong. What so sad is that everything is under my name except the water bill and the apartment. I am ready to go. I just don't know if I should pay the rent, or take this paycheck and run and get help. Will the law protect me? Could I lose my job? My oldest son could no longer take the mental abuse, so he left with his father and his grandmother.

What is mental abuse? Why is so hard to prove it? Why does the law view it like you’re just having problems and they are not willing to help you?
Married to my abuser for 25 Years
by: Frustrated and trapped

I have been with my husband for 25 years. I was too young when I married to recognize the signs which would become my future. I've never had a joint bank account, he claimed I wouldn't understand what stockbroking involved, and I got an allowance of $200 per week. Everything from nappies to kitchen sponges and clothes for us had to be supplied out of this and he would get mad if something wasn't there. I wasn't allowed out, and all my friends were not his cup of tea.

So now 25 years later I have no friends and no money. He didn't give me a cent for 1.5 years because apparently we aren't doing too well, how would I know what's happening. When I told him I wanted a divorce, he was shocked and made us go to counseling. The counselor agreed with me and told him that that was abuse not to give me any money at all when he was driving an Austin Martin. That shocked him again. After that he got really bad. I haven’t worked for 14 years and have no current skills or any way of paying for them. All his friends are lawyers and they say I'll get $38 a week. I am stuck. He has just come back from an overseas holiday with the kids, spent a fortune on it, and they are decked out in the best, finally. I wasn't invited unless I paid, so I didn't go. I am stuck in the worst roller coaster ride ever.
Don't leave without a plan.
by: Been There

I have been fighting to be divorced now for three years. If I could do it over again I would have filed for divorce and had my husband removed from the house, even if it meant filing a restraining order. While I was not physically abused the emotional and verbal abuse was horrible. I did not realize how bad till I had been away.

Leaving to get away from a bad situation seems the only option, but as I found out you will pay for it later in the courts. In order to get any financial support you need to make sure you stay in the house and with the children. If you think you can get away and fight for the kids, house and marital assets later you are in for a very long, emotional, and expensive road. You need to get that "Don't f--- with Motherhood" mojo and stand your ground! Stay with the children in the home, you will have a better chance in court. If you fear for your life that's another story.

To all of us women who are people pleasing and abused into not feeling good enough, those of us who hate conflict and un-peaceful situations... Fight for your children, let them see that you respect yourself and them enough to make the changes needed to live a health existence, even if you don't believe it.

Seek good legal counsel before you do anything, hide money, clip coupons and take the money saved if you have too. Have a plan before you file, a little preparation can save you a lot of pain later. Know your finances, and if you can make copies of bills and bank statements before you file, do it. Take pictures of everything, even text messages from him that show verbal abuse. You will start to build confidence the more you gather and you will build a strong case for yourself. You need to know that there is husband/wife privilege; if you go to court anything said between you cannot be used as evidence unless someone else was there to hear it and children do not count unless they are grown.

There are so many of us out there. I had no idea; I thought my story was unique. I found out that anything taken before filing for divorce is fair game in my state. Unfortunately, my hopefully soon to be ex, knew it first. I will be responsible for half of all the debt. He took 75,000 in equity from the house, cleaned out all of the bank accounts, hid all of his tools and equipment, and removed everything from the house he wanted. He turned off my cell phone, and closed all other shared accounts.

People tried to tell me, but I thought by being nice and fair it would come back to me. Life doesn't work like that and guys that are abusive are not nice and worse when they find out they are being divorced. Be Strong YOU HAVE TOO! It will matter and make a difference for your future life. YOU CAN DO IT!
Divorced after 18 years!
by: MT

I thought I had met the man of my dreams and it was like that for the first 8 years but then he got a new job and started hanging out with the "guys" and everything went downhill. He started drinking more and more as the years went on and as the drinking progressed so did his verbal abuse. He didn't care if he called me a "bit..", "wh.re", "sl.t", or "a..h.le" in front of the children. He even went as far as to threaten to kill himself in front of our older daughter. When he figured out that I was just ignoring his verbal abuse, he started physically abusing me. After years of physical abuse I became immune to it so he tried to start abusing the children and tried to kill us all one night and that's when I put a stop to everything and had him served with a restraining order and then a week later divorce papers. A year later I was a free woman but to this day he still makes my life a living hell.
Like Father Like Son
by: Melissa

My 32 year old son treats me just like his dad did while we were married - with disrespect, emotional and verbal abuse. As family members have tried to point out to me that he only is nice and contacts me when he needs something or my help with the grandchildren. Some of the words he texts or says to me are exact duplicates of the words I heard from his dad. He is in denial that he treats me this way, and will not listen or accept the truth that I suffered physical, emotional and verbal abuse from his dad and will not tolerate it from him.

I've now received messages from ex sister-in-law, brother-in-law and the ex's new wife that I am crazy, I need some crazy pills, etc., etc. I am at a lost as how to continue a relationship with my son, as I don't want to give up or jeopardize the loving relationship I have with my grandchildren (ages 2-8).

My ex's parting words from our divorce were "I'm going to make your life miserable and bring you down. You will die a lonely woman with no friends and no family to love you.'' His new wife (by the way - both were married when they had their affairs that caused the divorces of both marriages) has also left me phone messages (until I reported her for harassment & changed my phone #), gloating about having my former husband, a house…etc.

Do I just cut ties with my son, but what about the love and relationship with grandchildren?
32 years of marriage and abused
by: Kitty

I have been depressed over this mess; it feels like I can take something from each story and it feels like it's mine. Drinking on top of drug use, being called stupid all the time, and that you are fat. I work all day and he is retired. As time goes on it has gotten worse, and we have been married 32 years. It has taken this long to believe this is wrong. I would go to work crying cry all day wondering what things would be like when I would get home. He even told me I would have to earn his respect. I didn't know what to say to that. I am in the process of leaving but it is hard.
Divorced my abuser
by: KR

Abusers come in all shapes and sizes - mine did not start out that way but after 15 years he started drinking heavily and that is when the verbal abuse started. I let it go on for another 15 years - I just let it go in one ear and out the other - until my last child turned 18. I went to an online divorce site, filed for divorce and I now could not be happier. Did I waste the last 15 years of my life - I don't know. It was more important to have a stable environment for the kids; however 3 days after my child's 18th birthday I filed. It is the best decision I have ever made.
Still here, but leaving..
by: DM

Oh boy, my husband was a sweet, hardworking man when we married 12 years ago. Now, after a heart attack, 5 mini strokes, a bypass and a ripped shoulder, he is a changed man! He drinks on top of all his medication, is disrespectable to me, sleeps all day and can't sleep at night. He's up all night washing clothes, turning lights on and off; anything to basically annoy me. I have to work every day and am going thru menopause so I usually cannot sleep anyway. I filed for divorce 5 years ago but didn't serve him. Things have gotten worse. Mental abuse, etc. I've had enough I just need to believe in myself to go thru it. Btw, he won't leave so it's all on my shoulders to do something about it. Wish me luck…
Worse than the abuse, be aware.
by: Never Looking Back

I was in my relationship for 13 years, 7 unmarried and the past 6 married.

Two years into the relationship I knew there was a problem with relationship and said I would not marry him. He left but returned later that night, beat me viciously, and put me in the hospital. Stupidly after his crying and begging and promises I let him back.

But the "minor" physical attacks, the slapping, punching on parts that didn't show and verbal abuse, although less, never stopped.

So I went on to marry him. In six years I had two PFA's with home evictions, three emergency PFA's and two harassment convictions on him. The last was this past March.

I let him back in all of those times because of the soft spot in me, not because he ever changed although he promised and promised and promised.

I filed for divorce in March. My lawyer told me there was nothing I could do about the abuse. Even though I had no job and he was evicted from the house, I had to pay for all to remain there. My husband stole over 10,000 dollars when he left and I was told by lawyer I could never get it back since it was prior to him being served. When I couldn't pay the mortgage and my husband was forced to prevent penalty, I was told by his lawyer they would take this before the court, have me evicted and the house sold under a court order. I would also have to pay him back for the mortgage payments HE PAID. Here's the thing, I owned the home for 28 years the last 6 his name was on it. So I was being evicted for being completely deluded and coerced in putting his name on the house when I married.

I have another attorney and I am still in the home, things are working out better.

Be careful of what you are being told about your right. If it doesn't sound right, go somewhere else for counsel. Don't be bullied outside of the abusive relationship, don't take more abuse.

Five months later, I think more clearly and live a good, free life. Look for that and never look back.
Not sure what to do
by: Aubrie

We have been together for 6 years and have been married for 1. Ever since we got married he has treated me differently and he constantly yells at me. It’s like he doesn’t know how to talk anymore. I have asked him to not yell in front of the kids and he tells me he will do what he wants. Here lately he has told me I’m worthless and lazy. I can’t ever do anything, he has to do everything.

Now he is accusing me of cheating. I am a server and was working 2 jobs and 70 hours a week. Now I am down to one job because he said he didn’t get to see me anymore and that was why he was so angry. So now I just work nights. I close many times so I don’t get home till after midnight. Then I do homework till 3 am and am back up with the kids at 6 am. I really don’t sleep and when I do sleep till 8, I get told I’m worthless and there are things to be done around the house. When I clean it is never good enough.

He has told me I am not the kind of wife he wanted and it’s my fault we don’t have money when he doesn’t understand how much things cost and I have tried to explain numerous times. For example, he thinks he uses 25 dollars in gas a week when it takes him an hour to get there. The reality is he uses $120. But it’s my fault for not making more money. The yelling has made me not even want to be around him anymore and I am finding myself less and less attracted to him.

I grew up in an abusive home and this feels like how my childhood started. My mom, who never left her marriage, is telling me to tough it out but I don’t want to be her. I really could use some advice. Are the things he’s saying to me verbal abuse or am I just making it up?
What should I do?
by: Anjelica

Ladies, I am in a quandary... We dated for 9 years then got married. We will be married for 10 years next April. He started the honeymoon crying in my nightgown and blowing his nose on the bed sheets because he wasn't ready to go home yet. He wanted to party more. Then 2 weeks later he tells me he had no intentions of putting me on his insurance. Over the next few years there was physical abuse, several 911 calls and yet here I still am. Now I have a terminal illness and he treats me like I am a second class citizen. I worked all my life and took very good care of him and then us and now I am on disability and he resents me for it because he still has to work. He made me sell my car because he didn't want to make the payments and keep me 'needing' him for all my Doctor visits. I am so done with this marriage and am only staying till my 10 year anniversary so I can get as much as I can...wish me luck huh?!
It does get easier
by: Georgia Peach

This is for Jan. I too went for counseling 3 times and it was great for a while but it never took and we were back to our old ways. You have to look out for yourself and ask "is this what I want for the rest of my life?"

I know it is not easy but you can do it. God gave me the power to say I am not living like this. I am 64 years old and I want to live without the stress of trying to live with someone I do not respect.

In the 7 months since I left I have grown into a different person, one who can do anything I set my mind to do.

Good luck with anything you do, God loves you and with you all the way.
Miss 45 years, where are you?
by: Jan

I would love to talk to the lady who stayed married for 45 years, then up and left. I thought I was the only one who stayed, thinking things were going to change. I have been married for 26 years. We are seeing couples counseling right now and things are calm, but I can't help but think we will slide back to our former selves before too long. The fact is, I don't love him, I don't want to be physically close to him. Fear of "poverty" has kept me here this long, but I think it's time I grow some courage and do the right thing for myself. Leave.
Thanks to all the other ladies with all your stories! They are so encouraging!
Ended marriage after 30 years
by: HT

It took me 2 years to find his secret cell-phone, after I caught him on the computer, and NOW I know all about his AFFAIR. I am devastated but I know that it was not my fault. He is a compulsive liar and held no regard for my feelings. I too, did everything. I am a nurse, mother of 2 fantastic young men, and was stupid enough to give him the money to pay the bills.

Naturally, he tried to deny everything but ALL the evidence is on his phone! He even threated to kill himself if I didn't give him his phone back. Well I still have his phone and he is living in his truck! My feelings are still so raw and emotional but I found the strength to put an end to having him in my life!
20 years later . . .
by: Nina

Once our child graduated high school, I decided to ask my H for a divorce that was 2 months ago. It completely blindsided him because in his words, "he's happy."

There's no physical abuse & looking back, the mental was subtle. I was basically ignored & looked at with a smirk constantly-he made me feel small & insignificant with just a look. I hate that I gave him that power over me. If I stumbled when walking, his face would light up, yes, petty stuff like that.

Slowly I lost control of the finances & before I knew it I handed control over to him - My thought was, it would be one less thing for me to do & worry about. I wrote him a check every month for bills. I worked 40/50 hours a week, sometimes more. I cooked, cleaned & maintained an organized house. He did not have to worry about doing anything around the house. I would ask him to do things with me on the weekends & he never wanted to, I wouldn't either because I didn't want to go by myself. He ate & slept while I sat on the couch watching hours & hours of TV.

The day I showed him the divorce papers, he arrogantly signed the waiver on the spot & gave me cash for the filing fee. I held off filing, waiting for him to say something to me but he never did. 3 weeks later, I told him I was filing & his comment to me was, "You still haven't calmed down about this?" I knew then, I was a joke to him, I needed to file & not look back because he has no respect for me as his wife or as the mother of his child.

We sat down to go over our finances & when he gave me the list of bills it turned out that I was covering all the bills & the mortgage . . . um, so where was his money going? I never got a response but I later found out that he had incurred quite a bit of debt on his own because he is the type to go out & try to save everyone else but forgot about me.

I filed the paperwork & his main concern has been that I do not touch his pensions. He has informed me that he has "placed" me in God's hands - I don't have a problem with that but what I need is a reaction from him, at this point, I'll take anger but I have received nothing & I have taken that to mean he does not care.

When I told him I had filed, he said to me, "So you don't want to try no more? So you have given up just like that? Be sure to tell my family that you asked for the divorce." He refuses to take responsibility, at least half, for the failure of our marriage, I've accepted mine.

He has withdrawn from his family & I believe it's because the perfect image he created of himself to them has been shattered.

I know in my heart that I am doing the right thing but I have days that I feel guilty for screwing up his [not mine] perfect life. Other days, I have to drag myself out of bed to go to work. I've never been a crier but now I can cry at the drop of a hat because I feel so alone & can't believe I haven't received a reaction from him. I've been told that I will feel better as time passes. I hope that happens sooner than later.
Abuse and Divorce
by: MS

Confusion over your values and constantly putting your needs, desires, wishes, rules and morals aside, to keep one's marriage together, indicates verbal and emotional abuse.

I am not one who wishes to be a victim, nor do I tear at my clothes and wail "Woe is me". I signed up for this marriage. The abuse begins slowly and women who marry an abuser are overwhelmingly "pleasers" trying to smooth out conflict in the family. I went to such lengths to keep the peace, working day and night to make my spouse happy, and it was one of the stupidest, moronic things I have ever done.

Here is what I know for sure, post-divorce in Cook County Chicago: Lawyers represent people with money, not poor people. Lawyers lie, hide accounts and create hostility. Most couples' finances are managed by the guy, and I never noticed that my name was not on any of those mutual fund accounts, etc... He was a coward, a liar and a thief. He used those very same traits to rip me to shreds in court, forcing a TRIAL after we spent 300,000 in legal fees. I was too sick about the failure to negotiate, he had his two lawyers working overtime to belittle, humiliate and drag the trial out for four years.

My lawyers sucked and I wish I would have had the guts to fire them. Here is what one of them said; "You eat what you kill". So for the ladies staying home with the kiddies, you need to stop now and go get at least a part time job, for power, for options, for Utilities.
You are not alone
by: Georgia Peach

I too have left a verbally abusive husband, but it took 45 years. Yes, I know what people are saying "what took you so long?" I kept telling myself things will get better, but they never did. When he retired it just got worse. Even his father and sister told me I needed to leave. So 5 months ago I did. I packed 1 suitcase, left the house at 3 a.m. and flew to GA from NY and moved in with my son. One month later he filed for divorce and it was final last week. I have not talked to him since. I guess he wanted me out of his life. So I am living in GA with no job no car and nothing else because he tossed out everything I left behind.

I thank God I had the strength to walk out and start over.
Where to find strength
by: MC

Be strong in the Lord. He got me through the toughest year of my life after I filed for divorce. My advice: Stand firm in your convictions, stay with your kids who need you and the stability you give, refuse to participate in the verbal barbs, and let the Truth set you free. You can get through this by asking God to be by your side.
Leaving was a disaster for me
by: Screwed by the courts

I left once after being married for seven years, but came back when he promised he would change and go to therapy. That lasted a total of two months. My girls were so young that I stayed with him for another seven years and finally one day I just took a deep breath and told him I filed for divorce. I stayed in the house for a couple of months until he kicked me out and kept starting horrible arguments in front of the kids.

I couldn't put my girls through any more pain with all the arguments so I moved out. The girls wanted to stay in the same school and neighborhood so I let them stay with their dad until I could get a better job and find a place to live. I lived in my car for several months until I saved up enough money to rent an apartment near his home so the girls could come live with me. Little did I know that the courts would give him custody because I left the girls in his care during that time!

I wish I never left, I think that I could have stayed and endured the abuse just to have my girls with me. I don't get to see them every morning when they wake up or tuck them in bed at night. My ex-husband discourages a relationship between myself and my girls. I hope that one day I can look back on this and see a positive outcome to leaving.
Not alone
by: PJ

I left twice, the second time for good. I spent nearly twenty years of my life in the very same situation as stated above. I wished I had stayed gone when I left the first time. I fear my two boys will be very much like their father, as they witnessed the behavior for much of their lives. I left two years ago and my now 16 year old stayed with his father. My 13 year old is with me. Fourteen is the legal age of reason, how crazy is that? However crazy daddy is, crazy Daddy Warbucks has the money I cannot even fathom having and never had access to by the way. I left with nothing. Not even my car. He disabled it and took it away from me, while he has seven cars, two trucks and three motorcycles and two jet skis. I rent a townhouse, while he owns two and rents other properties. Our divorce is not yet final, however, HE will get half of my 401K and I MIGHT get half of one house because my name is on it. A house that he has let go, he quit his job two years ago to keep from having any income shown so that I may have to pay him child support and alimony. I don’t care if I am penniless... Every day on the outside is a good day and worth being broke.
Common feeling
by: CW

Wow I felt like I was reading about my situation.

I'm currently in the process of divorcing but as it is, we're still living in the same house. I will not leave my three children and he won't either. It's hard to explain to someone else how emotional abuse hurts on the heart unless they've been through it too. I did as a child and can recognize it better as an adult. My kids don't need to grow up in a house like that and I refuse to accept the abuse or let my children see that it's OK.

So now we're waiting to see who the courts will let stay in the house temporarily along with temporary custody of kids. The stress of living in the same house with him is VERY hard at times. We're constantly watching the other seeing who's going to mess up first. We've been doing this for 4 months now. (Slow courts)

Ugh has become my new favorite word.

Thanks for your post that helped me realize that someone else understands the emotional abuse stuff.
YOU ARE A STRONG WOMAN!
by: AP

You are a very strong woman. I admire you so much. I am sure many women identify with the way you felt. I am glad you are a free woman now. God bless you always.
Mine won't communicate
by: Savannah

We have been together for 13 years. At that time we got together, I was just coming out of a bad marriage to an alcoholic. My mother was very ill and he saw how vulnerable I was & he fed on that. We married the following year and had a baby. By the time my son was a year old, everything started going down-hill. He was always questioning me when I went out, commenting on what I wore and who I was talking to on the phone. My family & friends told me and warned me not to marry him; that I would be unhappy. But I did not listen.

He always put me down, telling me I was getting chubby & not to wear certain clothes. I really see now he was just being controlling & knocking down my self-esteem so I would never leave him. I really was never 100% happy. I was just sticking around for my son. I need to be happy. There is fighting every day & night. I don't want my son to see this or think that this is the way a marriage should be or how a man should treat a woman. There is more, but that just an idea of how miserable, empty, & unhappy I am.

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